Just because I need to vent (Edited)

I know I'm fat.
I know I'm heavier than how I weigh when I was in high school or college.
Believe it or not, I am trying so hard to lose weight.
I don't even eat that much anymore.
I don't even eat rice every day. One cup of rice per week, no soda kind of diet.
I go to the gym more than three times a week even though I'm so tired with work and commuting.
I try my best to be fit, to look fit or even to lose weight.

It just pisses me off when someone says "You look fat" or "You should lose weight".
BECAUSE I AM FUCKING TRYING.
I hate feeling like I can't eat anything I want.
I hate thinking about how much calories will some food give me before I eat it first.
I hate it.
It's like people expect you to become thin so quickly.
Times like this makes me wanna think that maybe this is why there are bulimic or anorexic people... because there are fat shaming people who can't keep their shit to themselves.
Like they don't even think about how will that affect someone.

To be honest? It affects me too much.
Because I am trying so hard.
I thought I was doing fine. Like I can see that my body is improving. I wear some clothes I used to wear before...
It's just unfair how they will still notice how faulty you are rather than noticing how much you've improved. It makes all my confidence sink and I try so hard to gain that confidence.
It's just shitty how some people can be.

EDIT(3/2/2016): SO, I KNEW IT. I KNOW I'M NOT A WEAK ASS BITCH. LOL TURNED OUT THIS WAS A BIT OF MY PMSING. LOL

Short but not too sweet

It makes me wonder how high in love I sound like almost a week ago and now I'm soooo... not.
I don't know if I fucking jinxed it.
I mean, he is still there. I was so happy when he said he'll extend his visa for another month or two to hopefully get a working visa (to stay longer) because it meant that we're gonna see each other more... but the problem is.... me.
I don't even know how and why I am feeling this way.
It feels like I don't want this anymore. Whatever this is.
It feels like having withdrawals.
I meant it when he asked me to promise that he won't lose me. I promised him that I won't go anywhere.
I hate myself for feeling like this.
It's like the moment I felt that I was getting too attached, It made me take steps back.

He is great.
I love how he can make me smile and laugh without trying so much.
I love how he puts his arms around me and kiss me on top of my head or my forehead even if there are people around.

Okay. I should stop saying all these things.
Funny how I can think and I know how great he is but I don't even feel anything.
Lol what the fuck is wrong with me?

Natural high

I imagined this day so different a couple months.
I imagined it buying a cake and waiting for 12 midnight, your time, to greet you happy birthday.
I imagined seeing that face and that smile that reaches to your eyes.
But instead, I'm here writing this blog with that familiar ache in my heart.

I know it has been months now and for something like this, I should be over it.
I should be but I'm not. I have moved on but I'm not over it.
I don't think about you as much as I used to.
You know what's hurts more than thinking about you every day? It's getting thoughts of you when it doesn't even relate to anything about you. Believe me, it sucks. Big time.

I'm glad that you are happy.
You look happy. With your son. With her.
I hope this is the last post I'll ever have to write about you.
I don't want thoughts of you anymore.
I can't even look at the bracelet you gave me without having teary eyes.
I can't even wear it all day without staring how pretty it is and thinking about what you were thinking when you bought it for me.
It sucks how fate works but I'm glad it's working good for you.
Happy birthday, Derek. I miss you.

But how

A year and eight months of being single... I must say it feels good and refreshing.
I got to do whatever I want without asking for anyone's consent.
Lol as if I ever asked my ex for permission. (I don't)
I don't have someone to worry about. I depend on no one but myself. I am on my own.
Which is good.
Sometimes I think being too independent scares guys away.

But lately, I have been dating.
Dating like going out and/or talking to other guys
It has been fun. Getting to know new people or even having a conversation with people you know for years but never talked to.
But when would you know if he is the one?
I know, overrated question. Some would say, "You'll just know it. There are no signs"
And yeah, I know that... I don't know how to explain it but how?

Is it when he wakes you up in the middle of the night to talk for fifteen minutes just because it's his break and he misses you?
Is it when he tells you "More for me to love" when you tell him that you're feeling fat?
Is it when you both stay on the phone until one of you falls asleep cause you don't wanna say bye?
Is it when he just knows when you're not in the mood and calls you without warning because you're being a bitch?
Is it when he stares at you with admiration when you laugh?
Is it when he sits in front of you, in between your legs while watching a football match?
Is it when he kissed you on the top of your head while his arm is around you?
Is it when he holds your hand when you're about to cross the street?
Is it when he casually hugs you from behind and say "Your hair smells good"?

Okay. Enough.
I know I'm just reminiscing now. Lol sorry
But I still wonder how, how will you know if he is the one?

Maybe I'll tell y'all when I found him :)

Short but sweet

Yes, it is one of those days that I feel happy and I can't blog right.
I just know I'm happy even though fate is still fucking things up.
I guess, if it's all meant to be, it will be in the end.
Living in the moment and trying to make the moment last.
I don't wanna jinx anything.. everything.

It is such a crazy feeling knowing someone is so afraid to lose you.
How that someone feels crazy about having you.
It's all like a bizarre.
I don't even know what to say now. See... I suck at blogging when I'm too high happy.

Baby, let me love you goodbye

There are no more words to say.
I think this is way long overdue.
It has been almost a month and a half but my heart can't still get used to the idea that you're not coming back anymore.
What's weird is that I don't even feel mad at all.
Maybe it's true what they say, It's love when you can't even be mad at them for breaking your heart.
And like you said, I don't have a reason to be mad either because you didn't do it on purpose.
And I know that. Maybe that's why it just hurts more.

A part of me wants to stay and wait even if it's for nothing but a part of me just wants to leave and just move on.
I decided to take the latter part.
There is no more point in staying.
I'm glad that you are making an effort to ask how I am every once in a while.
I'm glad that you didn't just ditch me with unanswered questions.
I'm glad that we're friends and maybe that's just how it's supposed to be.

Stupid fuckboy

As much as I wanna delete my previous posts about this fuck boy, it is probably useless... So, I'm just gonna leave it.

I can't believe that I even liked this guy.
It makes me cringe how I posted four blog posts for him.
Well, he is getting married... to someone who he knows is just using him to get to the United States.
I hate those kinds of people. Using Americans, mostly military guys, to go to the United States.
I mean, Never did that thought entered my mind. EVER.
It just pisses me off how that kind of situation really happens or is possible and people tend to conclude that every girl from the Philippines is like that.
I'm not like that. I wanna get the chance to work abroad with the skills I have.. not by using other people, whether they are aware of it or not.

I feel stupid for liking somebody who is that stupid.
I feel stupid for letting him be a distraction for me to forget Derek.
Meh. For what it's worth, I just feel sorry for him.

UPDATE: I did delete the past posts cause... stupid hahaha

Random shit @ 2:59 PM

I feel so pissed for no reason at all.
I feel like crying and I don't even know why.
Lol THIS MUST BE PMSing cause I'm definitely not a weak ass bitch.

What's up with me?
I'm good. Been too tired with everyday routine, House-Work-Gym-House.
Derek sent me a couple of messages this week. He wanted to read my blog and the things I wrote about him in my planner. I thought it was sweet but I'm a bit hesitant. Not that I don't want him to know what's on my mind but I think it's all pretty useless now. Nothing will change and I don't want him to worry about me.
Matt, I think, is seeing someone. So.... yeah. I know, I know, I've been repeating "We're just friends" like a mantra in my head.
I'm not really into entertaining new people in my life right now. My mind is too complicated right now.

But! Work is not gonna be slow starting next week! So that's a good thing, atleast.
Drowning myself with work. Again.
Fun.

The one who kept me sane

“She wanted to tell him she missed him but she knew it wouldn’t change anything so she kept pretending she didn’t.”

But I do.
I do miss Derek. So much that it hurts.
But I know, it's all hopeless.
We still talk every once in a while. We still keep each other updated with life. He still checks up on me.
We've talked maybe twice or thrice on the phone ever since.
I know that he is still there when I need someone to talk to or whenever I'm sad.

I've been making my mind busy, drowning myself with work, and diverting my attention to other stuff/guys just to forget the harsh truth that he is no longer my 'baby'.
It was funny how it made my heart skipped a beat when he accidentally called me 'baby' the last time we talked on the phone. Lol it's all a lot of getting used to, I guess.

I've been listening to 'Still' and 'Lips of an angel' nonstop lately. It makes me think of him more.
How no one can replace Derek in my life. How fate sucked big time. How shitty things can be.
How unfair destiny is. How Derek will always be one of the nicest guys I have ever known.

I back read through my Twitter. You know it's real when I tweet about you. Lol.

I can still hear your laugh and how you thought I was so randomly funny singing "We just got a letter" while on the phone with you

I looked and sounded so happy. I was genuinely happy the whole Derek time.

I would give anything just to have those 15-minute phone calls in the middle of the night again

It wasn't toxic. He was like everything I could ever ask for.

I still do.

He understands me so well. He is very patient with me.

I will forever long for this moment to repeat again

He clings to me as much as I cling to him. He reassures me whenever I feel like I wasn't enough.

I love you.

I can never get mad at him after everything.
Because I know he never intended for this to happen.

I just can't help myself but feel his pain. Maybe it will go away somehow or maybe not. I hope it does.

Matt

I can't be more than friends with you

I remember how much I wanted to blog about him back then.

I remember writing a post but halfway through it, deleting it.

Not that I don't want him here. I just don't want to jinx it but it ended still.

If you've read this blog from the very beginning, you'll notice that most of the things I write about is either when I'm sad, angry, depressed or the like. I rarely blog whenever I'm happy. I don't know why. It just feels like my words are not enough to give justice to how happy I am/was. So, I find it easier to blog when it's all over.

It has been over between Matt and I... whatever it was.
I didn't mention anything about him on this blog before because I don't wanna jinx it.. but it ended anyway.
For reasonable reasons though.
He was awesome. He still is.
He was as clingy as me. He always finds a way to reassure me. He makes me feel good about myself.
We can talk all day with no dull moments or awkward silence.
It was all pretty awesome actually. It was like a fairy tale. I can't even remember if we ever fought.
It was all easy and non-toxic.

But, you know what they say, if it's too good to be true.. it probably isn't true.
It was the best while it lasted.
But sooner than later, reality came biting us in the ass.
From almost saying I love yous to I can't be more than friends with you.
I was mad and hurt because I was willing to risk it.
I was willing to make it work. Applying for an onshore opportunity at work to be able to move in the United States. To be closer.
I always thought that love knows no distance but thinking about everything that has happened now... maybe long distance relationships don't really work.

As I've said, I was mad but I, eventually, got over it and understood his point.
We haven't even met in person yet.
But how can you feel something so real for someone you haven't even seen in person?
The distance is big. It will never work out.
But why does my heart feel like I was prepared to take the risk? 
So, maybe, it was all for the best that it ended sooner.

That doesn't mean he just disappeared. He is still there for me. As a friend.
He never gets tired of listening to my drama, to my rants, and my random shit.
He's always there to cheer me up whenever I'm sad.
He cures my boredom. All the time. Lol
He's like my one snap away friend.
Thinking about it all, I am glad we didn't go pass through being friends.. because if we did, I don't know if we will still be talking until now.
And, I guess, everything really happens for a reason.
For the better.

4:59 AM

Cause you're moving on and I'm not that strong to hold on any longer

It scares me how I don't miss you that much anymore.

I'm scared because I don't know if I don't or I just can't feel anything anymore.

But whatever it is, I'm glad.

I'm glad that I don't think about you like I used to. Maybe I'm starting to move on ha?

The more I "snoop" around, the more I realized that I don't wanna be a part of that fiasco. It's all too complicated, too toxic.

I don't miss you that much but it doesn't mean that I don't miss you at all. I still do.