You’re just a dream

Everyday I try to find a reason to not like you.

Sometimes I feel like I’m progressing but most of the time I feel like I’m hopeless.

I’ve been too sad lately.

It's mostly probably cause of this quarantine thing but yeah.

Plus my PMS.
Before my period, I’ve been crying, sulking for 3 days.
I felt like a weak ass bitch.

It warms my heart everytime you talk about me to other people.
Maybe it's the way you say how you like that I’m smart.
Maybe it's the way you say how I have a big heart and how you justify it as if the person you’re telling it is asking you to.
Maybe it's the way you say how much your mom likes me.
Maybe it's the way you have that much confidence in me more than I can ever have in myself.
I wish the one for me talks about me the same way that you do.

And I don’t know.. maybe in the middle of your sentences on how you’re talking bout me, you suddenly realize how you’re talking bout me and wanna just say "we're friends" a million times.
Then suddenly that warmth is replaced by an ache then after a while it just numbs and cold.

And me being me, I would just smile and say, "of course we are friends".
It was me telling you and trynna convince me.
Sometimes I wonder what would change if you knew how I really feel?
Am I just someone who fills the void?
Would you even care if I just disappear?

You’re on the phone right now and I’m trying my best not to cry while typing.
Dude I gotta move on, I gotta get this feeling out of my system.
Why do I stay in situations like this?
Do I crave the pain?
Am I addicted to this feeling?
I know I will eventually move on. I always do.
But damn this is the phase that's just so hard.
But I will. I will.

I wish I could keep you forever

"Bye forever"
I regretted it the moment I said it.
Just cause I saw how your smiling face telling me 'I’ll call you back' turned into that face I never wanna see – hurt.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to say good bye.. how to just vanish from your life..
I guess the downside of knowing someone's pain and all that is that you don't want them to feel that way again cause you know how it feels.

We still talk. Everyday.
I'm trynna convince myself that maybe this friendship thing will work.
But reality never fails to remind me how it won't.
The thing is.. I can't be just friends with you, Johnny.

It's the small things like you telling me how you like my hair in braided pigtails.
Or how you randomly said, "you look good in grey".
Or how you kinda gets jealous when someone messages me or I’m randomly smiling on my phone thinking I’m talking to someone else.
Or how ignored me for an hour thinking that I dreamt about someone else and how you smiled when I told you I dreamt of you.
Or how you keep calling me when I don’t answer, it makes me feel like you really wanna talk to me.
Or how you try so hard to cheer me up when I’m having a bad day.
But it really.. it's everything that you are.
It's everything that you do to know me better and to know my life, my family and my friends.

You’re still on the phone with me, kinda snoring and I’m just looking at your pretty face and it makes my heart ache a little just cause... damn you are so pretty. I wish I could keep you forever.

I don’t know how to finish this post.
And, as always, my previous post wasn't the last post for him anyway.
Damn, this might take a while to get over with.

40 hours without you, 04/04

Today, I woke up with a different perspective.
Same heart, same thoughts but clearer view, clearer mind. If that makes sense.

It has been 40 hours since our last call ended.
Maybe this is what 40 hours without hearing your voice can do.
It got me questioning myself – do I really like you or did I just like the idea of you?
My words are echoing in my mind.
The words I’ve written here and on my tumblr keep on appearing in my mind.
How amazing you are.
How I can't seem to get mad at you even if I have this aching feeling in my chest.
How I want you to be happy even if it's not with me.
How I was more mad at that person for manipulating your feelings like that.
Do I really like you?
Or was I just liking the idea of you?

To be honest, up to this second, I still don’t know how to answer that.
I asked 2 of my friends who I've talked bout this.
One of them said yes and the other said maybe.
Yes – cause she remembers the moment he told me he likes me. How I reacted and how I was so giddy that the person I have a crush on likes me.
Maybe – cause if I didn't like him, I wouldn’t invest that much time on him.

I’m torn.
I feel like I like him but I also like the idea of him.
But more on the I like the idea of him more than I like him.
Wow that’s a shitty thing to say, isn’t it?
Maybe I just like how he helped me escape?
Maybe the ache I was feeling was the pain I was concealing and not at all related to him?
Maybe I just like how he numbed all the pain?
I don’t know. I don’t know.

Maybe this is just my way of coping with this and letting it all fade away.
But, to be honest, we could’ve been amazing but there are just complications.
It wouldn’t work between us. 2 important reasons at the top of my head right now are:
1, that person will always be present in his life, and I will never be okay with that.
And 2, he will always be my ex's friend & I will always be his friend's ex girlfriend.
Thinking of it now, it was shitty of me to even start responding to him or entertaining him at all.
He is my ex's friend... childhood friends... more like brothers.
What was I even thinking? Even if the other important reason wasn’t there, did I really get myself in the middle of that?
I know. I got selfish. We all do stuff do conceal our pain, to make it go away, to not feel it.

We aren’t made for each other.
We aren’t meant to be.
He was just a phase.
Fate just made our paths crossed to restore our faith and to make me feel that joy.
He just came to save me from my misery.

I wanna say that this is my last post about him here but I know it's not.
But I hope it is.
And if it is, I will never forget how much you made me feel.
I will always have that joy and warm feeling in my heart thinking about you, your hazel eyes (that turns kinda green sometimes) and your smile.
I will never forget how I woke up with you staring at me, waiting for me to wake up, smiling and saying "good morning booboo".
I will forever appreciate everything you've done for me and you've made me feel.
I will never forget that someone with a heart like yours liked someone with a heart like mine.
10 years from now, I'll still be thankful for you, booboo.