Sad, beautiful, tragic

I guess a part of me wanted to save him.

I wanted to save him from all the sadness and all the hurt he went through.

I wanted to make him feel that he deserves to be loved, that he deserves to be cared for.

I wanted to show him that love shouldn't be that complicated.

If this was a movie, it would’ve been a perfect match.

Two damaged people who got a lot of love to give and deserve to be loved.

But it is not a movie.

I don't wanna get into deeper details but the important thing is that whatever it is, I can’t be mad at it.

I realized it is really different with him.

After everything, I still want to protect him. I still want to preserve the moments we shared.

I still cherish everything he has shared to me.

I still appreciate how he is. I still can’t seem to get mad.

I wish I was just mad so it's easier to just forget about it.

I wish the ache I am feeling was caused by some other person and not him cause it would make more sense to me.

He keeps on telling me repeatedly how he doesn’t wanna hurt me, how he keeps on telling me I have a good heart. He was always been honest with me.

If that was any other person, I would’ve thought it was all bullshit.

Those words coming from him, I know he meant them.

Damn. What the fuck is happening to me? lol

I wanna be mad so bad.

I wanna be mad and just cry it all out until I can’t anymore.

But I can’t. I cried but it was more on because of the sad reality.

It makes my heart ache looking at his sad eyes and how he feels so bad.

I hate how can someone make him feel like that that easy.

I hate how someone can easily manipulate his emotions and how he's thinking.

I don’t really know how to fully close this chapter.

Dear John

Ending this month, ending this phase.

Wow. I don’t even know where to start though.
I’m just gonna start with how I’m still thankful our paths crossed in this lifetime.
I still am. However this has ended.
I don’t take back everything I said about him cause it's true.
He's a great person with an amazing heart.

It took a day. A day.
A day and then everything has changed.
It's crazy but I understand how it was.
I guess two damaged people can either fix each other or just break each other more beyond repair.
Sad to say it's the latter.
I'm glad I was able to see how happy his eyes can get before it all went down.
I’m flattered to get a glimpse of how it could’ve been with him, with his family and with everyone important to him.

Sheesh I don’t even know how to make my usual 'end phase' blog post for this.
We were always been in that friends... maybe borderline friends and kinda more to it but friends zone.
It was nice having to talk to someone who understands your pain, your struggles, everything you've been through.
It was a plus knowing someone you like liking you back.
It was like a fairytale where you didn't wish to wake up from.
How surreal was it to find a fellow damaged heart and feel that kind of joy around it?

Honestly, I’ve been staring at my laptop for 5 minutes now and I just don’t know what to write.
Last thing he said to me, 30 minutes ago, was he was gonna call me back... but I know he won't.
My heavy heart is weighing me down.
I can't move.
I know this won't be the last post for him... but this is the ending.

We were always meant to say good bye.
Maybe we were just two lost hearts who wanted company.

I’m too damaged

I’ve been listening to sad songs. It's sad.
I know. That is my talent – making myself sad.
I’m too way in my feels right now but I don't even know what to write.

We're taking things slow.
I should be happy and relieved.
My last post was like my anxiety in words lol

A part of me is fine with it. We both have been into situations that damaged our hearts too bad.
We know how it is like to be that hurt. We both have our walls up.. too high.

A part of me thinks this is just the first step til it all disappears.
Me being me knows I’m overthinking it but I can't help it.

I know he's sincere and he won't do me like that.
I know he's just holding himself back cause he's scared of this all too.
I know cause his words, I feel them... I know they came from his heart.
People may think I’m gullible for saying that but my heart just knows his heart.
My heart knows what he has been through.
We've been straightforward and honest with each other that I shouldn't even be overthinking bout anything cause everything is all laid out as it is.
But... I'm me. I can't help it.

I can't even feel mad about it or with him.
I feel devastated bout the situation to be honest.
I've said from the start how he's an amazing person and that I'll always gonna be thankful even when it ends. That’s still true.
I feel so thankful to even have him as a part of my life that I can't feel bitter about it.
It's so rare to come across someone who has a heart like him.
It's like my heart knows his scars too well that I understand. Cause I’ve been there.

Maybe I don’t feel bitter even when I think about losing him cause I know he wouldn’t mean it like that.
For all it's worth, I want him to be happy.
I want him to feel that kind of joy he made me feel cause he deserves it.
I want him to finally find that person who will spend the rest of her life with him.
He deserves a person who will stay with him forever.
I want to be that person but if I’m not meant to be that person for him, it will be fine with me as well.
He just deserves that joy and love in his life.
It's so rare nowadays to find a guy who has those kind of intentions.
A guy who thinks about the future like that.
A guy who thinks about things like that.
I would’ve given everything to be that person for him but we all know it doesn’t work that way.

I can still remember that time we were just talking bout stuff, smiling, looking at each other and I suddenly told him, "my heart is not broken, it's shattered". He looked at me with his pretty hazel eyes and told me, "that's fine. i'll pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and glue them together with your shattered pieces and make it whole again"

Damn, I be this sad when we haven’t even concluded this shit out lol
I have a way of really overthinking stuff, it's crazy. I should stop.
But, one day, when all this ends, I know I'll write another blog post about it and I swear that would be one of the hardest posts to write about~

Dun sa lugar kung saan ka magiging masaya, kahit di ako ang kasama, ihahatid kita