Not gonna miss ya, 2020

12/31/2020

It's that time of the year again.
Ending it again with a post reflecting on everything that happened this year.
To be honest, this year literally felt longer that any other year.
Spent most of it at home, working from home, getting drunk alone at home lol
Despite everything I feel like this year made me find myself again.
The quarantine has taken its toll to everyone’s mental health but, hey, I’m just glad we all made it through.

I wanna do the same thing I did last year by posting pics for each month but if I do that, all I’ll be posting is pictures of me at home so where’s the fun in that? lol
Let’s just do this in bullet style and get it over with!

January

Awts, Mau and I at Kelly and Kevin's wedding

Had to hike for 2-3hrs reach Blue Soil Hills

Sagada with work friends

This selfie was taken after 3 consecutive days of solo drinking and sulking then Johnny and I started talking and I felt this good so I had to take selfies lol

• Isabel, Carl and I went out for dinner and drinks at Timog

February

Weekend beach trip with these two <3

Samgyup dinner with Jyl and Daisu & yes, I dyed my hair back to black

March

• Corona decided to be a huge bitch. This month is the start of lockdown.
• Didn't really do anything much, just stayed at home and worked.
• Johnny's birth month. He was so happy with the blanket I got him.

April

• Still on lockdown
• Occasionally went at my grandma's to have lunch with family

May

Birthday 2020. Yes, this was from my film camera. Boodle fight lunch with family.

• Johnny told me he loves me on my birthday
• Still on lockdown

June-July

Sums up my mood for June and July lol

• Was still on lockdown
• Decided to submit my resignation by end of July

August

Finally got to see Johnaley after months

Virtual catch up with Daisu, Jyl and Nianth

Got some stuff from 3M and my work laptop yay

• For some reason, this month I decided to talk to Johnny less.
• Decided to get a new car.

September

Bangs with Tita Maan and Erin

• First month with the new company. It was refreshing. Work life balance is real lol

October

New kitty alert!! Eevee

Also, got new specs from Sunnies. And I feel like my hair grew longer

November

Tito Famz bday celeb

Di kami kumpleto but reunion with friends cause Anthony is back!

• This month I realized I started enjoying fridays and holidays again
• Can't explain further cause I don't wanna jinx it but Tyler and I are doing good <3

December

Wasn't expecting this at all. Given that I've been with 3M for 3 months and getting this. I feel so appreciated. Definitely one of the highlights of this year.

Nanay Josie turned 94

Eevee growing huhu

Decided to get bangs for a change lol

• Decided to fully cut off Andy, Johnny and everyone connected to them. Realized that Johnny wasn't really worth it after all. Still thankful for him but ya know.. it was just not worth it after all.

Overall, still thankful for this year. Thankful that me and my family are safe. This year really made a lot of us appreciate time with our families more. This pandemic needs to be over! I hope as this year ends, it takes Rona with it lol

~ I didn't get to travel this year as planned because obviously travel ban, lockdown and everything. Prolly one of the reasons I went crazy.

~ I didn't expect this year would be the year I leave Acn but still not regretting it. It just felt like it was the right time to leave. My former manager has been asking me to come back but, so far, I’m enjoying my new company. Everyone is just so welcoming and I’m enjoying the new working environment. Can't wait to meet everyone in person.

~ New Year 2020, I told myself I wouldn’t be sad over Andy anymore. I don't wanna be sad on new year because of him anymore cause I've been sad for the past couple new years because of him. As I’m writing this post, it's new year's eve and I can say that I'm not sad over Andy anymore or even Johnny. I’ll take that as a win.

~ So, how am I feeling? I'm feeling good. My heart is happy. Tinotopak ako from time to time but it is such an amazing feeling when you choose happiness and peace of mind over anything. Finding myself, knowing my worth, regaining that self love.... aaaaah it makes all the heartaches, tears and everything in between worth it.

I am hopeful and looking forward to a great 2021.

Claiming everything already. Manifesting it everyday.

Happy new year everyone!

I'm drama-free

It's sad cause I thought we would always be in each other's lives as friends.

We've helped each other get through our dark days this year. He's thankful for me, I’m thankful for him.

It is sadder how that has to change just because some person's insecurity decides to make shit up.

Some people really crave for that drama in their life.

I don’t know why. Maybe it's for the thrill.

Probably it's to conceal reality.

I don't know.

I just know it's wack how she decided to step up her game with him when she knew he was moving on and we were talking. lol

I don't blame him if he sticks with her though.

Even when he knows she’s shady as fuck and lies all the time lol. Everybody knows she's shady.

I know he loves her, he has loved her for all these years. I can't blame him for doing everything to keep her now.

I just hope she stops with her lies. I just hope she gives him what he deserves.

But it's whatever.

I cared for him. I guess I somewhat still do but it's not the same anymore.

I don't even want him in my life at all.

I feel like I still care for him because I know how it feels like to be in his shoes where I would do anything to keep someone even if that person is toxic as fuck.

Those kind of feelings can blind the shit out of you.

I'm glad I’m now out of that situation.

I hate how the idea of that person made me stupid lol

I'm drama-free

I'm just happy as it is

You know when I used to say that someday I would wake up and I won't think about that person no more? Yup, that someday happened.

I've been waking up feeling lighter and better and it's just a wonderful feeling.

He wasn't worth it. He ain't shit lol

I'm thankful that I'm ending 2020 with a clear mind, happy heart and soul.

I am claiming it.

I'm still here

I'm trying to procrastinate with work so here I am making this blog post lol

2020 is about to end and, hopefully, this pandemic goes with it too.

It has been a long year.

Didn’t get to travel but always grateful that my family is safe and healthy.

Didn't get to do most stuff I would’ve wanted to do this year but always grateful for the blessings.

This ain't my 2020 recap post yet but I gotta say that this year tested the new me.

There were down times but it's amazing how I got out of it so quickly and gracefully.

Maybe this is what all those years of heartbreak has taught me. lol

Always aiming for that. That is the end goal.

I've been spoiling myself lately. It's insane.

No regrets or guilt though.

We are all in for self love.

Nothing much to say but just wanna keep this blog active.

I'm not gonna get into the other stuff, let's save that for another post and keep this light~

Old habits

 It took me years to get over the feelings I had for you

At some point, I didn't even think we would remain friends for this long

I already closed my doors to the possibility of us

It is still closed

I don’t even know why I’m making this post but I just wanna get it all out

Cause I don’t wanna think about it anymore

It has been so long

I thought we have already outgrown our habits

We had the "we were young" card back in college

We were young, we made mistakes

We did irresponsible stuff that we don't even feel guilty or talk about like that

We're not in college anymore

I expected more from us

It wasn’t just your fault, I’m at fault too.

It takes two to tango

I feel bad for not feeling bad

I feel bad cause it was normal for us

I feel bad cause we didn’t have the need to talk about it

I feel bad cause I thought we already outgrown it

I feel bad cause we didn't feel any remorse over it

But, I guess, old habits die hard huh?

I guess, I just feel the need to feel this cause situation's different now

As selfish as it sounds, I just need to feel like a decent human being

I just need to feel like this isn't really me

But, as bad as it sounds, I guess I am

I guess we are bad people

I just hope this doesn't end up biting me in the ass

I hope as my bruises heal, this will fade out in my memory as well

To the brighter side

 Every time I try to leave, my heart won't let me

Crazy how it's November already.
We all literally spent the whole year inside of our houses. This pandemic is crap.
I've been okay. Just hanging in there.
I thought I would be making a post about us not communicating for a month but he reached out the other day, just checking up on me.
That’s the thing that makes it difficult. I can’t be mad or whatever at him cause I know he's a good guy.
I know everything that happened wasn't nothing to him. It just sucks how things are.

And I realized that maybe that was the closure I needed. All I felt when we were talking was how it was nice he was checking up on me.
That’s how I know for sure how I’m just stuck on the memories and the idea of him.
I get sad sometimes thinking of what we used to be or how I got used to talking to him literally all day, everyday about everything.
But, as I've said over and over before, nakakasanayan din.

It took me reading my old posts to somehow realize how my emotions can consume me most of the time.
Consume me in a way I would think there's no getting over that current situation anymore, when the truth is, I underestimate myself too much cause I know I am strong enough to get over it.
But I would say it's quite normal. Maybe emotions are powerful like that and that you just have to learn to snap out of it and think bout the positive side.

It's not your fault. Never be too hard on yourself. You deserve better. It ain't worth it anyway.
Those are the things I always tell myself. That and mind over matter. Just focus on the bright side.
It works most of the time but, sometimes, those emotions really got a way of being a bitch but it's okay not to be okay sometimes.

There will always be tomorrow. Doesn't matter how many Day 1s you return to. Even the littlest progress is a progress.

This post is too sane for me, I don't even know why but yay

Lost stars

You make my heart feel like it's summer when the rain is pouring down

I've always prepared myself for this moment.
This moment when I have to let you go.
I would always say, "I'll always be thankful even if it ends tomorrow"
But I never thought being in that moment will still be this hard.

Remembering how we started talking like that still gives my heart joy and puts a smile on my face.
It was surreal.
I wish I could keep you forever.
I wish things weren't the way it is, then maybe I could've kept you longer.

I'm just grateful that our paths crossed in this lifetime.
You're such an amazing guy. I wish you could see how I see you.
The girl for you will be so lucky to have you and your family in her life.

I will always remember how I would look at you and find you already adoringly staring at me with those pretty hazel eyes... and after realizing that you got caught, we would laugh in a way we both understand why.
I will always remember your face when you said that you're scared that you might hurt me. You're not the first person to say that to me but you were the first person who I actually believed to be sincere saying that.
I will always remember how your face lit up when you got the birthday present I got you and how you would show it off to everyone.

I will always hold it in my heart how someone like you loved someone like me.
My heart aches on how you would remember little things about me.
A part of me still wishes for you in the end.
I can only hold on to fate cause maybe... just maybe, if we were really meant to be, we would find each other again.

You deserve the world, Johnny.
You're a wonderful son. You're a loyal brother. You're a sweet uncle.
You're a gem.
You deserve waaaay better than me.
You would always tell me, "You deserve better than me", but jokes on you.
It's you who deserve better.
I can only wish that the girl for you would appreciate you as much as I do cause you deserve to be appreciated that much.
I hope when she finds you, I hope you welcome her with open arms.

I hope you learn how to open up your heart again.

You might've played around when you were younger (not even that much tbh) but, damn, how you've developed into this man who any mother would want for her daughter.
I will always appreciate that I'm 1 of the 2 women (as of today) who you've opened up to and felt those kind of feelings for.
You've brought out a side of me I never thought I had and for that I am more thankful as ever.
I can't stress enough in words how amazing you are but maybe that's a good thing too. So I'll always have parts of you, memories of you all for myself.

It has been exactly 2 weeks since we last talked.

We both know how it is. We both know it's for the best.

I had this post in my drafts for quite a while now, just waiting for the right time when I'm really ready to let you go. So here it is.
I know 5 years from now, I will still be thinking of you. I will still be thankful of you.
But.. maybe..
Maybe someday, maybe in another lifetime, we would find each other again and it would be perfect.

Maybe we're meant to meet in this lifetime but just not meant to be

turning around & pretending i dont love you

Here I go again.
Here I go entering my "heartless, idgaf" phase.
I always get like that whenever I try to let go of someone I still have feelings for.

I pretend I don't like that person.
I pretend I don't care about that person.
I pretend that my feelings don't exist.
I pretend until it becomes real.

How can someone say "you deserve someone better" but their face tells you "wait for me"?
It hurts when you say how you're "never good enough" or you're "not worth it" cause you are.
Someday, you will see how I see you. You'll see how amazing you are.
It doesn't matter if I'm there when that happens, I just want you to see you how I see you.

I always say, "I wish I can have you forever".
I still do.
I still wish that, someday, we can be.
Maybe in this lifetime, maybe in another lifetime.

I hope you smile whenever you remember me.
Cause I do. I smile whenever I think about you.
How can I hate you?
How can I make myself hate you?
How? Just how?

In 5 years, I would still be thankful for you.
In 5 years, this will all be memories but I'll always remember it with a smile, cause in this lifetime you loved me and i loved you.
We almost had it all.

Is that it?

4AM and I'm falling apart.
One of those days where you feel your heart breaking.
I got this habit of making a blog post about someone just when I'm ready to close my chapter with them.
I still got his' on my drafts. The post is done but I just can't publish it yet.
Make it final. Make it real.

We were something, don't you think so?
But this is the end.
My heart aches so bad. So bad.
I thought I couldn't cry anymore but I guess I was in denial.

How can I still feel thankful while my heart is aching this bad?
How can I still think you're an amazing guy while cry my heart out because of you?
It's funny cause I do. I still do.

And if my wishes came true, it would've been you

One more day

It has been a long time since I wrote here.
I hate to sound cliché but this pandemic is just making my mental health worse.
I've become more unmotivated and sadder. I just wanna sleep most of the time.
I didn't even blog during my birthday month... which sucks cause I always do.

Everyday I've been preparing myself for all of this to fade away.
It still feels like a dream whenever you say that you love me.
The feeling is still surreal.
How can someone as amazing as you see something good with someone as damaged as me?

Even if I lose you tomorrow, I know I'll still be thankful knowing someone like you.
I've been saying this since the day you brought joy to my heart and I still mean it today.
I wish I met you first.
Maybe it would've been easier, maybe it would've been waaaay different.
But I didn't. I didn't meet you first.

My heart ached when you said, "I wish I met you sooner".
My heart ached when you said, "I don't want you to leave me".
My heart ached when you said, "My mom wants to meet you so bad cause she wants to know first hand why I'm head over heels over you".
My heart ached when you said, "I just don't want to get cheated or played with".
My heart ached when you said, "I know it's useless to say anything, so I'm just going to show you".
You make my heart ache in a good way.. In the best way on how I never thought someone would feel like that with me. The way I never thought it could feel like.
That overwhelming and warm feeling in my chest.

I can only wish this could last. Forever.
I keep on asking for 'one more day' with the universe and I know, one day, I would ran out of that.
But, for now, I would savor it.
I'd gladly accept all the pain that this might cause me if it means I get more time with you.

Just give me all of you in exchange for me

Unfinished

Just when I was ready to let you go..
Just when I've accepted that we're just gonna be friends..
I thought it was a dream, a beautiful dream, but then I woke up and you were still there.

You were dropping hints that you like me more than a friend.
I wasn't taking it seriously.
But it was when you said, "I'm so happy. It's like falling in love again", that made my heart ache.. in a good way.. and in a bad way.
I don't know if that made my heart skipped a beat but it somewhat felt like that.
How can a heart like yours love a heart like mine?

Everything feels so perfect right now.
Despite me being me, overthinking and all my emotional baggage.
It feels surreal and just.. perfect.

But, I know, I eventually have to let you go.
I wish I didn't have to.
Maybe that's just why it happened this way.
Universe wants me to take this feeling with me, so when I remember you, I'll remember that someone as awesome like you loved someone like me.

I need to pick this up some other time cause I feel... blank.
I've been trynna continue or say more in this but all I can feel is my heart breaking.
Prolly PMS or whatever. so yeah

Dahil una pa lang, alam naman nating mayroong hangganan
At kahit ipilit, hanggang dito na lang.. Hindi tayo pwede

You again

I sometimes wonder if you still think about me like I think about you.
2 days ago, an email from you answered that for me.
I woke up with an email from you.
It caught me off guard cause I didn't think you'll email me again after how we ended our last conversation exactly 4 months ago.
My heart ached on how you started your email with remembering that it's my birthday soon.
It ached more on the part that you didn't say bye at the end of that email but said "forever & always" instead.
Yesterday, you decided to call me and wanted to show me something.
You were wearing the sweater I gave you. Prolly the only green sweater you own.
The moment we said hello, we laughed.

I don't know what to feel.
I've been missing you and it was so nice to know that you've been thinking and missing me too.
But I realized then that it wasn't enough to come back.
I guess, in a way, I grew.
I'm glad he reached out. It was touching to know that it's just not me.
It was nice to know that the person you're missing misses you too.
It was nice talking to him again.

But it's not enough to come back anymore.
It's not enough to fall into old habits.
I guess, in a way, I've moved on.

It took me 2 days to complete this post and turns out I didn't really have a lot to say.

You’re just a dream

Everyday I try to find a reason to not like you.

Sometimes I feel like I’m progressing but most of the time I feel like I’m hopeless.

I’ve been too sad lately.

It's mostly probably cause of this quarantine thing but yeah.

Plus my PMS.
Before my period, I’ve been crying, sulking for 3 days.
I felt like a weak ass bitch.

It warms my heart everytime you talk about me to other people.
Maybe it's the way you say how you like that I’m smart.
Maybe it's the way you say how I have a big heart and how you justify it as if the person you’re telling it is asking you to.
Maybe it's the way you say how much your mom likes me.
Maybe it's the way you have that much confidence in me more than I can ever have in myself.
I wish the one for me talks about me the same way that you do.

And I don’t know.. maybe in the middle of your sentences on how you’re talking bout me, you suddenly realize how you’re talking bout me and wanna just say "we're friends" a million times.
Then suddenly that warmth is replaced by an ache then after a while it just numbs and cold.

And me being me, I would just smile and say, "of course we are friends".
It was me telling you and trynna convince me.
Sometimes I wonder what would change if you knew how I really feel?
Am I just someone who fills the void?
Would you even care if I just disappear?

You’re on the phone right now and I’m trying my best not to cry while typing.
Dude I gotta move on, I gotta get this feeling out of my system.
Why do I stay in situations like this?
Do I crave the pain?
Am I addicted to this feeling?
I know I will eventually move on. I always do.
But damn this is the phase that's just so hard.
But I will. I will.

I wish I could keep you forever

"Bye forever"
I regretted it the moment I said it.
Just cause I saw how your smiling face telling me 'I’ll call you back' turned into that face I never wanna see – hurt.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to say good bye.. how to just vanish from your life..
I guess the downside of knowing someone's pain and all that is that you don't want them to feel that way again cause you know how it feels.

We still talk. Everyday.
I'm trynna convince myself that maybe this friendship thing will work.
But reality never fails to remind me how it won't.
The thing is.. I can't be just friends with you, Johnny.

It's the small things like you telling me how you like my hair in braided pigtails.
Or how you randomly said, "you look good in grey".
Or how you kinda gets jealous when someone messages me or I’m randomly smiling on my phone thinking I’m talking to someone else.
Or how ignored me for an hour thinking that I dreamt about someone else and how you smiled when I told you I dreamt of you.
Or how you keep calling me when I don’t answer, it makes me feel like you really wanna talk to me.
Or how you try so hard to cheer me up when I’m having a bad day.
But it really.. it's everything that you are.
It's everything that you do to know me better and to know my life, my family and my friends.

You’re still on the phone with me, kinda snoring and I’m just looking at your pretty face and it makes my heart ache a little just cause... damn you are so pretty. I wish I could keep you forever.

I don’t know how to finish this post.
And, as always, my previous post wasn't the last post for him anyway.
Damn, this might take a while to get over with.

40 hours without you, 04/04

Today, I woke up with a different perspective.
Same heart, same thoughts but clearer view, clearer mind. If that makes sense.

It has been 40 hours since our last call ended.
Maybe this is what 40 hours without hearing your voice can do.
It got me questioning myself – do I really like you or did I just like the idea of you?
My words are echoing in my mind.
The words I’ve written here and on my tumblr keep on appearing in my mind.
How amazing you are.
How I can't seem to get mad at you even if I have this aching feeling in my chest.
How I want you to be happy even if it's not with me.
How I was more mad at that person for manipulating your feelings like that.
Do I really like you?
Or was I just liking the idea of you?

To be honest, up to this second, I still don’t know how to answer that.
I asked 2 of my friends who I've talked bout this.
One of them said yes and the other said maybe.
Yes – cause she remembers the moment he told me he likes me. How I reacted and how I was so giddy that the person I have a crush on likes me.
Maybe – cause if I didn't like him, I wouldn’t invest that much time on him.

I’m torn.
I feel like I like him but I also like the idea of him.
But more on the I like the idea of him more than I like him.
Wow that’s a shitty thing to say, isn’t it?
Maybe I just like how he helped me escape?
Maybe the ache I was feeling was the pain I was concealing and not at all related to him?
Maybe I just like how he numbed all the pain?
I don’t know. I don’t know.

Maybe this is just my way of coping with this and letting it all fade away.
But, to be honest, we could’ve been amazing but there are just complications.
It wouldn’t work between us. 2 important reasons at the top of my head right now are:
1, that person will always be present in his life, and I will never be okay with that.
And 2, he will always be my ex's friend & I will always be his friend's ex girlfriend.
Thinking of it now, it was shitty of me to even start responding to him or entertaining him at all.
He is my ex's friend... childhood friends... more like brothers.
What was I even thinking? Even if the other important reason wasn’t there, did I really get myself in the middle of that?
I know. I got selfish. We all do stuff do conceal our pain, to make it go away, to not feel it.

We aren’t made for each other.
We aren’t meant to be.
He was just a phase.
Fate just made our paths crossed to restore our faith and to make me feel that joy.
He just came to save me from my misery.

I wanna say that this is my last post about him here but I know it's not.
But I hope it is.
And if it is, I will never forget how much you made me feel.
I will always have that joy and warm feeling in my heart thinking about you, your hazel eyes (that turns kinda green sometimes) and your smile.
I will never forget how I woke up with you staring at me, waiting for me to wake up, smiling and saying "good morning booboo".
I will forever appreciate everything you've done for me and you've made me feel.
I will never forget that someone with a heart like yours liked someone with a heart like mine.
10 years from now, I'll still be thankful for you, booboo.

Sad, beautiful, tragic

I guess a part of me wanted to save him.

I wanted to save him from all the sadness and all the hurt he went through.

I wanted to make him feel that he deserves to be loved, that he deserves to be cared for.

I wanted to show him that love shouldn't be that complicated.

If this was a movie, it would’ve been a perfect match.

Two damaged people who got a lot of love to give and deserve to be loved.

But it is not a movie.

I don't wanna get into deeper details but the important thing is that whatever it is, I can’t be mad at it.

I realized it is really different with him.

After everything, I still want to protect him. I still want to preserve the moments we shared.

I still cherish everything he has shared to me.

I still appreciate how he is. I still can’t seem to get mad.

I wish I was just mad so it's easier to just forget about it.

I wish the ache I am feeling was caused by some other person and not him cause it would make more sense to me.

He keeps on telling me repeatedly how he doesn’t wanna hurt me, how he keeps on telling me I have a good heart. He was always been honest with me.

If that was any other person, I would’ve thought it was all bullshit.

Those words coming from him, I know he meant them.

Damn. What the fuck is happening to me? lol

I wanna be mad so bad.

I wanna be mad and just cry it all out until I can’t anymore.

But I can’t. I cried but it was more on because of the sad reality.

It makes my heart ache looking at his sad eyes and how he feels so bad.

I hate how can someone make him feel like that that easy.

I hate how someone can easily manipulate his emotions and how he's thinking.

I don’t really know how to fully close this chapter.

Dear John

Ending this month, ending this phase.

Wow. I don’t even know where to start though.
I’m just gonna start with how I’m still thankful our paths crossed in this lifetime.
I still am. However this has ended.
I don’t take back everything I said about him cause it's true.
He's a great person with an amazing heart.

It took a day. A day.
A day and then everything has changed.
It's crazy but I understand how it was.
I guess two damaged people can either fix each other or just break each other more beyond repair.
Sad to say it's the latter.
I'm glad I was able to see how happy his eyes can get before it all went down.
I’m flattered to get a glimpse of how it could’ve been with him, with his family and with everyone important to him.

Sheesh I don’t even know how to make my usual 'end phase' blog post for this.
We were always been in that friends... maybe borderline friends and kinda more to it but friends zone.
It was nice having to talk to someone who understands your pain, your struggles, everything you've been through.
It was a plus knowing someone you like liking you back.
It was like a fairytale where you didn't wish to wake up from.
How surreal was it to find a fellow damaged heart and feel that kind of joy around it?

Honestly, I’ve been staring at my laptop for 5 minutes now and I just don’t know what to write.
Last thing he said to me, 30 minutes ago, was he was gonna call me back... but I know he won't.
My heavy heart is weighing me down.
I can't move.
I know this won't be the last post for him... but this is the ending.

We were always meant to say good bye.
Maybe we were just two lost hearts who wanted company.

I’m too damaged

I’ve been listening to sad songs. It's sad.
I know. That is my talent – making myself sad.
I’m too way in my feels right now but I don't even know what to write.

We're taking things slow.
I should be happy and relieved.
My last post was like my anxiety in words lol

A part of me is fine with it. We both have been into situations that damaged our hearts too bad.
We know how it is like to be that hurt. We both have our walls up.. too high.

A part of me thinks this is just the first step til it all disappears.
Me being me knows I’m overthinking it but I can't help it.

I know he's sincere and he won't do me like that.
I know he's just holding himself back cause he's scared of this all too.
I know cause his words, I feel them... I know they came from his heart.
People may think I’m gullible for saying that but my heart just knows his heart.
My heart knows what he has been through.
We've been straightforward and honest with each other that I shouldn't even be overthinking bout anything cause everything is all laid out as it is.
But... I'm me. I can't help it.

I can't even feel mad about it or with him.
I feel devastated bout the situation to be honest.
I've said from the start how he's an amazing person and that I'll always gonna be thankful even when it ends. That’s still true.
I feel so thankful to even have him as a part of my life that I can't feel bitter about it.
It's so rare to come across someone who has a heart like him.
It's like my heart knows his scars too well that I understand. Cause I’ve been there.

Maybe I don’t feel bitter even when I think about losing him cause I know he wouldn’t mean it like that.
For all it's worth, I want him to be happy.
I want him to feel that kind of joy he made me feel cause he deserves it.
I want him to finally find that person who will spend the rest of her life with him.
He deserves a person who will stay with him forever.
I want to be that person but if I’m not meant to be that person for him, it will be fine with me as well.
He just deserves that joy and love in his life.
It's so rare nowadays to find a guy who has those kind of intentions.
A guy who thinks about the future like that.
A guy who thinks about things like that.
I would’ve given everything to be that person for him but we all know it doesn’t work that way.

I can still remember that time we were just talking bout stuff, smiling, looking at each other and I suddenly told him, "my heart is not broken, it's shattered". He looked at me with his pretty hazel eyes and told me, "that's fine. i'll pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and glue them together with your shattered pieces and make it whole again"

Damn, I be this sad when we haven’t even concluded this shit out lol
I have a way of really overthinking stuff, it's crazy. I should stop.
But, one day, when all this ends, I know I'll write another blog post about it and I swear that would be one of the hardest posts to write about~

Dun sa lugar kung saan ka magiging masaya, kahit di ako ang kasama, ihahatid kita

The curse

I don’t know if it's just a mood swing or this headache or mercury retrograde or this is just my curse.
It's not like I woke up today and felt that way.
I just feel different... bout him.

Don’t get me wrong... he hasn’t changed. He's been great.
Everyday he just proves how amazing he is, how his mom likes me, how he wants me in his life.
But, damn, why am I like this?
Why do I feel like the more he holds on to me, the more I try to let go?

I like him.
It brought so much joy in my heart knowing someone like him can like someone like me back.
It was surreal. It still feels like that.
He is dreamy. He got the looks, the personality, the heart... dude, with everything I went through, what more can I ask for?

This is just a fucking curse.
What is wrong with me?
I love myself. Self love has been one of the things I’ve focused on all these years.
I know what I deserve but why do I feel like this?
Is this just trust issues? Is this just defense mechanism?
How can I feel like this with someone who treats me better?

My walls are up. I can't help it.
I know one of these days, I'll push him away and I have no one to blame but myself.
A year from now, I'll prolly be reading this and regretting everything.

I guess it didn't matter if fate was on my side or not.

Dice sent this to me circa 2014 lol

Damn, this better be fucking PMS

Vday 2020

This is gonna be a short post. I just want to remember this feeling.

It was always me who would say, “where have you been all my life” in a joking manner to the wrong men who felt right at the moment.

Never thought it would feel this much when someone says it to you.

We were just having our usual conversation and out of the blue, he smiled, his hazel eyes looking at me, and said, “where have you been all my life, boo boo?”

I can't even explain how it felt. I just know that it's a feeling I’ll never forget.
It's different. It's new. It's overwhelming. It's everything I didn't imagine it would be.
I’m scared but I’m always gonna be thankful.
All in a good way.

How can a heart like yours ever want a heart like mine?

Point taken, fate

It was like a movie scene

I used to say how much fate fucking hated me.
How fate always makes me walk into situations then, later on, fucks it up for me.

And, now, this happens.
Maybe this is a way of fate making me believe in it again.
Maybe this is a way of fate restoring my faith in love.
Maybe this is a way of fate telling me that it hasn't given up on me.
Cause what are the odds that the person you like likes you back right?
Maybe for others, it's not odd. It is for me.
For someone who has been into a lot of situations, this feeling is one in a million.

The joy in my heart remains.
I am thankful and anxious at the same time.
I’ve said from the start that I’ll always be thankful for him.
I've been thankful for everyone who crossed my path, be it a lesson or a phase, but this one hit me hard and out of the blue.
It makes me anxious cause, me being me, I know this will end eventually.
It will end... but I will always be thankful.

One day, I'll be writing that sad, butt hurt post but I know, inside my heart, he has claimed that special place in it.
He is a such an amazing guy. I wish I can keep him forever.
What did my shattered heart do to deserve someone like that?

Happy feeling capsule

I just wanna blog to remember this feeling I’m feeling right now.
Had the longest fucking week but I'm glad how it turned out in the end.
I was sad af, been solo drinking – I know but I’m sure I’m not even borderline alcoholic.
Towards the end of the week, I found some light.

Have you ever had that feeling where you are liking this person and you thought he was so out of your league and that it will never, in a million year, be mutual? Well, yeah, been there a thousand times but like, this time, knowing he likes you too in the same way you like him feels like a dream. I am in that dream but the happy part there is it's not just a dream, but reality.

I mean, okay, ang oa.
I've been in that 'out of my league pero mutual feeling pala' kind of situation.
Like duh. I think Jestin being my first kiss back in 2007 speaks volume.
He was popular and a lot of girls like him during that time. I was – grabe ang panget ko nun. I can't even sugarcoat it. No kidding. I haven’t had my teeth fixed, my hair was all over the place, I have the worst fashion sense, I didn't know how to be confidently beautiful with a heart lol
But, Summer 2007, he saw me. We went out and all that and then he dated my best friend next and everything went batshit crazy.

But, anyway, that’s not the feeling I wanna keep in this blog post.

But this.

I never thought he will like me back like that.
He always treated me like a sister. He even tells me before that I'm like his sister cause I was dating his friend who's like a brother to him. We would always talk shit with each other and just laugh about it.
Then, I don’t know what is it, one day, the stars aligned and he's confessing.
Disclaimer: I'm not dating the friend who's like a brother to him. He has moved on and I’ve closed that door even before all this happened.
He was literally pulling the both of us out of the friend zone.
I used to have that little crush for him before just cause he's kind and cute lol
But knowing that he always felt that way for me and he didn't wanna step out his boundaries before cause I was dating his friend... it all feels surreal.

It's nothing serious. We're just enjoying each other's companies.
I don't wanna overthink this.
I just want to keep this feeling cause it feels good af.
The way he smiles and reacts while typing his replies to my messages, the way he's interested to what I have to say or my interests.
This feels fucking good that it scares me but, fuck that, if it means you have to be sad first to be happy, I'll take it.
Ha, maybe I just unlocked a level in my life of realizations lol

It feels good knowing can still see something good in you or see you as a whole during those time you feel so broken.
It feels good being out of that friend zone, for real lol
It feels good looking at his hazel eyes knowing that it's looking back at me.
It feels good to appreciated.
I'm still in cloud nine.

2019 Recap

I decided to make this last minute blog post to revisit my 2019.
Better late than never. lol after all, it's the end of a decade.

My 2019 goals were:

🗸 I am gonna read & finish at least 1 book per month – that's why you're seeing a GoodReads widget I recently added on the right side of my blog page. – Sadly, I failed this one but I gotta say its a good start since I've read more than the past years.

🗸 I also plan to travel this year. I am aiming for at least 2 countries. Wanna go back to Taiwan!! – I definitely traveled more this year.

🗸 I also previously wanted to take at least 2 pictures per month on my instax, like I even bought 40 films but my Instax Wide 300's battery leaked. I accidentally left the batteries in for a long time. Planning to buy a new one though just to push thru this goal lol – I'll say not 2pics per month but I took a lot of films this year so it's a yay for me!

🗸 And, of course, I always have the goal to save money and work out every year. – I have saved money, I bought stocks... but the working out part.. no comment lol

🗸 Also, I wanna update this blog at least once a month & I'll probably make some front end changes to it. – I just added this one on my little goals for this year lol – I feel like I have that "blog under construction" for a year now. Must get back into that!

All in all, I'm pretty happy how things worked out this year.
And yes, I didn't date at all this year. Mostly because I had this going back and forth with Andy thing but I've learned now, ok? lol geeesh

It was a fulfilling year for my soul.
I've learned to walk out of situations or relationships that aren't doing me right anymore or things I don't deserve.
I've learned that it's not selfish to take care of yourself first.
I've learned not to force friendships anymore. I was too sentimental for shit but I'm over that.

To make things interesting, I'll just put pictures lol so here
I don’t know what happened in January but that month was dark, so no pics lol

February

Beach with some friends on a cold February. This is also the last appearance of my long curly hair ):

Decided to cut my hair this short cause why not

Got into a new project with a new team

March

Met up with Judee and Kat for dinner and a movie. Haven’t seen Judee for so long. It was nice catching up.

Met up with Tanya and Kate for lunch and coffee. Tanya and I also went out that night. It was fun. She's one of my highschool best girl friends. 

Nian's home! Dice took this photo. Sorry Daisu lol It's always fun when we get together. We talk about everything and anything under the sun

April

Nanay going back to California for the summer 

May

Celebrated my birthday with family in HongKong

June

Lunch with 2 of my college best girl friends. Always nice how we don't talk everyday but when we meet, its as if nothing really changed

Went to Puerto Galera with some workmates and surprisingly this is the only photo I can find on my phone lol

July

Went to Vietnam. This was at Mekong Delta River.

Took a sleeper bus to Cambodia. This was at Angkor Wat and it was just historically beautiful.

Took a bus to Thailand. This was at Wat Pho. We got lucky as not much tourists are there so we get to take this picture.

On the way back to Manila, we had a layover at Singapore. 

August

Had the chance to meet and bond with Cebu teammate when they went to Manila. Plus Ann. lol

Finally synced up our schedules. Went to a playdate with Johna and Champ (not in the pic)

September

Went to Cebu for a September beach getaway with my girl teammates

Received a postcard from Alex (:

October

Team lunch!

Yay we're complete! Finally! This is prolly the last time we got together for 2019 lol I love these two

November

It has been a while since I get to participate during Trick or Treat at the office. So happy I get to do it this year!

Taiwan again but this time with my friends from work!

New cute godson alert!!!! Giles <3

December

Digital Interactive Christmas Party 2019

Quick Dinner and Coffee with Dice and Jyl for our Christmas get together. Facetimed Nian too. 

That was a long year.

Very thankful how I was able to travel more than I wanted too and I get to hang out with my friends.

I feel like doing this post helped me appreciate 2019 more.

I was too fixated on the bad stuff that I have taken for granted all the good stuff.

It was indeed a good year.

What a way to end the decade.

x