3AM and I’m bored

Wow. Two blog posts in one day.
I’m in a roll. Just kidding. I’m bored, obviously.

So, what’s up with me?

– I’m working out again but not that intense though. Just want to have some routine back in my life. Who knew being in bed all day gets tiring after all? lol

– I’m going to travel next month! Second solo travel and I swear I’m gonna get a lot of shit done compared on when I was in Bangkok. Imma blog that up here. I can’t wait. I wanna get out and just explore.

– Work has been okay. I won the 2nd quarter awards for something. lol I just know I won something and I got performance points for it. I still work nights. I honestly learned to live with it.

– I recently realized that I’ve changed. I’ve changed in a way that the old me would’ve been proud of and would’ve avoided unnecessary drama as well. I realized that I’ve been more vocal. Maybe years of having girl drama caused this. I now say what I want. I owe up to what I’ve said before that may have hurt someone else's feelings. I directly talk to someone if there's something wrong. I know it should’ve been like that in the beginning but, damn, I was immature and easily corrupted. Thinking of it, I may have saved the friendship I had with Anri but nah, we both know it wouldn’t work with 'that' someone in the picture. Tbh, when 'that' someone wasn't in the circle, we were ok but all good. Some bridges are meant to be burned. We've moved on.

– Quarter life crisis is some kind of hell. I swear some days I’m good, some days I feel anxious thinking bout the future versus the things I’ve accomplished so far. Thinking 5 years ago, I can see that I made progress in life, my career and all that but you ever had that feeling that it's just not enough? You feel like you expected yourself to do more than that... I don’t know. Maybe this is just me lol

– I just wanna say that MALIBU NIGHTS is just awesome. I’m currently still listening to it and I just can’t. Paul exactly knows the words I wanna say.

– Marriage & kids. It's too soon to even say it but, to be honest, I have somehow given up with the idea of marriage. When Andy and I were together, the thought crossed my mind and how it would’ve been amazing spending the rest of my life with him, and even if we already broke up, I still think that but I can no longer change that thought for someone else. So, technically, if it's not with Andy, then I have given up on the idea of marriage and kids. I’m not even kidding and exaggerating. I swear to revisit this in a couple months and we'll see. But, as of the moment, I’m just trynna build myself up independently again... like how I was before, 2016 me. I don’t get people with kids that make it sound like people with no kids aren’t happy. Like stfu. lol

That’s probably it for now. I swear blog content next month will be.. nice. lol
I can't wait to travel. Quite nervous cause I’ll be traveling alone and I prolly just wing it and not rely on tour packages. Gahhhhhh.

A, this is a hate mail

Last message I sent you was telling you what a worthless 'friend' you are.
I didn't even wait for you to respond as I blocked your messages already, if any.

Little did I know I wasn't the only one who felt this way.
Even our other close friends do.
What happened to you?
I would’ve understood if you only cut it off with me after everything that happened.
I would’ve understood that she forbids you to even be in the same place as me.
But drifting off from our mutual friends ain't cool.
What happened to you?
You used to be so happy. You used to be so caring for your friends.
I can’t even find the right words to describe how much of a good friend were you back then.
What happened to you?
Don't even give me the "I have different priorities" bullshit.
We all have different priorities. We all have different lives.
Having different shit doesn’t mean you're just going to throw away old people in your life?
Maybe that's why you don't have long time friends, you treat friends as disposable.

Thinking of it, you were always like that.
When we were in college, you didn't really hang out with your high school friends.
And now, we're no longer in college, you don’t hang out with us or our friends too.
You have your workmates now... and her.
Are you really like that?
Are you just loyal to those who you have a use for?
Are you that weak to be overpowered by the people around you?
If that's the case, I pity you.

When everything went down, I went to look for myself but you... you didn't experience finding the real you. You were always with someone and that’s just sad.
You can pretend all you want that you've changed and all that but that's just a facade.
Being with you a couple times after everything that happened, I know you’re still there.
Barely but still there.
I hope she's worth it.
I hope she's worth everything you gave up for.
I hope whatever you became, you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror everyday and know that that's you. The real you and not just pretending to be someone you’re not.

Even if we're not friends, I still wish the best for you.
You were one of the best guy friends I had the  moment I started college.
It's sad losing you but I’m still glad cause I have three more best guy friends that genuinely care for me.
It's your loss. It's your loss throwing away friends that would've been with you through it all.