Yes, you've read it right.
This year is purely about regaining the self-love and motivation I lost.
I honestly feel so motivated even before this year has even started. I am fueled up to do everything that pops into my head. I wish I can put all those thoughts to reality this year.
So, strictly no dating. Why?
I don't know either. lol
I just feel like I need to focus on myself to be able to do everything I wanna do.
I am aware of how I am when I get into a relationship or casual dating... I tend to get way toooooo committed, tooooo distracted, tooooo girlfriend-ish.
Well, that's me. I'm one of those people and I know it's not good but it's not necessarily bad either.
I mean, c'mon, being loyal, faithful or basically not interested into other people besides your partner is not something special. It is what is should be.
It's sad how being loving or faithful or even being honest is a standard now.
So, this year, no dating, no "talking", no dating apps (yes, I did dating apps. don't judge lol), no flings.
If it comes, it comes, If it doesn't it doesn't. No rush.
It's funny when I say "I seriously don't think I am ever gonna get married. I don't even want kids. I just wanna travel the world" to people. Their reactions are mostly the same.
They will say, "don't say that. you're too young to make that ultimatum" or
"you're just saying that cause you're hurt/you just broke up/you don't have a boyfriend right now" or
"who's gonna take care of you when you're old??".
It's funny because they don't make sense.
I really think I'm just gonna end up single and traveling the world 'til I can't anymore and just settle down to my own home or prolly in a nursing home AND that is not sad.
I don't say that for people to pity me or feel sad for me. I don't think that way because I don't have someone in my life right now. I definitely don't think kids are like an insurance for you to have someone look after you when you're old.
Did I still have these thoughts when I was in a relationship? Yes.
Like, yeah, we've talked about marriage and kids because that's normal.
Planning a family with someone you love is normal and expected. You don't date just to flirt or have a constant person to have sex with or get free gifts or convenience.
When we date, we obviously want it for the long run, not just for now.
But those thoughts were still at the back of my head. They were forgotten but they're still there.
I'm probably not the optimist I am claiming to be. lol
I don't know why. I can't explain why it never left my mind. Maybe because of the household that I grew up in, my parent's marriage or maybe because of my experiences. I don't know but it is what it is.
When Andy and I broke up, first few days or weeks or even months made me so vulnerable.
I didn't know what to do anymore cause I've altered my plans, my outlook, my expectations in life.
Like my new plans were basically dependent with his plans. Like we both adjusted and compromised our plans to fit in our future... which is normal in a relationship.
That's probably why we still tried to make it work but distance & other circumstances are shit.
The thought of "growing old with me, myself and my dreams" was buried with all the "us". We both wanted the best in life.
Don't get me wrong, we were still our own person. We can still manage to do stuff by ourselves.
We weren't codependent. It's more like the plans, the future, the expectations.
It was the worst feeling. Maybe that's why I felt so lost and unmotivated... I didn't know what to do anymore because my plans were buried by our plans.
I don't ever wanna feel that lost again. It was draining everything left of me.
But, then again, maybe I just haven't find the right one for me.
The one that I don't have to lose myself for.
The one that will make me feel that 'yeah, it's ok to grow old by myself knowing I've done everything I wanna do' is good but growing old with him is better.
The one that will just naturally complement with my plans.
Truth be told, I really haven't lost my faith in love. It's still here.
I trust God. Whatever His plan for my life & heart, I fully trust Him with it.
I can have that faith and also be how I am.
Like I said – If it comes, it comes. If it doesn't, it doesn't.
One thing is for sure though... I will never lose myself again for someone.
No one should ever feel that way.
This year has definitely a lot in store for me.
I got little goals set like:
🗸 I am gonna read & finish at least 1 book per month – that's why you're seeing a GoodReads widget I recently added on the right side of my blog page.
🗸 I also plan to travel this year. I am aiming for at least 2 countries. Wanna go back to Taiwan!!
🗸 I also previously wanted to take at least 2 pictures per month on my instax, like I even bought 40 films but my Instax Wide 300's battery leaked. I accidentally left the batteries in for a long time. Planning to buy a new one though just to push thru this goal lol
🗸 And, of course, I always have the goal to save money and work out every year.
🗸 Also, I wanna update this blog at least once a month & I'll probably make some front end changes to it. – I just added this one on my little goals for this year lol
Hopefully, by the end of 2019, I can tick all of those boxes out.
His will be done. Always.
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| Happy New Year from my family to yours ♡ |
