swiftie heart crying

Always been a swiftie since i don't even know when.

First physical album I bought when I started working was 1989 lol pre-ordered it with my friend's sister

TSwift songs were always my go-to playlist during my younger years. I know. My past blog posts weren't that subtle lol

Red would be my all-time fave album. It just hits all the right spots all the time.

This week, Taylor released her version of RED cause fuck Scooter Braun lol

Everyone has been all over All Too Well (10 minute version) but I Almost Do will always be my number 1. Okay, All Too Well is 2nd lol.

I held off listening to the album and watching the ATW(10 minute version) music video for a day cause I wasn't emotionally ready for it.

Currently listening to the album and my emotions are all over the place lol

I honestly was holding back my tears while watching the music video.

Cliché but i do remember it all too well

I remember the nights I slept crying, with my heart aching af

I remember the days waiting by the phone, wishing he'll call or send a text just to check up on me

I remember questioning my worth just because a boy picked someone else over me

I remember settling for things I don't deserve just because I was scared of being alone

I remember making excuses for him to myself

I remember telling myself that it was the last time and it will never happen again.. but it did happen again.. over and over again

I remember being a mess when he left

I remember being so vulnerable, breaking down in front of him

I remember keeping all my thoughts and feelings to myself because I didn't want him to be mad at me

I remember blaming myself when he cheated on me

I remember waking up just to sleep again so I can shut off my emotions

There is still so much to say but I remember it all too well

Looking back at how I was still makes me emotional.

Emotional because I can't believe how I got all through that in one piece.

Emotional because I can't believe I let myself do that to myself.

Quite relieved cause I'm no longer that person.

I guess we really need to go through a phase to learn from it.

And I did learn a lot from every guy I had emotional attachment with.

To that popular guy that I was crushing on during sophomore year in HS aka my firsts, we all know our first love will always hold a special place in hell.. lol jk.. in our hearts. 

I'm pretty sure he was everyone's guy at some point cause that's how he was. lol I don't regret it. Summer 2007 will always be all about him.

To that long term relationship I had, I know we were both too young, co-dependent and scared to realize how unhealthy we were for each other. I could only wish it didn't cost us almost 6 years of our lives to realize that. It was emotionally draining tbh. I know we both got out of it with a handful of lessons we won't repeat on our next relationships. The bravest thing we ever did was when we decided to end us.

To that guy who loved playing mind games with me, I always knew we were wrong for each other. I knew he loved playing with me the moment he had the chance to pick me but never did. He just liked the thrill of it. He was just an old habit I had a hard time breaking. And boy, I was glad when I finally did got out of it. I knew we were never going to be and we will never work even if we try. I'm glad we stayed friends. I gained so much self worth the moment I got out of this cycle.

To that guy who I thought was the one that got away, I prolly shouldn't say anything more since he's legally married now. But I know we both know we were good for each other. We were always there for each other. We made each other so happy. It was surreal how we went from friends to as something much more. It used to hurt so much whenever I think of him cause I, not only lost someone special to me, but I lost a good friend too. I still smile whenever I remember how he would smile for me but I'm truly happy for him and the life he has made for himself.

To that guy who made me believe in relationships again, I can still remember how one of my friends would tease me cause I would always run away whenever it gets serious with someone I was talking to or going out with. I wasn't ready for any relationship back then but, somehow, when this guy asked me, I said yes. It didn't last long. The time I spent moving on from him was even longer than the time we were in a relationship. Looking back at the relationship we had, I guess I loved how he loved the idea of me. I loved how he boosted my confidence in everything I do. I loved how he loved me.

To that guy who I'm always going to be thankful for, I still don't regret everything that happened last year. We were both trying to fix each other's heart. I'd like to think we succeeded even if it ended with not being in each other's life. I knew it was impossible for me to be in his life when she started showing interest in him just because she heard him say he loves me. I won't deny it. I got mad. I was hurt but I understand. I understand because I know he deserves to be happy. He deserves to be loved. With everything he went through, he deserves that happily ever after. I am happy for him. I appreciate everything he has done to make me feel whole again. I will forever hold every advice he has given me.

These are the 6 guys that I can consider that made a difference in my life.

I think they were all a phase I needed to go through to learn what I have learned.

I will always remember it all too well

I guess I'll go through all of it again just to get to where I am right now.

I'll gladly go through all those lessons just to get to Tyler.

I guess I appreciate the peace of mind, the calmness, the security of this relationship with him more cause I've went through all those negative feelings that my past attachments gave me.

The calmness doesn't make me anxious anymore

Okay, again, I blame Red (Taylor's version) for this post.

I'll end this post here cause this got longer than expected lol

Random Sunday post

It's Sunday and I decided to go out to regain my sanity.

I’ve been longing to do what I enjoy doing before the pandemic.. just to have that feeling that I have my life back.

I really enjoy going out and doing stuff by myself. 

Pre-pandemic I would just go to the mall and watch a movie,

Or go walk around BGC,

Or go to a coffee shop and read a book.

So, today, I'm currently at Starbucks writing this blog post.

I was doing my worksheet earlier and almost screamed because they were playing 'ON' by BTS.

To be honest, I don't have anything to talk about.

Well... I started going to therapy.

Yesterday was my first session with my psychologist.

I haven’t told anyone about it.

It was okay. I've already booked my next session so we'll see.

I just figured it was time to talk to someone about how I'm feeling.

I used to – I still do – think it's just PMS but when most mornings feel so heavy... I think that’s when it's no longer normal.

It's all still confusing to me but, hopefully, it gets better soon and I get that sense of clarity.

Anyway, this year's almost ending again. I can't believe we're still wearing masks and face shields.

00:00

 

I was scrolling through my past tweets and I came across this tweet.

It has been exactly a year today when I tweeted this.

I can still remember those days. It felt like nothing was making sense.

My mental health was probably the worst last year.

It felt like I was fighting a different demon everyday.

When I tweeted this, I can still picture myself. In bed, dark circles around my eyes, waiting for someone to save me, didn't wanna do anything at all, probably skipped work since that was a Tuesday.

It felt like I was stuck and it wasn't gonna get better at all.

But it did.

Today, a year later from that tweet, I can say that I've been feeling better.

I still get "those" kind of days from time to time. I still get sad sometimes. I'm still human lol

Mostly when I'm about to get my period– it is the WORST when I'm about to get my period but it's okay. Woman probs lol

That self love ain't a joke, y’all. I realized that once you've lost it or forgot about it, you lose yourself with it.

You lose yourself in a sense where nothing interests you, you don’t look forward to anything, you settle for things that are less than you deserve, every little thing affects you, you worry about everything, you overthink about everything – there's just no peace of mind.

If you've read a couple of my posts over the years, I am big on self love.

Loving myself has saved me from unhealthy and/or unnecessary emotional investments.

Cliché but love really starts with yourself.

It helps having healthy relationships around you but you can't really control how others, so starting with yourself is just the best way to go. No one else can help you better than yourself.

That peace of mind is the key. Everything is useless without that peace of mind.

Don’t tolerate people who makes you second guess yourself.

Don’t settle for situations that compromise what you deserve.

Never feel guilty about putting yourself first. It is never selfish.

People will say whatever they want to say whether you do it or not, so might as well do what you want.

People will always have something to say. Period.

Disclaimer: What I'm bout to say is not me being a fangirl but just facts. lol

Getting into BTS really helped me love myself better.

I'm not saying that this is sole reason but they are a part of me loving myself better.

Learning from their experience, listening to their music and watching their shows helped me wanna do better for myself.

Some would say, "but their songs are in korean, you can't even understand korean" – ever heard of google translate or Papago? LOL

Watching their shows gives serotonin boost. Their experience is just inspiring. I can talk about this all day but I'm just gonna list 3 songs from my playlist that comforts me during the days I don't feel like loving myself.

"두 손 모아 기도하네

내일은 좀 더 웃기를 for me

좀 낫기를 for me

이 노래가 끝이 나면

새 노래가 시작되리

좀 더 행복하기를, yeah"

Eng trans: Put my hands together to pray. Hoping that tomorrow I'll laugh more, for me It'll be better, for me. When this song ends, may a new song begin. Hoping that I'll be a little happier, yeah

– Zero o'clock ~ basically, this song tells you that no matter what you're going through today, tomorrow is a fresh start and you'll be happy again.

"I'm the one I should love in this world
빛나는 나를 소중한 내 영혼을
이제야 깨달아, oh, so I love me
좀 부족해도 너무 아름다운 걸
I'm the one I should love"

Eng trans: I'm the one I should love in this world Shining me, precious soul of mine I finally realized so I love me Not so perfect but so beautiful I'm the one I should love

– Epiphany ~ this song tells how you should love yourself more than anyone in this world. Love yourself and your flaws. Loving yourself unconditionally.

"내가 나인 게 싫은 날
영영 사라지고 싶은 날
문을 하나 만들자 너의 맘 속에다
그 문을 열고 들어가면
이 곳이 기다릴 거야
믿어도 괜찮아 널 위로해줄
Magic Shop"

Eng trans: On days I hate being myself, days I want to disappear forever. Let's make a door in your heart. Open the door and this place will await. It's okay to believe, the Magic Shop will comfort you

– Magic Shop ~ this song was inspired with the book I recently read, "Into the Magic Shop" and I tell you, it was so gooood. The book teaches you to channel your fears to something positive. It tells you to love oneself and others.

These are just 3 of the songs that comfort me when I feel like doubting myself.

I know this has been a long post, I don't know why I love talking about loving yourself and all that.

I am not even halfway on unconditional self love. I still have a long way to go. I still have that "one of those days" moments.

Small progress is a progress.

And if you came across this post, I hope you find something or anything here that'll help you be a better you.

Feeling seasick, baby

We just got this new coffee machine and drank three cups of coffee today. lol

It's almost 3am and, as usual, I'm not sleeping so I figured I should make an effort to update my blog.

Just kidding. I’m just really good at productive procrastination. I should've been trying to finish my book or binge watching this show I said I would finish this weekend but here I am.

What’s up with me?

Last Wednesday marked my first year with 3M. I know. A year has passed since I started this new job and we're still in this pandemic shit. It feels like things aren’t even getting better. New variants, anti-vaxxers.. what's wrong with the world, momma?

Since there's still this pandemic shit, haven’t been really going anywhere. We go drive around sometimes to get coffee or quick froyo run to keep us sane but other than that, pretty much stuck at home.

Balls deep into fangirling over BTS. Keeps me sane, for real. It might sound cliche but their music comforts me, the members have a way of making you feel like you're not alone. Plus, I guess, we all just really need something to look forward to and they've been releasing new content.

Looking at the past year, it has really been difficult to keep ourselves sane. It has been hard getting that peace of mind and being happy. This pandemic really has taken its toll on everyone, I hope it ends soon.

Things with Ty are doing good. Steady. It sucks cause our plans have been pushed back due to the current situation but, yup, still hanging in there. Tbh I'm difficult but he knows how to cope with my mood swings and passive aggressiveness that I’m trying to overcome. He has been very patient with me. It really helps that he knows me so well and we've known each other since forever.

Honestly, I've been up and overthinking about everything before I started this blog post. I still have those kind of episodes where I just feel so sad about everything and I think about every little thing. It sucks. It sucks a lot. I hate feeling this way. I just tend to close off and push people away when I do. I don't really wanna talk to anyone when I'm in this kind of bubble. I don’t even know what triggers it, it just suddenly pours on me like cold water and I just feel irritated, sad or even paranoid about anything. I know I always get past this but it just sucks going through it.

Okay, but anyway–

I should probably try to read my book now.

I’m not even proofreading this blog post and just going to publish it cause I’m too lazy for that