That is not love, A.

"What drew them together was the excitement of getting caught. That's not love"

That quote was from the last book I read, The break-up artist.
It was a good book. An eye opener, indeed.

This reminded me of what we had.

It's pretty stupid to post this next to my heartfelt post dedicated to you.

Before reading this book, the idea of us reminded me of how fate fucked us up.

But after reading this, it made me realize that we were never meant for each other.
That fate was doing us a favor.

You and I were just lonely, needy and selfish.

She wasn't there for you, Mine was so far away.

And instead of fixing what I have, you were there to convince me that you can fulfill the things he lacks.

The quote from this book perfectly describes what we had.

We were just excited of getting caught. And when we got caught, the fire died.

I am pretty proud of myself. Wanna know why?

Because if it wasn't for you, I won't experience being alone.

Alone because I broke it off with mine and you left with her.

Being without someone to take care of me.

Being independent, emotionally and physically.

All of these taught me a lesson and I, indeed, learned a lot from it.

I can now watch a movie alone without feeling lonely.

I can now go to places alone unlike before that I need someone to go with me because the idea of being alone in a mall or wherever makes me feel like a lost child.

I am happier now because I don't need someone to make me happy.

I wish you learned all of these too.. but I know you didn't. Because she gave you another chance just like that. Without giving you a chance to evaluate yourself. And that is sad.

Another used to be

I don't know when, where and how it all started...
I just know it was something real, unexpected and deep.

We used to be friends.
He used to be there whenever I needed someone.
Someone to talk about random shit in life.
Someone to guide me wherever I wanna go.
Someone to listen.
Someone to give me pieces of advice without sugar coating it.

He used to be my wonderwall.. used to be.

I have never been the kind of person who takes risks.
I'm not fond of stepping out of my comfort zone.
I want something safe, something sure, something that won't leave me broken, regretful or with nothing.

Play safe? I guess you can call it that but I did take the risk. The risk is him.

I took the risk of letting him pull me to cross the friendship line and try to see what is beyond that. And yes, I regret it.

I regret letting him and I regret giving in.
I regret believing him that everything will be better in the end.

We came to the point where we can't let a day pass without talking to each other.

At that point, I thought we were just friends who long for a friend's company because we just graduated and got our first job. Adjustments and all that.

Everything seemed so innocent.
Just friends. No attachments. No other shit that can mess everything up.

And then, we started seeing each other more often.
From fetching me from work and going out for dinner to sleepovers.
We even often ask our friends out on weekends so we can also go out.
Nonstop texts, calls and even video calls to update each other or to just talk.

It didn't surprise me when our friends started to noticed that we were getting pretty close again because this has happened back in college.

On my side of the story, I did fall for him again but, this time, I fell harder.
So hard that you can feel you're being desperate but you still remain subtle cause you didn't want him to notice and think you're stupid.

This wasn't like what we had when we were in college, junior year to be exact.
Back then, seeing each other was so easy because we have classes together. We have all classes together.
Now, the effort of seeing each other was undeniable.
With our work, it was even harder because we have different work shifts.

But then again, this was only on my side of the story but it feels so good to have that gut feeling that he felt the same.. because how can you fall for someone if it isn't mutual right? Or if that someone is not making you feel special right?

Because he did. He made me feel special with the simple little things.

Like fetching me from work. He will travel all the way from Eastwood to Mckinley so that I won't go home alone because it was late.

Or like asking me if I ate already and getting mad if I haven't.

Or reminding me to take my meds when I was sick.

Or asking me simple things like if he can put his food for dinner in the refrigerator.

Or that "office na ko" message every time he arrives at the office.

Or the consistent good morning and good night text messages.

Or checking if I got home safe, especially when I rode a cab by myself.

Or calling whenever I don't respond to his text messages right away.

Or secretly holding my hand when we're out with friends.

Or the random hugs whenever he gets the chance.

Or the stolen kisses.

Or that one time, he was holding my hand then he saw the "E <3 G" written in my hand by my office mate who I had a crush on, he suddenly let go of my hand and slightly moved away from me because he was pissed or jealous.

Or cuddling before we sleep.

I can go all day recalling everything he did, we did. It was all like a movie.

It all felt so perfect as if we were living in a perfect world and in that perfect world, we were meant to be.

But, of course, this is not a perfect world.. and we weren't meant for each other. (Well, at least, for now, I can say that.)

And in this world, when you cross the friendship line, you can never go back.. or maybe you can, but it will take a lot of time.. especially when there are other people involved.

He was in a relationship. I was in a relationship.
But not to each other.

The difference was I decided to call it quits with mine and broke it off.

He didn't. He didn't want to end his' but he didn't want me to entertain other guys either.
He gets mad whenever I tell him someone is being extra close with me.

I didn't say anything. I followed his rules. I tolerated everything.

That was my mistake.

I might say I regret everything but half of me disagrees.

Because half of me is telling me it all made me happy.

He fulfilled my boyfriend's short comings. Panget pakinggan pero totoo.

That's why I found it easy that time to take the risk in calling it quits with who I am with for him.

I know, I somehow made him happy because he was vocal about it.
He said things I never knew he could feel for me.
Things that made me feel so special.
Remembering it all still makes me smile and giggle.
It was a one happy and sweet love affair.

I may regret making those impulsive decisions. and I may regret being selfish and needy.

But I guess if it wasn't for those mistakes I will still be that needy and selfish girl I was back then.

As of today, I can say that I somehow grew from that phase in my life.
I admit that I turned into a crazy bitch when he left. Waaaaaay crazy.

I was hurt by everything.
The anger & pain clouded my mind & my heart. I didn't care at all. I felt so betrayed.

What hurts the most was he acted as if it was all my fault.

Now, I can say that I'm not that selfish, needy little girl who needs a guy to make her happy and feel complete anymore.

I accepted my mistakes and apologized for it but we all know that time heals all wounds.
We can't turn everything back to how it was.

We may not be like before but I am still hoping that one day we can all put this behind us.
Remembering everything we went through from being friends since freshman year in college.
It may not be easy right now but we'll get there.
Everything will be okay.
I still have faith in this friendship.