'I love you' slut

The best thing about working from home is I can stay in bed all day.
I haven't been on here lately.. so you know.. It's either I've been busy, happy or peaceful.
Cause I only go in here when I'm sad, overthinking, mad or just have a lot of random stuff in mind.

We are almost over this year, I can't believe it either.
So many stuff has happened, I never expected all of these.. I'm gonna save all this year recap drama on a separate blog post lol

I've been binge-watching a lot of series on iFlix/Netflix lately. Mostly on iFlix cause I have the app on my phone but we have Netflix on our TV. All I can say is that iFlix's iOS app sucks. It has a lot of bugs and some features need a lot of improvements.

Anyway, I have binge-watched The Vampire Diaries from Season 1 to 7 and I can't freaking wait for Season 8, especially that it rumored that Nina Dobrev will do a couple of episodes. So, now, I moved from TVD to How I Met Your Mother. I have previously watched Season 1 of this so I started with Season 2.

There's this one episode that mentions being an "I love you" slut and an "I love you" prude.
Basically, an "I love you" slut is someone who says I love you so easy. Like it's not like they don't mean it, it's just they feel too much emotions and they want to say those words.

For me, I can say that I am in between, I guess.
I mean, I don't say I love you like a love song. (Lol see what I did there?)
I have said I love you to someone I don't really love though. Not proud of it but, in that moment, it felt like it was a crucial moment that only an "I love you too" will save it. You know what I mean.
Like I said, I wasn't proud of it and I'm pretty sure that person was the same too. He didn't really love me, he was just caught up in the moment.
I have a hard time of showing how I really feel. Well, now I do.
I used to be a risk taker. I used to say "I got nothing to lose".
I am still a risk taker but more cautious now.
For example, this guy recently asked me how I feel about him.. I like him, yes. But I didn't say that.
Instead, I said, "I don't know yet. I'm still trying to figure you out".
And that's how I've been lately.
I don't lay all my feeling out on the table like I used to.
It's like I'm making sure that the other person is a hundred percent invested on it before I jump on it.
I keep everything to myself. I don't let them see me vulnerable and weak.
I don't let them see all my weaknesses cause I don't wanna be crushed anymore.
It all may sound melodramatic but it's the truth.
One thing I learned throughout this year is.. at the end of the day, no one's gonna look out for you but yourself.

Not another Matt, not another Tyler

I found myself saying "Not another Matt, not another Tyler" like a chant.
I don't know how or why but it just seems like, lately, it's either I care or I feel nothing at all.
There's no in between.

I like to think that I am a clingy person.
Clingy.. but not in the sense of overwhelming you with my presence.
Clingy in a way of letting you know that I care and pay attention to every detail that you tell me.
I can't explain it.. but I know I am. Lol
I don't like getting ignored. It makes me think that you are talking to other people. I know, trust issues.
I notice everything. I don't like sudden change.
Like making time to talk to me then, the next day, not even bothering to say good morning.
I hate that kind of change. It makes me feel like you're tired of me.
It makes me feel like if I no longer reach out, it wouldn't matter.

And whenever I feel that, I tend to build all the walls around me.
I tend to remove myself from the norm.
I ignore everything. It takes everything in me to ignore stuff I care about but I'm stubborn, so, I always find my way to put a show that I can ignore you the way you did to me.

I don't know if I'm making any sense. I just want to vent this.
Tyler told me he didn't think I was clingy or needy or whatever. He said we just ran out of things to talk about that's why we didn't talk as much then as the way we did when we started talking.
I don't know if the way I said it made sense.

I don't know. I think this didn't make sense. I just wanted to blog bout what I'm thinking to get it off my head