All said and done

Credits to the owner

This is it. The last post about Tyler.
It feels like everything was a lie.
I don't even know what to believe anymore.
I trusted him with everything.
Is it really that easy to drop me for someone else?
Is it really that easy to choose breaking me?
Right now, all I can think about is how I want to turn back time.
I won't reply to his messages. I won't make up with Anri and Giana.
I know, everything happens for a reason but I just want them out of my life.
Can't they just take all their crap outta my life and never speak about me?
Cause I sure hell won't. I'm done with them. All of them.

Getting back on Tyler.
Like I said, this is the last post I'm gonna be talking bout him.
I am even planning on blocking him on Snapchat. I don't want him to get updates from me anymore.
I don't even know what to say, really.
It felt like I have said enough. I expressed how sad I was and I regret it.
He was nothing but an asshole.
I regret ever considering him as someone who I can trust.

08/29

Was it all in my head?

I can't wait for this month to be over.

A lot has happened to me this month but I'm glad that everything is okay now.

Just praying for my Mommy's fast recovery now.

God is still so good after everything that has happened. He never fails.

I don't usually blog about family on my blog cause I think that's too personal for me and I feel kinda protective with them so I'm not gonna elaborate more... Just glad that my Mommy's okay now.

Update with me...

Well, I broke the "Don't message Tyler" streak. I know. I hate myself for that.

He messaged me first. I so gave him cold, dull answers but when he asked what happened.. that's when I caved in. It used to be him who I tell everything going on with me and now we're struggling for small talks. It sucks but all for the best. Everything has changed now. I just have to get used to it.

Matt and I don't talk as much either anymore.

I don't know. Savannah's back, so, I guess, he really doesn't need the company anymore.

All good though. I totally understand.. and besides, I was the one who talked much anyway. I don't wanna be a bother. Wish them well.

Right now, all I can feel is that I'm tired, I wanna sleep.

Pre occupied with what I have to do with work and with family stuff.

All is well

Don't forget about me

I don't want to be selfish but I don't want you to meet someone that will make you forget about me

So that's final.
I suck at the fading into not talking cause I always end up waiting for messages.
It makes me sad thinking how we used to talk like every day then struggling to make small talks now.
So I did what had to do and should've done days ago... I let go.

As I was reading through my Reddit account comments, I saw an answer I posted like 3 months ago.
The question was "If you had $100,000 what would you do tomorrow?" and my answer was so pathetic, "Apply for a visa and buy plane tickets to New Mexico. Put the rest to savings.". How naive is that right? How can that be my first thought knowing I have a hundred thousand dollars? I feel somewhat stupid.

I can't still promise that this will be the last post about him but I know that time will come. It will.

On the bright side, I am better than I was last weekend.
I can smile and I can laugh. I can somehow drown my mind with other stuff like work and talk to friends.
I've been aloof with Matt lately. I don't know. I just feel like it's different now. The situation has changed since Savannah is back and I understand that. I'm not complaining. It's just... Idk. I don't know how to explain it. But yeah.

Overall, I'm 40% okay. Hoping for the best!












You came along at the wrong place at the right time.. or was it me?

さようなら

This is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night

So this is it. The last day.
The last day I'm gonna let you get inside my head.
I know we've said good bye but why did you have to talk to me as if nothing was wrong after it?
I wish I knew this day will happen, I would've just left after saying 'hey'.
If I did, I wouldn't be teary eyed at 2:30 in the afternoon because the thought of you is haunting me.
I know this post is long over due but how can I let go someone who gave me so much to remember?

I don't know what to do.. or maybe I do but I'm just too weak to accept it.
Matt has been a great confidant with all these drama and crap but, of course, I can't depend on him forever. Especially now that Savannah is back. I don't wanna be selfish but it still makes me feel so jealous. I don't wanna be selfish but I sounded so selfish now.
Dice and Nian have been such a great cheerleaders too. Lol my INSTP friends looking out for me but I know they have their own drama to deal with too.

I don't wanna feel this way anymore.
I hate you for making me feel this.
I feel numb from all other emotions except pain and sadness.
I wish I never met you.
I wish I just let you walked away the first time we fought.
I wish I just continued walking away when I was so done with all your mixed signals.
I know they said that it happens for a reason. Everything does.
But whatever reason you happened, I don't want it.
I just want you out of my system.
I want you out of my life.

8/20 Backtrack

I got this heavy heart.

He didn't message me all day.

He opened my message & didn't reply.

All good though. I don't mind. It's nothing.

I swear after this weekend, I'm over it. I'm gonna just move on.

I'm so pissed at myself for being so whiny about this.

And now, I'm just reading through all the messages I saved on our Snapchat conversation.

February 21

Get ur visa.ill even help u buy a ticket

- This was when he got so pissed at me. I was seeing Sam then. I got pissed at him for saying this too cause he knows I'm not like that.

March 1

Love u hahah

Nothing. Hope u start feeling better soon

- This was when I was feeling so sick/under the weather

March 2

Miss ya tho homez

- We talk every fucking day but he still says this, well used to say this, randomly.

March 4

Meh u look way better than the scenery lol

Ur laugh was too cute haha

- This was when I sent him a video of where I was at. I can't quite remember where was I then though

March 24

Lol yay u finally got jealous

- This was when I got jealous because he was talking to someone else

March 25

Show the video im about to send to angry mama

- This was when I sent him a video of my momma who was pissed at me

March 30

Also mad's not the right word. Hurt, i was hurt u were fine with just not talking lol

- This was when we fought about something and he then got mad cause I was jealous then I said we should just stop talking

Gomen ne. あいしてる~~

- Apparently, it means Sorry and I love you *rolling my eyes emoji*

March 31

I was relieved when u said sam got with his ex lol. Was a bit jealous

- Randomly told me this because... I don't know either.

April 6

Just say it. Better than thinking ur not gonna talk to me anymore. N ur not the only one btw

- This was when I got pissed at him and didn't reply back all night.

I haven't met u in person n still feel like i miss u bahahah

- This was when we were talking bout him leaving Japan and moving to NM

April 8

Stop being cute damnit

April 9

Sleeeeeep. Love ya, enjoy the beach boo zzz

May 24

Haha. Looks good. Just saying ur gonna have to put up with guys tryin to pick u up if u wear it lol

- When I showed him what I was gonna wear out

I'm so torturing myself more for what I am doing right now. Lol

I'm lame as fuck.

08/19

02:17 PM
What was once inseparable pair is now struggling to make small talks
Struggling as fuck.
He messaged me first again earlier.
Replying to my morning Snapchat with a caption of "Guess who was supposed to just take a "nap" before studying but just woke up now". He asked what am I studying for.
He replied last though. I didn't know what to reply with his "Lol"
What am I supposed to say? "Lol too"? Lol
I sound so pathetic. Huhu

12:29 PM
I don't know why I'm constantly updating my blog since yesterday?
Lol I have Twitter but people are so judgmental lol
And this blog is like my comfort zone. No one is allowed to judge me but myself. Lol
Anyway, still no messages from Tyler after the "Lol" msg lol
This playlist is the only thing keeping me together right now... Thanks Kelvin!


03:33 PM
How can you still talk to him after everything that he did to break your heart?
Why do you even want to?
Why are you still waiting on his messages?
I feel so pathetic

09:41 PM
Sooooooo..... I don't know why but I think I'm getting better at this.
I mean, yeah, he messaged me na but it's like I'm programming myself to be okay.
It's like I'm slowly standing up and putting my guards up again. Thank you, Lord.
Lol. Maybe it all just caught me off guard that I reacted so oa.
Thank you for Kelvin's playlist. I like to believe that that's one of the reasons why I feel a bit ok now :)

08/18

12:40 PM
And then you became a name that I couldn't take without feeling a strange ache in my heart

It's pathetic but the first thing I did when I opened my eyes today was look at my phone, hoping and looking for any notifications from you but none...
Can I just fast forward to the day that I'm already over and done with it?
I'm so close to messaging you right now.
"So that's it?"
& you probably won't reply but I don't know. I want to know if you to feel what I'm feeling too.
Are you thinking of me too?
Do you smile when you watch my Snapchat stories? I know you still watch it cause you're on the views.
I can't help but wonder what's going on in your mind.
Do you still think "god, I love your laugh" when you hear my laugh like you used to tell me?
Do you still say "Stop being cute, I'm mad at you" when you see my face like you used to tell me?

I'm so mad. I'm so mad for thinking all these.
I'm so mad at myself cause I can't get over it.
I'm so mad that all I wanna do is message you, say everything and block you cause I'm too weak to even wait for you to answer.
I'm so mad for being a fun sucker bothering my friends with all my drama. Sorry Matt, if you're reading this
Okay, I almost broke down writing that that I had to call Johnaley (Best girl friend) to keep me sane.
I don't know what's real anymore

I'm so scared.
I'm so scared to get buried in this sadness.
I have kept myself together for a long time now and this one just hit me hard.
It hurt with what happened with Derek but it hurts more as fuck now with this.
Cause maybe with Derek, I had no choice but to let go because of the situation and we ended on good terms.
But with you, it was just all a mess. I'm a mess right now.
It was just the other day before this all happened, we skyped for a couple hours, talking about random stuff like you wanting to take me to this place when I go there. It was all so nice...
I miss your cat.
I miss you more though.

I’ve deleted you from all the platforms we’ve used in the past to communicate… but why am I still thinking about you...

01:41 PM
He fucking messaged me.
I don't know what to say. My nerves are freaking out and there's something inside my chest that is beating so loud.

02:17 PM
Why are we talking like nothing happened?
Why does it feel like we never said goodbye?
I am still afraid that you will stop responding to my messages and that it would hurt more.
Literally feeling pain in my chest when I breathe. Is that weird? Lol wtf is happening
I'm not suicidal. Fyi but god, you're making me crazy

03:23 PM
This is so bad.
This is such a bad idea.
We keep on messaging.
Every time I reply to your messages, it makes me anxious if I will get a reply back.
I'm so scared waiting then finding out you already read my message and didn't reply.
I sound so pathetic.
Pero ginusto ko to eh
Pls just leave gradually. At least that way, I know we're okay. I can pretend we're okay

05:05 PM
I don't know when this will end.
I don't know if you're just gonna suddenly stop responding or what.
I don't know.
This is so confusing.
How can we be so comfortable with each other? Lol

08:24 PM
Ayoko na.
Sinasaktan ko na lang sarili ko.
I don't know why I feel so vulnerable right now.
I've been so okay. So okay. I almost thought I didn't have a heart anymore cause I can't feel anything.
But now, I feel so vulnerable with Tyler. Lame.
Ayoko na. Tama na to.

Fuck apologies

You would even tell two lies to prove that you were right

I feel so stupid being so sad on this post (This post has been removed).
I felt like I was the one who ruined us.
I felt like I was the one who kept ruining us.
I felt like crap thinking bout it all.
And for what? Just to find out that we were never really okay for her. That I wasn't really her best friend. (I know I sounded so high school on that last sentence)

I regret pouring all my emotions into that post.
I regret ever getting back in contact with her when Cody and her broke up.
I regret ever trying to make the friendship work.
Cause I know we got issues before but I tried so hard to just forget bout it and trust her again.

I know I have said mean, crappy shit bout her out of anger and out of the things Giana told me she did and said behind my back.
I didn't even deny it when she confronted me.
I know it was wrong. I admitted I was wrong but hell to be betrayed like that.
I felt so betrayed cause it happened when I thought we were still cool.. when it was still okay.
All I wanted was for her to know how I felt but when she gave me the "I did it because of you. I was so mad at you" shit. I had it.
She can't blame me for doing that. She can't blame me for her infidelity.
She did that to herself. I don't even regret anything I did. But I feel sad that it caused me Tyler and, also that I hurt Pfister's feelings.
I can't put it all into details here, so I'll leave it like that, drop it and move on.

Safe to say that I will never make up with her.
I feel nothing for her. I don't regret what I did.
She made it my business when she said she did it because of me which is pure bullshit.
I don't want to do anything to do with her, hell, I want her outta my life.
I wish her nothing cause I don't give two shits bout her and her life anymore, really

And yes, this is the last post about her

Random nonsense 3:13 am thoughts

I can't sleep. Too much caffeine in my system.
Overthinking about stuff.
Why does my heart crave for pain?
Why do I choose the hard way rather than just going for the one delivered to me on a silver platter?
Does my heart need the pain for me to know that I have a heart?
Am I just reading this all wrong?
Is this all in my head?
Why does he always make it look like there's a chance for whatever this is?
Why do I feel like I want this?

But I probably shouldn't