last goodbye;

It's that time of the year again.
Every end of the year, I always try to reflect on the year I had and make sure to do better the next year.
Sometimes I get to be consistent about it, sometimes I don’t.

If there's one thing I am eager and hopeful for is that to let go Andy completely.
This time I’m gonna be consistent about it.
I pray that this is the last year that I'll feel this pain and shed these tears because of him.
I may sound so dramatic but I swear that I just want him out of my life.

I maybe be crying my heart out today but, one day, I'll be able to say "I’m fine" without lying.
I gotta stop with this weak ass front. I am not this person.
I am strong. I am independent.

I just need to get myself together and I will. I definitely will.
It's time to move forward. No looking back. Not even a glance.

I always get up from every struggle.
This is just one of those struggles.
I know what to do.

He wasn’t worth it.
Red flags are there to warn you. Never ignore them ever again.

I don't even know what to really blog right now but I'm just thinking of stuff to motivate me and maybe motivate other people who will come across this post. I feel like if I write, that’s when I feel more motivated to do it and maintain it.

I will get over this. I will. I just need time.

PMS or whatever

The thing about sadness is that it's inevitable.

It can hit you at any time of the day.

It's stupid how some days I feel like I'm okay, some days I feel like I'm back in Day 1.

Today is one of the days I feel like I'm back in Day 1 that I don't wanna do anything at all.

One of those days I doubt if it really gets better.

I know I'm a walking contradiction.

It's sad how I can be emotional and just plain cold hearted. There is no in-between.

I hate feeling like I'm vulnerable, weak, needy, clingy, dependent.

I hate feeling like my walls have been broken down.

How come I hate feeling like these but I still wanna be with someone who makes me feel like these?

Stupid as fuck.

Yeah, I do.

I wanna be with him. I can't even deny it.

Every time someone will ask me why we broke up, I would say that it wasn’t working for the both of us anymore... and that's true.

Then they would ask why are we still in touch if that's the case and I try not to cry every time I tell them that there is still love there, it's just the situation that’s not working.

It sucks cause I know that staying in touch will just make the wound deeper.

How can you unlove someone?

How can you make the butterflies go away?

Am I just delusional?

How is it even if I try, even if I divert my feelings to someone new, it always come back to the fact that they’re not you?

I hope someday soon I can wake up from this dream and just trust that in another life, it would be different. Different good. Different right.

That in another life, all this pain, all this struggle, it's worth it.

I just have to accept that, in this lifetime, we aren't meant to be. The stars aren't aligned for us.

It scares me to find someone new and make it work with them... only to realize that he's not you.

x

What if I'm tryin', but then I close my eyes and then I'm right back, lost in that last goodbye?

12 months later

That was 12:47 PM on a Friday, August 30th to be exact. I was at the office.
It was 13 minutes before my meeting and I couldn’t stop myself from crying.

".. the way I want it with you"
That part echoed in my mind several times.
If fate was fair, we would’ve been great together.

It has been a year and my heart still aches whenever you cross my mind, your smile, your face, or even hearing your name.
I prayed, I wished, I hoped for everything to work in our favor.
But, Andy, we lucked out. Maybe we weren't really just meant to be.

I've kept you as a part of my life even if we're not together anymore cause we've been through a lot.
But why does feel like the only choice to fully heal is to just let you go completely?
I just have to pick up the pieces on my own. One step at a time, right?

You know what's funny though, I'm not afraid of growing old alone but I'm afraid of the thought that I won't get over you... that time won't do it's job to make this love fade... this love and this pain.

I still think we met at the right time and you are the right person.
You were the right person for that right time.
I met you at the phase of my life when I needed to make myself believe in love again.
I can still remember the person I was before I met you.
I had commitment issues. I dated a lot. Partied and drank every week.
Dating a guy was so simple. I can even detach myself from the situation so easily.
I don't lose sleep over a guy. No feelings, no attachments, just plain old cold hearted, strong, independent me.
Then you came along and pulled me back to earth, melted my iced cold heart.
You made me believe in love again. You made me believe I can still be someone I used to know and better.
I may say I regret meeting you... out of pain or maybe when I’m drunk.
But I don’t. I don't regret the joy you brought to my life.

Maybe someday, I may not still be over you but I'll remember you with a smile instead of this pain in my heart.
Maybe someday, I won't tear up when someone mentions your name.
Maybe someday, I'll remember all our good times instead of the reality that we didn't end up together.

I was never afraid of growing old alone.
but..

Maybe in another life, things will be better for us.
Maybe in another life, it'll be forever and always.

Waves of letting you go

Fate just keeps on being a bitch.

It has been exactly a year since we broke up today.

Somehow, the universe felt the need to test all our stars.

You were suddenly calling me and I hate myself for not even hesitating to answer.

I answered and there you were. The face I missed.

We talked. You asked me what's up and all that.

We laughed. It hurt seeing you seeing me smile and your eyes telling me how you missed seeing me smile and laugh.

I hate how you look at me when I'm smiling or laughing.

I hate feeling like you still feel the same.

I told you, "it's gonna be a year since we broke up tomorrow."

You asked, "are you still waiting for me?"

I swear my heart ached a bit more cause I feel bad for myself for actually realizing that a part of me still is waiting.

I didn't answer but we both know what the answer was.

You told me, "I don't know why I feel tired when I talk to you but not the bad kind. Like a good tired."

I said, "I know. I'm boring"

You said, "No, you’re not boring. It's just that I get so comfortable when I talk to you."

Then we napped on FaceTime like we used to.

It has been a while since I slept that good.

You messaged me in the morning telling me, "That was a good sleep."

But, then, reality crept in.

Fate being a bitch dragged me back to reality.

It has been a year since we gave up trying.

Everyday I keep asking myself what if I never get over you?

What if time doesn't heal this time?

It has been a year and talking to you yesterday felt like my wound I've been working to heal up just opened up again.

I tried to focus on someone else just to get you off my mind but that obviously didn’t do the trick.

It has been a year and damn I wanna let this all go.

I've accepted everything that happened but why does it feel like I'm still trapped?

Why do I feel like spiraling down every time you reach out?

I'm honestly just venting on this post and I have no idea how to end this post.

It's been a year and every day I keep praying, hoping, wishing that I'll get amnesia from all of this.

Everything just keeps on reminding me of you.

It feels like getting amnesia is the only way out of the misery of you.

6 & 7 of 12; Year 2019

Chao Hostel Bangkok

I've been busy so, as usual, late post and it's almost August and I'm still on my 3rd book for this year.
I suck at time management plus work has been hectic.. just cause I was away for a week for my Vietnam-Cambodia-Bangkok-Singapore trip which I will make a separate blog post.

What’s up with me...

• Work is life.
• Still consistent with the strictly no dating 2019 resolution but won't deny I've been talking to some guys. Nothing bad with that, still not breaking the resolution.
• Andy... well, nothing really to write bout this cause it has been over and done with. I've accepted that but there are some days... sad days when we talk... I guess no matter what happens, we can't erase the fact that we've been in each other's lives. They say it is never too late but, for now, it's too late for everything. We didn't just break. We shattered. I wish we didn’t... but we did. Okay. Enough. I still miss him tho.
• I still have travel plans for this year so that's something to look forward to.
• I somewhat finished my 3rd book for this year which is 'The Alchemist'. I love it. It's a book I would read over and over again. I feel like when I read it, it gives me a different message every time.

So far, still good.

We're halfway over this year and, honestly, I'm still not ready to kiss this year goodbye yet.

I've been traveling and just living instead of feeling like I’m just surviving.

It sucks I haven’t blog so often but that just means I’ve been living life the right way right?

I have to catch up on that travel blog post though. It's a must!

Always thankful ♡

26🏰 ✨

Instagram grid @ersse_

Damn. I’m old.
26 freaking years old and I celebrated my birthday at Hong Kong Disneyland. lol
I always wanted to go to Disneyland and I had a great time.

Thanks to my sister for taking candid pics of me althroughout this entire trip lol

Well, twenty fucking six.
Currently, I think I am at peace. I feel like I'm at peace.
I've managed to build myself back again to the state of where I always wanted to be.
Emotionally independent, loving myself better, not giving a fuck at all bout what other people has to say and just keeping it 💯.
I'm glad I was able to stand up again and never in a million years will I ever let anyone let me lose myself again.
Like I said, 2019 will be a strictly no dating year and I think God has been testing me cause I swear, every month, he sends someone new or from the past to disturb my peace. Lol.
But, seriously speaking, yeah, I've talked to a few but you know that feeling when you just rebuilt yourself again so you're so guarded that you don't even give a fuck... yeah, that's me right now.

Angelo, Mama, Erene and Me waiting for our train

Mama, Angelo, Erene and Me @ HK Disneyland

So happy I got to travel out of the country again 6 months after I went to Taiwan.
It was just a quick getaway though. I went to Disneyland to celebrate my birthday weekend with my family and then Ngong Ping Village to visit the Tian Tan Buddha.
Hong Kong was beautiful. Just like Taiwan, I love how efficient their public transportation is.
I'm so glad I survived an out of the country travel with my mom.
I love my mom but she cranky af when it comes to walking and commuting. lol
I swear she would ask me questions as if I live or ever been in Hong Kong. It was my first time in Hong Kong too btw.

Erene and I @ 'It's A Small World' castle

It feels so good to finally stand up again after a storm.
It's the best gift I could ever give to myself.
That feeling where you know your worth. That self love. I can't even describe how glad my heart is.
No bullshit. Not even bragging.
I wish everyone feels the same way I'm feeling right now.
It feels good not even caring what other people will say or think cause you know you're fine.
It is never selfish to love yourself first. It is never selfish to do what's right for you.

Climbed 1000 steps to get to this beauty. @ Tian Tan Buddha, Ngong Pin Village

I am thankful to everything that happened to me this year. My 'quarter life crisis' year lol
I became the person I thought I would never come back to.
I questioned my worth just because a certain person took me for granted.
I felt lost and unmotivated.
I felt like my career is going nowhere.
I loved and cared for everyone else but myself.

I'm so glad that I'm turning the page now and welcoming a new chapter with a happy heart.
Here's to another year!

Drk

I can't believe I'm blogging about you again.
It started with a "Happy birthday!" and for some reason we're talking again.
I mean, it's not like we stopped being friends when we ended. It's not like we parted in a bad way.
I know it doesn't exist but, in this situation, it did. We parted in a good way.

I must've done a bit good in my life to meet someone like you.
You broke my heart but I know you broke yours too and the worst part is we couldn't avoid it that time. It was inevitable.

It has been a long time since we last talked.
You would occasionally like and view my posts and stories but that was it for the past four years.
Every time I see how happy you were on your posts, it made me happy knowing that you’re happy.
It warms my heart how after all this time you still feel bad for what happened to us.
You still feel bad about it that you had to apologize again. It's crazy how amazing you are.
I told you that you didn't have to apologize again because I understood it back then.
You said, "Well that’s how you know it was real :)" and that melted my heart.

Hearing your voice again felt like home.
Hearing your laugh felt so comforting.
You still know me so well.
I can't believe that after all this time you can still make my heart happy.

But, of course, me being me... I'm scared of talking to you like this again.
I keep thinking that what if we mess it up. What if we can't part in a good way this time.
I always felt proud about how we ended it the last time because it was just so calm and good and something we can always go back to.
I'm scared because I don't want to lose you for good.
How we ended before always made me think that you're always gonna be there.
We will always be a part of each others lives.
I don't wanna mess that up that’s why I'm keeping all my guards up.
You will always be in my heart. No matter what.

I love you that much that I'm willing to ignore all the signs cause I want you for keeps. I want you in my life. I want to preserve all our memories. I can't even think of a bad memory when we were together. It was just so perfect.

I'm smiling right now with teary eyes because I want this so bad but I can't.
I would rather be friends with you than try again and be nothing, you know.
Maybe that's how you know you really love someone... when you're willing to let the intimate feelings go because you don't want to mess it up and lose them.

.

So I told her my heart felt the same that it did before. It never changed. My feelings never went away, girl. My heart never closed the door.

3 & 4 of 12; Year 2019

Guess who broke her 'atleast one blog post and book per month' resolution? LOL
I'm getting so bad at writing before the month ends just cause I've been so busy with work and when I'm not busy with work, I'm stuck in bed trynna get back all the sleep I lost because of work.

So I decided to just make this my March and April post.
Of course I’m gonna make a separate post for my birthday month as always.

Books update first.
My previous book, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, wasn't really for me. I had a hard time finishing it because it didn't really interest me anymore or maybe reading it depended on my mood that day. Like some days, I liked it and I’m intrigued by it but, most days, I get bored and I feel like the story is all too deep that I can't relate anymore. The book was well written. I would love to see the movie adaptation for this.

Feb Book

I obviously haven't finish my next book which is 'The Alchemist'.
I looooooove this book even if I haven’t finish it. Would definitely talk about it on my next post when I finish it. I just have to manage my time more. I feel like I don't really accomplish much outside of work now. I feel like I'm just working all the time.

Enough about books.
Other update about me...
I had my ears pierced. One on my left earlobe and one on my right upper cartilage that has already closed because I removed because the earring was making the piercing too big.
I have developed a liking for Maki. lol
I had a chance to catch up with Judee and Kat. Also with Tanya and Kate. I love how bonding with them still feels normal even if we don't talk to each other everyday.
I had a lot of compliments from the team and onshore teammates this sprint. I don't know why I feel so motivated with work.
What else? Life has been steady but busy.
I had a crush on my onshore but, as of this writing, I don’t anymore. lol
I have friends at work now yay

March and April flew by so fast I swear.
I have a lot of books pending, I should definitely find time reading.
Always thankful to the best guy up there for everyday ♡

Dear self circa 2019,

This is a reminder that you made it.
This blog has always helped me during my lowest times.
Whenever I'm in that phase, I would just read through my past posts to remind myself how far I've become, how much I've dealt with and that whatever it is I am currently going through, I can and I will always surpass it.

6 months ago, I was probably lying in bed, feeling so unmotivated & debating with myself if I should push through with my Taiwan trip without a plan or anything.
6 months ago, I was recalling everything that happened for the past couple months and how I was so naive and how much it all drained and traumatized the fuck outta me.
6 months ago, I was feeling so frustrated because I suck at making my own decisions that made me be a version of myself that I swear I wouldn't go back to.
6 months ago, I had endless whys.
6 months ago, I felt so lost.

But today, 6 months felt like forever ago. I no longer recognize that version of me.
I can honestly say that I've made a big progress on loving and trusting myself again.
I don't feel lost anymore. I still have my whys but I don't dwell on them anymore.
I don't feel unmotivated anymore... except on my lazy days. lol
I feel motivated to go to work and it really helped being in a new project and meeting new work friends or just seeing old work friends.
I still have those hormonal-moody-overly sensitive kind of days.
But maybe that's how the universe tells me that I'm still human and that I'm not numb or emotionally unavailable. lol

But, seriously, I love myself now. I've learned how to love myself more again.
I am slowly but surely making myself whole again.
I don't feel lonely even when I'm alone. I feel more motivated to explore and learn new stuff.
I just feel like I'm full of life. I have that adrenaline rush to do everything I want to do.

image from Pinterest

If I'm reading this right now, I'm probably feeling like shit.
I just want myself to know that it's okay to feel like shit today but I better snap out it by tomorrow because I'm not a weak ass bitch.
I've come this far, I've been through a lot and I've always come out stronger. I will always will.
Everything really happens for a reason. We all just have to be patient and trust that God has a plan for us.

Very random

Hi! I just felt like blogging today mainly because I need to vent.

I want to get these emotions off my system because I don't want it anymore.

I don't want these emotions... I feel so weak... defeated... marupok.

Today, I woke up feeling like I didn't wanna go to work so I decided to work from home.

There was a production issue, so I had to fix it. Worked on it all day.

Had the chance to catch up with Matt after a long time – *cue in Happier by Ed Sheeran* lol

Haven't talk to him for so long cause, to be honest, I've been out of it since this year has started.

I wanted to do better and then I got back to morning shift and I had to adjust to a lot of stuff and also the fact that I somehow got jealous with him making Savannah jealous. LOL OKAY I DIDN’T THINK BOUT THAT BEFORE I WROTE IT LOL.

Anyway, so, he's seeing someone now. 

I know, I know. I shouldn't even feel this way anymore cause we're friends and he has always been there for me and it's not like he really liked me and all that but damnnnnn it stings a bit. Okay, a whole bit. A little. I probably sound so stupid right now. It's crazy how it has been on my mind all day. I even went to the gym so I can just make it go away. Endorphins! Endorphins!

You know what's crazier? Randomly finding old photos and conversations we had before. I was so happy and comfortable. But I know... Matt and I will always be just a dream. My favorite what if.

He met me during his younger years and now he has grown. He has grown into a man any woman will be lucky to have. In my opinion, Matt is the kind of guy who will just get the real you, the whats and the whys. He's not the usual type of guy I typically meet. In the couple years I've known him, I was always been the immature one. lol I would always pick fights with him and he never ever ever ever gave up on my stubborn ass. It surprised me how he values our friendship and I'm not just some person who can just disappear and he wouldn’t care.

Anyway, I've been staring at my laptop for 3 minutes now and I don't know what else to say. I needed to talk about this so bad earlier that I messaged Tyler but he said he was with his girlfriend and they're watching movies. Gym didn't really help but it was so nice to run again. I cooked but I think cooking stresses me out cause I feel pressured to make it edible or good to eat. I made egg spread for my breakfast tomorrow. But still... here I am... trying to just get this out of my system.

I keep on repeating to myself that I'll get over this. I'll bury myself with work and I'll be fine in no time.

Just act normal, act okay until you really feel normal and okay.

It has been so long since I wrote a random post like this and I can’t believe it's about Matt.

When Matt first told me about Savannah, I grew to the idea of it and thought that Savannah was a lucky girl and after everything she went through during her past relationship, she deserves the happiness Matt can bring her cause I know how relationships like that can do to you.

And just like that, I don’t know how to end this post anymore.

I know I’ll be able to get it out of my system. Eventually. One of these days. Maybe not tomorrow but eventually.

2 of 12; Year 2019

This post was supposed to go out before Feb ends but I wanted to finish my Feb book before I post it... sadly, life has been busy and I couldn't finish it on time. HUHU
My body clock is now normal. I'm back to morning shift since Feb 6th.
Yes, I now have a normal life. I got pulled into my new project sooner than expected. Can't complain.
It has been almost a month now and it has been good. Mostly getting to know everything bout the application and all that.
I’m actually quite nervous. Expectations are high and I don't wanna fail. I don't ever wanna fail lol

We're 2 months down for this year and I haven't started going to the gym lmao
So much for "starting to workout" but I swear I'm gonna try to go at least three times this week, I'm just adjusting right now with the new work schedule but I'm gonna get around it.

Soooooooo... I was stuck in traffic a couple weeks ago and I impulsively decided to cut my hair short.

Bye curls. Hello short hair.

My stylist at Tony and Jackey asked me a couple more times if I was decided to really cut it lol
No regrets up to this day. After all, it's just hair. It will grow back.
And by that, I got it colored on Valentine's day just cause I was stuck in traffic and I thought my dark brown hair was boring. I was aiming for an Auburn, red-ish brown-ish kind of color and I really wanted to get it colored but the traffic was crap going to Tony and Jackey. So I tried this Vivere Salon in Glorietta and I swear I ain't gonna go back. lol

The color looks good in this pic cause it's not showing my roots but I swear, my roots are still damn black and my sideburns as well. I asked them why when they washed it off and I got a "kasi black po yung roots nyo" answer and I just shut my mouth cause I didn't wanna argue. It was my fault anyway to go to that salon. I didn't look at reviews but I would expect paying that amount of money, they would color every inch of my hair LOL Tony and Jackey would. But again, it's okay. At least now I know not to go back to that salon. So, note to self: If you're going to be hair impulsive, at least go to Tony and Jackey to get it done. Ah well. Imma just hafto go next month to Tony and Jackey to fix it.

Okay. End of hair dilemma.
While I was getting my hair cut, I can't help but think of Andy.
He always loved my long hair. He didn't want me to cut it or even have it trimmed when we were together. lol Ang sad.
I guess this is really the start of getting out of it. I have gotten used to not talking to him every day that when he messages me, it feels foreign and that I don't see myself waiting for his messages or calls anymore.
I won't lie, I still miss him. I think that's normal.

What's not normal is to miss Alexon. It has been years but maybe his recent marriage just made me nostalgic but, hey, I'm okay. Who would want to end up with someone who has cheated on you and lied to you right? I don't. I ain't Khloe Kardashian. Jk lol

Soooo, like I said, I tried so hard to finish my Feb book but life has been busy.
I'm halfway through it though! So I'll be able to finish soon! Then on to the next book!!!

I will hold off concluding my rating for this book because it has a bit of plot twists.

Second month of this year and it has been refreshing.
Thanks to the guy up there ❤

1 of 12; Year 2019

Fujifilm X-A10; 01/18/2019

6 days left for the first month of this year and I'm gonna wrap it up with this post.
Unlike last year, January has been so nice to me this year.
So far, so good.

I've been keeping up with my skin care routine – basically just facial wash, toner, sometimes I do sheet masks, eyelift cream then moisturizer. I also bought a sunscreen and been trying to religiously apply it after shower.

I have finally finished my January book which is 'The Crown's Game'. I can say that it is a good read and I wanna read the next book... I am yet to find where to buy it lol I will give it a rating of 3/5 just because Vika was sooooo... UGHHHH. Like really? A boy can make you lose focus on the game that will determine your fate??? My competitive self is triggered lol

I splurged this month and I swear I'm trying to control it. Besides I can't think of anything else to buy lol. I feel a bit guilty and not guilty at the same time but it's ok to spoil yourself. No one should feel guilty bout that. Okay, I sound like a shopaholic who's just making excuses hahahaha.

I don't normally post stuff that I recently bought or have on social media – only when I'm too happy with it or someone gave it to me – but since this is a blog.. what else is there to say? lol Imma do a January Haul. So whats new...

– Fujifilm Instax 25!!! As I previously mentioned, my Fujifilm Instax Wide 300 died. RIP. It was either I trade it in for a new one or downgrade... obviously, I downgraded. I love it though! Instax 25 is very handy compared to my Wide 300 plus mini films have more cute films than wide films.

Ofcourse. The test shot is my face.

– Fujifilm X-A10. I decided to finally buy a mirrorless camera since I'm planning to travel more this year. I was torn between X-A10 and X-A3 but there aren't really much of a difference between the two. Settled for the X-A10 and I'm still trynna play with it, but so far, it has been nice. It came with a tripod too. So that will definitely help during travels.

Yes, it is pink.

Sample camera shot #1: morning view from my apartment

Sample camera shot #2: One of my impulsive purchases for this month from Miniso. So fluffy!! 

Sample camera shot #3: Phone. lol

Sample camera shot #4: Pizza

– Pandora charm bracelet. I've been eyeing this since forever and I never had the guts to buy it cause I think it's too pricey and I want the charms to be sentimental. Like one country, one charm or one life event, one charm kind of thing. This month, I slept on it and when I woke up, I was still decided to buy it... so I did. I can't wait to fill it up!!

Got a beaded heart charm too.

– Mi Band 3. Yes, it's a fitness tracker. I am planning on going to the gym all throughout this year. My membership starts this Feb 01 and I figured, since I'm gonna be doing this, might as well be fully committed to it. Plus I just love how it tracks my sleep and steps lol even if it's not super accurate but it's something lol. Apple Watch is too expensive for me but we don't know, maybe if I really like this fitness tracking thing, I might switch lol

01/22 steps

– I gotta say the biggest splurge is my trips to Watsons. I swear i bought too many stuff I don't necessarily need. Everytime I go to the mall, I always make sure to drop buy Watsons and I never leave empty handed. If it's not Watsons, it's Miniso, Mumuso, Daiso or whatever tyangge lol

At the end of the day, material things are just material things. Anybody who will say money can't buy you happiness doesn't know where to shop... lol JK My Gossip Girl heart is just quoting the Queen B. But, seriously, material things are just material things. They are nice to have and all that but, at the end of the day, what's more important is your inner peace, your mental health, your loved ones... stuff money can't really buy.

Like I said, this month has been better. Much much better than last year.
Looking back last January 2018, I was trying to get over some stuff, bury the pain in my heart, move on from certain shit to survive another day but, hey, a year later and here I am... a work in progress.

Strictly No Dating 2019

Yes, you've read it right.

This year is purely about regaining the self-love and motivation I lost.

I honestly feel so motivated even before this year has even started. I am fueled up to do everything that pops into my head. I wish I can put all those thoughts to reality this year.

So, strictly no dating. Why?

I don't know either. lol

I just feel like I need to focus on myself to be able to do everything I wanna do.

I am aware of how I am when I get into a relationship or casual dating... I tend to get way toooooo committed, tooooo distracted, tooooo girlfriend-ish.

Well, that's me. I'm one of those people and I know it's not good but it's not necessarily bad either.

I mean, c'mon, being loyal, faithful or basically not interested into other people besides your partner is not something special. It is what is should be.

It's sad how being loving or faithful or even being honest is a standard now.

So, this year, no dating, no "talking", no dating apps (yes, I did dating apps. don't judge lol), no flings.

If it comes, it comes, If it doesn't it doesn't. No rush.

It's funny when I say "I seriously don't think I am ever gonna get married. I don't even want kids. I just wanna travel the world" to people. Their reactions are mostly the same.

They will say, "don't say that. you're too young to make that ultimatum" or

"you're just saying that cause you're hurt/you just broke up/you don't have a boyfriend right now" or

"who's gonna take care of you when you're old??".

It's funny because they don't make sense.

I really think I'm just gonna end up single and traveling the world 'til I can't anymore and just settle down to my own home or prolly in a nursing home AND that is not sad.

I don't say that for people to pity me or feel sad for me. I don't think that way because I don't have someone in my life right now. I definitely don't think kids are like an insurance for you to have someone look after you when you're old.

Did I still have these thoughts when I was in a relationship? Yes.

Like, yeah, we've talked about marriage and kids because that's normal.

Planning a family with someone you love is normal and expected. You don't date just to flirt or have a constant person to have sex with or get free gifts or convenience.

When we date, we obviously want it for the long run, not just for now.

But those thoughts were still at the back of my head. They were forgotten but they're still there.

I'm probably not the optimist I am claiming to be. lol

I don't know why. I can't explain why it never left my mind. Maybe because of the household that I grew up in, my parent's marriage or maybe because of my experiences. I don't know but it is what it is.

When Andy and I broke up, first few days or weeks or even months made me so vulnerable.

I didn't know what to do anymore cause I've altered my plans, my outlook, my expectations in life.

Like my new plans were basically dependent with his plans. Like we both adjusted and compromised our plans to fit in our future... which is normal in a relationship.

That's probably why we still tried to make it work but distance & other circumstances are shit.

The thought of "growing old with me, myself and my dreams" was buried with all the "us". We both wanted the best in life.

Don't get me wrong, we were still our own person. We can still manage to do stuff by ourselves.

We weren't codependent. It's more like the plans, the future, the expectations.

It was the worst feeling. Maybe that's why I felt so lost and unmotivated... I didn't know what to do anymore because my plans were buried by our plans.

I don't ever wanna feel that lost again. It was draining everything left of me.

But, then again, maybe I just haven't find the right one for me.

The one that I don't have to lose myself for.

The one that will make me feel that 'yeah, it's ok to grow old by myself knowing I've done everything I wanna do' is good but growing old with him is better.

The one that will just naturally complement with my plans.

Truth be told, I really haven't lost my faith in love. It's still here.

I trust God. Whatever His plan for my life & heart, I fully trust Him with it.

I can have that faith and also be how I am.

Like I said – If it comes, it comes. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

One thing is for sure though... I will never lose myself again for someone.

No one should ever feel that way.

This year has definitely a lot in store for me.

I got little goals set like:

🗸 I am gonna read & finish at least 1 book per month – that's why you're seeing a GoodReads widget I recently added on the right side of my blog page.

🗸 I also plan to travel this year. I am aiming for at least 2 countries. Wanna go back to Taiwan!!

🗸 I also previously wanted to take at least 2 pictures per month on my instax, like I even bought 40 films but my Instax Wide 300's battery leaked. I accidentally left the batteries in for a long time. Planning to buy a new one though just to push thru this goal lol

🗸 And, of course, I always have the goal to save money and work out every year.

🗸 Also, I wanna update this blog at least once a month & I'll probably make some front end changes to it. – I just added this one on my little goals for this year lol

Hopefully, by the end of 2019, I can tick all of those boxes out.

His will be done. Always.

Happy New Year from my family to yours ♡