I’m too damaged

I’ve been listening to sad songs. It's sad.
I know. That is my talent – making myself sad.
I’m too way in my feels right now but I don't even know what to write.

We're taking things slow.
I should be happy and relieved.
My last post was like my anxiety in words lol

A part of me is fine with it. We both have been into situations that damaged our hearts too bad.
We know how it is like to be that hurt. We both have our walls up.. too high.

A part of me thinks this is just the first step til it all disappears.
Me being me knows I’m overthinking it but I can't help it.

I know he's sincere and he won't do me like that.
I know he's just holding himself back cause he's scared of this all too.
I know cause his words, I feel them... I know they came from his heart.
People may think I’m gullible for saying that but my heart just knows his heart.
My heart knows what he has been through.
We've been straightforward and honest with each other that I shouldn't even be overthinking bout anything cause everything is all laid out as it is.
But... I'm me. I can't help it.

I can't even feel mad about it or with him.
I feel devastated bout the situation to be honest.
I've said from the start how he's an amazing person and that I'll always gonna be thankful even when it ends. That’s still true.
I feel so thankful to even have him as a part of my life that I can't feel bitter about it.
It's so rare to come across someone who has a heart like him.
It's like my heart knows his scars too well that I understand. Cause I’ve been there.

Maybe I don’t feel bitter even when I think about losing him cause I know he wouldn’t mean it like that.
For all it's worth, I want him to be happy.
I want him to feel that kind of joy he made me feel cause he deserves it.
I want him to finally find that person who will spend the rest of her life with him.
He deserves a person who will stay with him forever.
I want to be that person but if I’m not meant to be that person for him, it will be fine with me as well.
He just deserves that joy and love in his life.
It's so rare nowadays to find a guy who has those kind of intentions.
A guy who thinks about the future like that.
A guy who thinks about things like that.
I would’ve given everything to be that person for him but we all know it doesn’t work that way.

I can still remember that time we were just talking bout stuff, smiling, looking at each other and I suddenly told him, "my heart is not broken, it's shattered". He looked at me with his pretty hazel eyes and told me, "that's fine. i'll pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and glue them together with your shattered pieces and make it whole again"

Damn, I be this sad when we haven’t even concluded this shit out lol
I have a way of really overthinking stuff, it's crazy. I should stop.
But, one day, when all this ends, I know I'll write another blog post about it and I swear that would be one of the hardest posts to write about~

Dun sa lugar kung saan ka magiging masaya, kahit di ako ang kasama, ihahatid kita