Old habits

 It took me years to get over the feelings I had for you

At some point, I didn't even think we would remain friends for this long

I already closed my doors to the possibility of us

It is still closed

I don’t even know why I’m making this post but I just wanna get it all out

Cause I don’t wanna think about it anymore

It has been so long

I thought we have already outgrown our habits

We had the "we were young" card back in college

We were young, we made mistakes

We did irresponsible stuff that we don't even feel guilty or talk about like that

We're not in college anymore

I expected more from us

It wasn’t just your fault, I’m at fault too.

It takes two to tango

I feel bad for not feeling bad

I feel bad cause it was normal for us

I feel bad cause we didn’t have the need to talk about it

I feel bad cause I thought we already outgrown it

I feel bad cause we didn't feel any remorse over it

But, I guess, old habits die hard huh?

I guess, I just feel the need to feel this cause situation's different now

As selfish as it sounds, I just need to feel like a decent human being

I just need to feel like this isn't really me

But, as bad as it sounds, I guess I am

I guess we are bad people

I just hope this doesn't end up biting me in the ass

I hope as my bruises heal, this will fade out in my memory as well

To the brighter side

 Every time I try to leave, my heart won't let me

Crazy how it's November already.
We all literally spent the whole year inside of our houses. This pandemic is crap.
I've been okay. Just hanging in there.
I thought I would be making a post about us not communicating for a month but he reached out the other day, just checking up on me.
That’s the thing that makes it difficult. I can’t be mad or whatever at him cause I know he's a good guy.
I know everything that happened wasn't nothing to him. It just sucks how things are.

And I realized that maybe that was the closure I needed. All I felt when we were talking was how it was nice he was checking up on me.
That’s how I know for sure how I’m just stuck on the memories and the idea of him.
I get sad sometimes thinking of what we used to be or how I got used to talking to him literally all day, everyday about everything.
But, as I've said over and over before, nakakasanayan din.

It took me reading my old posts to somehow realize how my emotions can consume me most of the time.
Consume me in a way I would think there's no getting over that current situation anymore, when the truth is, I underestimate myself too much cause I know I am strong enough to get over it.
But I would say it's quite normal. Maybe emotions are powerful like that and that you just have to learn to snap out of it and think bout the positive side.

It's not your fault. Never be too hard on yourself. You deserve better. It ain't worth it anyway.
Those are the things I always tell myself. That and mind over matter. Just focus on the bright side.
It works most of the time but, sometimes, those emotions really got a way of being a bitch but it's okay not to be okay sometimes.

There will always be tomorrow. Doesn't matter how many Day 1s you return to. Even the littlest progress is a progress.

This post is too sane for me, I don't even know why but yay