Taba

In a month, you will be married and I think it's just right to make this final blog post about you.

It was crazy how everything went down.
It was crazier how after everything, you choose to walk away... not just on what we had but on the friendship.

I'd like to think that we really had that something. Di lang naman ako nag ilusyon diba?
How can it be an illusion when every time I remember how you held my hand, my heart aches a bit?
Every time I remember those stolen kisses or peck on the cheek, my heart aches a bit more.
And every time I think about the little things like you leaning your head on my shoulder or you hugging me while we sleep or you making a way to spend time with me, my heart aches even more.
You waiting for me at my dorm's entrance for hours to talk and me telling you to go to your girlfriend's house to sober up wasn't an illusion. I even blocked you on my phone cause you were calling me nonstop.
You fetching me from the office cause you didn't want me to go home alone wasn't an illusion.
You telling me how happy you are with me wasn't an illusion.
You staying extra late so we can spend time together wasn't an illusion.
You telling me you love me and asking me to run away wasn't an illusion.
You going the extra mile just to cater to me wasn't an illusion.
Ang lala. lol.  I can go on all day talking about the fun years we had but this post would be too long.

I know it has been years. Y'all have obviously moved on. I have moved on.
We all have moved forward. This is just me reminiscing & saying goodbye for the last time.

It is hard letting go of the memories of you.
Sometimes I really wish we never did what we did cause maybe, just maybe, you and I would still be friends. I said maybe because there is still no guarantee that you would still be around... after all, you only hang out with people around you. It was like you left your high school friends in high school, you left your college friends in college... if that makes sense. lol

Letting the memories we had together go is hard because you were a great friend.
You were one of my best guy friends.
You were one of the top people who completed my college years.
You and I talked about how we would never be like those people who left or distanced themselves to the group... but you just turned out to be one of them.

I am leaving all of it to 2018.
I gotta accept the fact that you're not the person I used to be friends with.
The memories are just distant memories now.
You're no longer the person I know. You're a stranger.

bye, 2018

thank u, next

Mandatory year-end post. lol
This year was... I can't even think of an accurate adjective to describe it.

It is sad that I'm not ending this year with the one I started it with. Oh gosh, that made me teary-eyed. lol
Yes, it has been almost 4 months since we broke up. We still tried to fix it even if we both know that it won't work anymore. We just had to. It was so hard to let go of something that you still both wanted but it wasn't really working anymore so we had to let it go. They said it wasn't really the right one if it came at the wrong time, but it was real and if I'll have a chance to choose something that I can go back to someday and have it forever, that's gonna be it.

I lost myself this year. I lost myself cause I gave my all and when it ended, I didn't have anything left. It sucks but I am THAT kind of person – the person who gives her all in every relationship she has. I know I should change that. I hate feeling empty and lost but it was inevitable. I spent most of this year feeling like crap – so unmotivated and just stuck. I literally felt like every day is Day 1. I was literally stuck in Day 1. Sometimes I didn't even wanna get out of bed or wake up at all.

Having a solid support system that genuinely cares for me helped a lot.
Those friends who patiently reminded me that it will get better and that it's okay to be not okay sometimes.
Those friends who didn't call me "madrama" or "oa" for being the way that I am.
Those friends who constantly checked if I'm still hanging in there.
My Taiwan trip helped as well – being literally lost and just spending time with myself. Honestly, I almost didn't push through this trip cause I felt lazy and I was tired for no reason at all.
I'm glad I used the last of me to go on this trip cause it helped me get myself together plus Taiwan was just awesome. I love Taiwan. lol

I may be ending this year feeling -not even- 75% of myself but I'm glad I was even able to get past Day 1. I am motivated to do better this 2019. I got some small resolutions that I am just excited to do.

Even after everything, I'm still thankful for this year. The good may have been overshadowed by my sadness but I'm thankful that I got promoted last May, I got my salary increase on both mid-year and year-end performance feedback and I can't even count the blessings me and my family received all throughout the year plus good health for everyone. God is good all the time.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"

Psalm 147:3

2018 felt longer than it should've been but I'm still hopeful for 2019.
No expectations for this new year but, definitely, ready for whatever.

Happy new year y'all ♡ 

Taiwan-derlust

I wanna start this blog by saying how much I enjoyed my stay in Taiwan.
I stayed for 4 days and 3 nights but I swear I wanna stay there longer.

Red House Theater, 11/21

As you all probably noticed by now, I tend to travel during Novembers and specifically during Thanksgiving week because 1) It's a way for me to save a couple PTO days 2) I don't have work for Thanksgiving and the day after Thanksgiving.

My flight to Taipei was last November 21st at 7 AM. I went to the airport around 3 AM and I'm glad I did because the lines were just crazy. Line entering the airport was long, the line to pay for the Travel Tax was long and the line for the check-in counter was long as well. I spent like an hour or two falling in line. Tip: If you're flying via AirAsia, Opt-in to pay the Travel Tax when you purchase your tickets. After checking in my luggage, I went to Immigration that has long ass lines as well but since I went to the airport early, I was still a bit early for boarding so I had time to grab some breakfast at Starbucks. It took 2 hours to fly from Manila to Taipei-Taoyuan.

Taiwan Taoyuan International Airport - Terminal 1, 11/21

Arrived at Taoyuan Airport around 10 AM & damn Immigration line was so long too. Fun fact: Taiwan is visa-free for Philippine passport holders until Aug 2019. After that, I went to find the KKDay pocket Wi-Fi counter. For a solo traveler like me, it is essential to have an internet connection or else I would've been so lost lol. Besides, I only spent US$6-US$7 to rent the pocket Wi-Fi for 4 days which was very reliable. I didn't experience any downtime with it. Link to avail here. I also exchanged some of my money from PHP to NT$ at the airport – Tip: You can only exchange money at the airport or at Bank Of Taiwan. I totally knew this before my trip but I don't know why I just forgot and didn't exchange all my money at the airport.

Train from Taoyuan Airport Terminal 1 to Taipei Main Station, 11/21

So being a former strong independent woman who is trying to be a strong independent woman again, I rode the train from the airport to Taipei Main Station. I was so tempted to get a cab or über though but di na po tayo marupok. LOL. Then from Taipei Main Station, I tried to find the bus but I can't so I took a cab to Ximending area cause that's where the place I stayed at was located. It was only a 5-10 minutes drive and it only cost me around NT$100-NT$120. I stayed at Ximen Holiday Fun and I will definitely consider staying there again. The staff was so nice and helpful. I arrived way too early for the check-in time and since I didn't exchange enough money, I decided to go to the bank. It was a long walk, I can't even count how many blocks I walked but it was weird that I didn't get that tired. All throughout my trip, I had to walk a lot. My feet hurt but it was a good kind of pain. According to my iPhone's steps tracker, I apparently walked more or less than 200,000 steps all throughout my trip. LOL

Red House Theater, 11/21

First night in Taipei was nice. I walked around Ximending area. My hotel's location is so convenient to everything. Tip: Stay in Ximending area when you're going to Taipei. It is near the night market, shopping stores and, just everything. I only ate beef noodles that night. That is also the night my milktea addiction started... HAHAHA. I also hoarded some boxed drinks at Family Mart.

Boxed coffee from Family Mart, 11/22

I love how I was so committed on this trip.
I woke up early and was just so motivated to explore the city.
I love love love love how there are boxed coffee, milk tea or juice at Family Mart. There is even cereal with malt milk in one packaging.

Second day in Taipei, the plan was to go to the National Palace Museum.
It was cold that day. Bit rainy but I love how it was cold.
I took the bus and missed my stop so I had to do a roundtrip. lol
Tip: Install Google Maps & Google Translate
Most of the people in Taiwan don't really speak English so it was very helpful that I have Google translate. After missing my bus stop and doing a bus route roundtrip, I think it took me more or less than an hour, I arrived at the National Palace Museum. I availed my ticket beforehand at KKDay so it was smooth claiming my ticket. I just had to show my e-voucher. I don't know if it was cheaper but I bought my ticket for US$12. Link to avail the ticket here. I was hesitant to avail the audio guide cause the reviews were mostly disappointing and useless but damn I should've availed for it cause I didn't really understand anything inside the museum lol It was nice looking around. It was also very crowded so I had a hard time roaming around.

After the National Palace Museum, I went to Taipei 101.
I tried to eat at Din Tai Fung but damn I was too hungry to wait and ended up eating at Hawker Chan.
After late lunch, I walked around and decided to go to a nearby mall, ATT4Fun. I was looking to buy for a new jacket because my leather jacket was shedding. It was heartbreaking cause I love that jacket but it was cold and the leather shedding was getting worse. So it was time to say goodbye to my red leather jacket and bought my pink Pull & Bear jacket.

Taipei 101, 11/22

I tried to hike the Elephant Mountain but my feet were giving up on me and it was a good decision that I didn't because they said it was too foggy at the top to even see Taipei 101.

This photo was 10 minutes in the hiking trail.

After a long day of walking, I went back to my hotel and rested for a bit.
I went out around 7 ish to go eat at Ximending Night Market.
I pretty much ate a lot and random Taipei must-try street food.

Ay-Chung Flour Rice Noodles is definitely a must-try. There is a line but it is fast moving. They don't have chairs, so people pretty much stand around the store and eat. It was perfect for that Taipei night weather. #TaipeiEats 

We already have a Hot Star here in Manila but I just have to try this as well. I haven't tried the one here in Manila but they said it pretty much tastes the same. The only difference was the chicken is thicker in Taiwan than in Manila stores. PS that mango drink was the bomb as well. #TaipeiEats

Third day in Taipei was allotted for the KKDay Jiufen, Shiufen, and Yehliu Tour.
I took the bus to Taipei Main Station since the meeting area was in Taipei Main Station East Gate 1.
I arrived early so I just bought a burger and lemon juice at 711 for breakfast.
Most of the people on the tour were Filipinos so I didn't have a hard time.

Mushroom Rocks

First stop was Yehliu Geopark.
It was an hour away from Taipei Main Station.
There were different kinds of rock formation there but I swear I only saw the mushrooms and the leopard – that I accidentally deleted from my phone lol

Chicken wings stuffed with rice

Second stop was Shifen Old Street.
This is where the sky lanterns are from. They said it was nice at night here but there's not much to do here.
The Sky Lantern costs from NT$150-NT$300. There are several colors to choose from that has their own meaning.
The people there will help you light it up and take pictures and videos of you holding it until it flies away.
The chicken wings were recommended by our tour guide and she also said that it's cheaper to buy souvenirs here than Jiufen. Didn't buy any though since it was cheaper at Ximending lol

We had to cross this bridge to get to the waterfalls

We also had a quick stop at Shifen Waterfalls. It was only a 30-minute stop.
They also call it as 'rainbow falls' or 'Taiwan's niagara falls'.
It was beautiful and peaceful.

Heavenly cream puff

Last stop was Jiufen Old Street.
It was basically a street with side by side stores selling delicacies or street food or souvenirs.
We got a bit lost going around it and it was super crowded as well.
Luckily we have tour mates who can speak mandarin so we were able to navigate to the end of the street to bring us back where we started.

After that, we were off to go back to Taipei Main Station and it was 90 minutes away.
Overall, the tour was worth it. It only costs US$23 for the whole tour. Link here to avail.
The bus was nice, our itinerary was followed well. Our tour guide, Amy, was funny and approachable.

After the tour, I went back to my hotel to rest and freshen up. I left around 7PM to go to Shilin Night Market. Shilin Night Market is one of the go-to night markets and I can totally see why cause compared to Ximending Night Market there were more choices and it was bigger. I didn't eat much here because I got busy looking around. I will definitely go back here.

Beef Cubes with teriyaki sauce

This braised pork wasn't really that good but I was craving for rice lol but that MILKTEA WAS THE BOMB

After roaming around Shilin Night Market, I rode the bus and walked around Ximending. Mostly bought souvenirs and stuff to bring home this night cause my flight back to Manila was the next day at night.

Last day in Taipei, I (of course) went to the Zoo. Mainly to see the penguins and the panda. I rode the train to Taipei Zoo. I just LOVE the public transportation in Taiwan. I don't know if I've said that before but I just love it. I only had to take two trains to Taipei Zoo and it was super convenient.

Arrived around 9AM. Perfect timing as the zoo just opened. I used my EasyCard to pay for the entrance fee.

Ofcourse, flamingos. They look healthier than the ones I saw at Dusit Zoo at Bangkok.

I swear I have never seen an awake Koala. Reminded me of Alexon lol

I was so happy seeing not one but TWO elephants. SO HAPPY!!

So happy that I had to take a selfie ofcourse! 

Fact: It was my first time to see Camels in real life and not just on my iPhone's emoji keyboard

Too many turtles to count

Comfy Panda

I only had like 10 seconds to see this Panda cause there was a line and there were too many people but it was worth it cause he/she was so cooperative and just so cuuuuuuuuute

Had a lunch date with a Panda... JK! This was at the café located upstairs of the Panda House, near the gift shop. I swear it was meant to be because this table was of for one and it wasn't occupied when I got there. TRULY MEANT TO BE!!

Bolognese was yummm and worth the NT$

Conquered Taipei Zoo!!

I can say that going to Taipei Zoo was worth it. It has a lot to offer and the animals looked like they are all well taken care of. They look healthy and happy and they have a decent space to roam around and not feel so trapped. I love every second of it.

Healthy Penguins!!!

After Taipei Zoo, I wanted to go visit the memorial halls and temples but calculating the travel time and all that, I didn't have enough time to go back to my hotel to pack, get dinner and go to the airport 3 hours before my flight. Since my flight was at 1AM, I had to be at the airport by atleast 10PM and I wanted to take the train instead of spending NT$1000 for a cab. I really think it's not wise to take a cab in Taiwan since the public transportation is very reliable.

Packing situation. Thank God I was able to close it lol YES, I BOUGHT THREE BABIES AT TAIPEI ZOO lol A Panda, a Giraffe and a Penguin :)

I didn't get a chance to go to the usual tourist spots like the memorial halls and the temples but I swear I'm gonna go back. I love Taiwan. I will definitely be back. I left Manila lost and confused that I almost made a pass on this trip cause I was so lazy and depressed and just unmotivated, I came back somewhat renewed and feeling better. I got literally lost but still found my way. It all gave me a different perspective and a lot of hope that everything will be better in time. It gave me a time to renew and put myself back together again on my own. I'm glad I pushed through this trip.

Looking so tired but that I definitely missed that smile. This was on the train to the airport.

/All photos are taken with  iPhone X/

3AM and I’m bored

Wow. Two blog posts in one day.
I’m in a roll. Just kidding. I’m bored, obviously.

So, what’s up with me?

– I’m working out again but not that intense though. Just want to have some routine back in my life. Who knew being in bed all day gets tiring after all? lol

– I’m going to travel next month! Second solo travel and I swear I’m gonna get a lot of shit done compared on when I was in Bangkok. Imma blog that up here. I can’t wait. I wanna get out and just explore.

– Work has been okay. I won the 2nd quarter awards for something. lol I just know I won something and I got performance points for it. I still work nights. I honestly learned to live with it.

– I recently realized that I’ve changed. I’ve changed in a way that the old me would’ve been proud of and would’ve avoided unnecessary drama as well. I realized that I’ve been more vocal. Maybe years of having girl drama caused this. I now say what I want. I owe up to what I’ve said before that may have hurt someone else's feelings. I directly talk to someone if there's something wrong. I know it should’ve been like that in the beginning but, damn, I was immature and easily corrupted. Thinking of it, I may have saved the friendship I had with Anri but nah, we both know it wouldn’t work with 'that' someone in the picture. Tbh, when 'that' someone wasn't in the circle, we were ok but all good. Some bridges are meant to be burned. We've moved on.

– Quarter life crisis is some kind of hell. I swear some days I’m good, some days I feel anxious thinking bout the future versus the things I’ve accomplished so far. Thinking 5 years ago, I can see that I made progress in life, my career and all that but you ever had that feeling that it's just not enough? You feel like you expected yourself to do more than that... I don’t know. Maybe this is just me lol

– I just wanna say that MALIBU NIGHTS is just awesome. I’m currently still listening to it and I just can’t. Paul exactly knows the words I wanna say.

– Marriage & kids. It's too soon to even say it but, to be honest, I have somehow given up with the idea of marriage. When Andy and I were together, the thought crossed my mind and how it would’ve been amazing spending the rest of my life with him, and even if we already broke up, I still think that but I can no longer change that thought for someone else. So, technically, if it's not with Andy, then I have given up on the idea of marriage and kids. I’m not even kidding and exaggerating. I swear to revisit this in a couple months and we'll see. But, as of the moment, I’m just trynna build myself up independently again... like how I was before, 2016 me. I don’t get people with kids that make it sound like people with no kids aren’t happy. Like stfu. lol

That’s probably it for now. I swear blog content next month will be.. nice. lol
I can't wait to travel. Quite nervous cause I’ll be traveling alone and I prolly just wing it and not rely on tour packages. Gahhhhhh.

A, this is a hate mail

Last message I sent you was telling you what a worthless 'friend' you are.
I didn't even wait for you to respond as I blocked your messages already, if any.

Little did I know I wasn't the only one who felt this way.
Even our other close friends do.
What happened to you?
I would’ve understood if you only cut it off with me after everything that happened.
I would’ve understood that she forbids you to even be in the same place as me.
But drifting off from our mutual friends ain't cool.
What happened to you?
You used to be so happy. You used to be so caring for your friends.
I can’t even find the right words to describe how much of a good friend were you back then.
What happened to you?
Don't even give me the "I have different priorities" bullshit.
We all have different priorities. We all have different lives.
Having different shit doesn’t mean you're just going to throw away old people in your life?
Maybe that's why you don't have long time friends, you treat friends as disposable.

Thinking of it, you were always like that.
When we were in college, you didn't really hang out with your high school friends.
And now, we're no longer in college, you don’t hang out with us or our friends too.
You have your workmates now... and her.
Are you really like that?
Are you just loyal to those who you have a use for?
Are you that weak to be overpowered by the people around you?
If that's the case, I pity you.

When everything went down, I went to look for myself but you... you didn't experience finding the real you. You were always with someone and that’s just sad.
You can pretend all you want that you've changed and all that but that's just a facade.
Being with you a couple times after everything that happened, I know you’re still there.
Barely but still there.
I hope she's worth it.
I hope she's worth everything you gave up for.
I hope whatever you became, you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror everyday and know that that's you. The real you and not just pretending to be someone you’re not.

Even if we're not friends, I still wish the best for you.
You were one of the best guy friends I had the  moment I started college.
It's sad losing you but I’m still glad cause I have three more best guy friends that genuinely care for me.
It's your loss. It's your loss throwing away friends that would've been with you through it all.

Losing it over you

It's so unlike me to do but I’m losing it over you
∞
I’ve been such a flaker on updating my blog. I think ever since I got into a relationship, I got lazier and lazier to update this thing.

So, I’m back and y'all probably know why.
A year and a half but it felt way longer than that.
It was long distance.
He was thousands of miles away but he knew me better than anyone else.
We were a world away from each other but what we had felt more real than my past relationship.
How unfair is it for something this great to just end?
Not cause we don’t love each other anymore, not because we fought, not because we don't want each anymore.
But because fate is a bitch. The distance is a bitch. Being away from each other is a bitch.

I can't say we didn’t try cause we did. We tried so hard.
We tried to beat the odds but the odds weren't in our favor.
I thought getting cheated on was the worst thing in a relationship.
Turned out trying so hard to work things out then failing to work it out is the worst thing in a relationship.
I always say that the 'what ifs' will always haunt you.
Turned out no what ifs will haunt you more.

It has been more than 24 hours since we broke up.
This might be too soon to say but I know that is it.
Before we broke up, I felt that 'calm before the storm', so I can't say I didn’t see it coming.
It was like I know it was getting harder but I tried with every last of it.
A part of me didn’t want to but a part of me gave up with him.
Like he said, what we had was great but the relationship is just stuck.

I understand and I know it's just better to end it than prolong the agony even more.
It just makes me anxious whenever the thought of him forgetting about me enters my mind.
I want him to be happy even if it's not with me.
I want him to get everything he wanted.
I wish him well.

I wish it was that easy to forget all these and just move on.
I meant it when I said he's the last one.
Before him, I didn't even wanna get into a relationship anymore.
That is one of the reasons why I tried so hard to make it work. Despite the distance, despite the challenges.

Time to just work on myself again.
One day, I’ll wake up and I will feel better again instead of this heavy heart and getting the urge to cry my eyes out.
One day, I'll be able to get through the day without wondering how he is.
One day, his name won't make my heart ache.
One day. One day.
∞
Even when we try to forget, love will remember