You again

I sometimes wonder if you still think about me like I think about you.
2 days ago, an email from you answered that for me.
I woke up with an email from you.
It caught me off guard cause I didn't think you'll email me again after how we ended our last conversation exactly 4 months ago.
My heart ached on how you started your email with remembering that it's my birthday soon.
It ached more on the part that you didn't say bye at the end of that email but said "forever & always" instead.
Yesterday, you decided to call me and wanted to show me something.
You were wearing the sweater I gave you. Prolly the only green sweater you own.
The moment we said hello, we laughed.

I don't know what to feel.
I've been missing you and it was so nice to know that you've been thinking and missing me too.
But I realized then that it wasn't enough to come back.
I guess, in a way, I grew.
I'm glad he reached out. It was touching to know that it's just not me.
It was nice to know that the person you're missing misses you too.
It was nice talking to him again.

But it's not enough to come back anymore.
It's not enough to fall into old habits.
I guess, in a way, I've moved on.

It took me 2 days to complete this post and turns out I didn't really have a lot to say.

last goodbye;

It's that time of the year again.
Every end of the year, I always try to reflect on the year I had and make sure to do better the next year.
Sometimes I get to be consistent about it, sometimes I don’t.

If there's one thing I am eager and hopeful for is that to let go Andy completely.
This time I’m gonna be consistent about it.
I pray that this is the last year that I'll feel this pain and shed these tears because of him.
I may sound so dramatic but I swear that I just want him out of my life.

I maybe be crying my heart out today but, one day, I'll be able to say "I’m fine" without lying.
I gotta stop with this weak ass front. I am not this person.
I am strong. I am independent.

I just need to get myself together and I will. I definitely will.
It's time to move forward. No looking back. Not even a glance.

I always get up from every struggle.
This is just one of those struggles.
I know what to do.

He wasn’t worth it.
Red flags are there to warn you. Never ignore them ever again.

I don't even know what to really blog right now but I'm just thinking of stuff to motivate me and maybe motivate other people who will come across this post. I feel like if I write, that’s when I feel more motivated to do it and maintain it.

I will get over this. I will. I just need time.

PMS or whatever

The thing about sadness is that it's inevitable.

It can hit you at any time of the day.

It's stupid how some days I feel like I'm okay, some days I feel like I'm back in Day 1.

Today is one of the days I feel like I'm back in Day 1 that I don't wanna do anything at all.

One of those days I doubt if it really gets better.

I know I'm a walking contradiction.

It's sad how I can be emotional and just plain cold hearted. There is no in-between.

I hate feeling like I'm vulnerable, weak, needy, clingy, dependent.

I hate feeling like my walls have been broken down.

How come I hate feeling like these but I still wanna be with someone who makes me feel like these?

Stupid as fuck.

Yeah, I do.

I wanna be with him. I can't even deny it.

Every time someone will ask me why we broke up, I would say that it wasn’t working for the both of us anymore... and that's true.

Then they would ask why are we still in touch if that's the case and I try not to cry every time I tell them that there is still love there, it's just the situation that’s not working.

It sucks cause I know that staying in touch will just make the wound deeper.

How can you unlove someone?

How can you make the butterflies go away?

Am I just delusional?

How is it even if I try, even if I divert my feelings to someone new, it always come back to the fact that they’re not you?

I hope someday soon I can wake up from this dream and just trust that in another life, it would be different. Different good. Different right.

That in another life, all this pain, all this struggle, it's worth it.

I just have to accept that, in this lifetime, we aren't meant to be. The stars aren't aligned for us.

It scares me to find someone new and make it work with them... only to realize that he's not you.

x

What if I'm tryin', but then I close my eyes and then I'm right back, lost in that last goodbye?

12 months later

That was 12:47 PM on a Friday, August 30th to be exact. I was at the office.
It was 13 minutes before my meeting and I couldn’t stop myself from crying.

".. the way I want it with you"
That part echoed in my mind several times.
If fate was fair, we would’ve been great together.

It has been a year and my heart still aches whenever you cross my mind, your smile, your face, or even hearing your name.
I prayed, I wished, I hoped for everything to work in our favor.
But, Andy, we lucked out. Maybe we weren't really just meant to be.

I've kept you as a part of my life even if we're not together anymore cause we've been through a lot.
But why does feel like the only choice to fully heal is to just let you go completely?
I just have to pick up the pieces on my own. One step at a time, right?

You know what's funny though, I'm not afraid of growing old alone but I'm afraid of the thought that I won't get over you... that time won't do it's job to make this love fade... this love and this pain.

I still think we met at the right time and you are the right person.
You were the right person for that right time.
I met you at the phase of my life when I needed to make myself believe in love again.
I can still remember the person I was before I met you.
I had commitment issues. I dated a lot. Partied and drank every week.
Dating a guy was so simple. I can even detach myself from the situation so easily.
I don't lose sleep over a guy. No feelings, no attachments, just plain old cold hearted, strong, independent me.
Then you came along and pulled me back to earth, melted my iced cold heart.
You made me believe in love again. You made me believe I can still be someone I used to know and better.
I may say I regret meeting you... out of pain or maybe when I’m drunk.
But I don’t. I don't regret the joy you brought to my life.

Maybe someday, I may not still be over you but I'll remember you with a smile instead of this pain in my heart.
Maybe someday, I won't tear up when someone mentions your name.
Maybe someday, I'll remember all our good times instead of the reality that we didn't end up together.

I was never afraid of growing old alone.
but..

Maybe in another life, things will be better for us.
Maybe in another life, it'll be forever and always.

Waves of letting you go

Fate just keeps on being a bitch.

It has been exactly a year since we broke up today.

Somehow, the universe felt the need to test all our stars.

You were suddenly calling me and I hate myself for not even hesitating to answer.

I answered and there you were. The face I missed.

We talked. You asked me what's up and all that.

We laughed. It hurt seeing you seeing me smile and your eyes telling me how you missed seeing me smile and laugh.

I hate how you look at me when I'm smiling or laughing.

I hate feeling like you still feel the same.

I told you, "it's gonna be a year since we broke up tomorrow."

You asked, "are you still waiting for me?"

I swear my heart ached a bit more cause I feel bad for myself for actually realizing that a part of me still is waiting.

I didn't answer but we both know what the answer was.

You told me, "I don't know why I feel tired when I talk to you but not the bad kind. Like a good tired."

I said, "I know. I'm boring"

You said, "No, you’re not boring. It's just that I get so comfortable when I talk to you."

Then we napped on FaceTime like we used to.

It has been a while since I slept that good.

You messaged me in the morning telling me, "That was a good sleep."

But, then, reality crept in.

Fate being a bitch dragged me back to reality.

It has been a year since we gave up trying.

Everyday I keep asking myself what if I never get over you?

What if time doesn't heal this time?

It has been a year and talking to you yesterday felt like my wound I've been working to heal up just opened up again.

I tried to focus on someone else just to get you off my mind but that obviously didn’t do the trick.

It has been a year and damn I wanna let this all go.

I've accepted everything that happened but why does it feel like I'm still trapped?

Why do I feel like spiraling down every time you reach out?

I'm honestly just venting on this post and I have no idea how to end this post.

It's been a year and every day I keep praying, hoping, wishing that I'll get amnesia from all of this.

Everything just keeps on reminding me of you.

It feels like getting amnesia is the only way out of the misery of you.

Losing it over you

It's so unlike me to do but I’m losing it over you
∞
I’ve been such a flaker on updating my blog. I think ever since I got into a relationship, I got lazier and lazier to update this thing.

So, I’m back and y'all probably know why.
A year and a half but it felt way longer than that.
It was long distance.
He was thousands of miles away but he knew me better than anyone else.
We were a world away from each other but what we had felt more real than my past relationship.
How unfair is it for something this great to just end?
Not cause we don’t love each other anymore, not because we fought, not because we don't want each anymore.
But because fate is a bitch. The distance is a bitch. Being away from each other is a bitch.

I can't say we didn’t try cause we did. We tried so hard.
We tried to beat the odds but the odds weren't in our favor.
I thought getting cheated on was the worst thing in a relationship.
Turned out trying so hard to work things out then failing to work it out is the worst thing in a relationship.
I always say that the 'what ifs' will always haunt you.
Turned out no what ifs will haunt you more.

It has been more than 24 hours since we broke up.
This might be too soon to say but I know that is it.
Before we broke up, I felt that 'calm before the storm', so I can't say I didn’t see it coming.
It was like I know it was getting harder but I tried with every last of it.
A part of me didn’t want to but a part of me gave up with him.
Like he said, what we had was great but the relationship is just stuck.

I understand and I know it's just better to end it than prolong the agony even more.
It just makes me anxious whenever the thought of him forgetting about me enters my mind.
I want him to be happy even if it's not with me.
I want him to get everything he wanted.
I wish him well.

I wish it was that easy to forget all these and just move on.
I meant it when I said he's the last one.
Before him, I didn't even wanna get into a relationship anymore.
That is one of the reasons why I tried so hard to make it work. Despite the distance, despite the challenges.

Time to just work on myself again.
One day, I’ll wake up and I will feel better again instead of this heavy heart and getting the urge to cry my eyes out.
One day, I'll be able to get through the day without wondering how he is.
One day, his name won't make my heart ache.
One day. One day.
∞
Even when we try to forget, love will remember

Who would've thought I'd get you

I was never the kind of girl who likes receiving a bouquet of flowers, especially roses.
I think they're overrated and I'm not saying this to make me look cool.
I think buying flowers is a waste of money. They're expensive af. lol
But being in that moment, receiving a bouquet from someone you love and care for... it's a feeling I can't put into words. (But I'm talkative, so, of course, I'll try haha)

It was so unexpected.
It was a Tuesday.
Andy and I were FaceTiming before I went to bed around 8 in the morning.
I woke up around 2 in the afternoon because the dogs were barking and my phone kept on ringing.
I even thought it was the stuff I bought online last Monday & I was thinking how fast it got shipped. Lol
I was so sleepy that I wanted to just sleep and not mind them but the dogs were freaking noisy.
Soooo.. I went down and when I opened the door, I saw a delivery guy holding a bouquet of flowers and I was about to get pissed cause I thought they got the wrong address but they said it was for me.
I was half-asleep signing a paper with my name on it, receiving the bouquet of roses.
I asked the delivery guy who is it from and he just told me that there's a card.

He didn't even write a name!!

When I opened the card, it didn't even have a name on it.
I called Andy on FaceTime and immediately asked: "WHAT DID YOU DO?"
I gotta give props to his acting skills cause he really looked like he didn't know what I was talking about until he laughed cause I was going crazy thinking who could possibly send me flowers.

It was so sweet because there wasn't a special occasion.
I appreciate it so much, not because of the flowers, because the gesture made me feel so special.

I guess I can now understand the girls who post bouquets on social media.
And, of course, I'm so extra that I needed to take a picture with it. LOL

Just in case Andy's reading this...
Hi babe, I love you. Stop stalking

Love finds you

I pray to God that I don't jinx this.
I've been holding myself back to blog or post anything about this guy 'cause I'm too scared to jinx it.
In the past, whenever I feel happy with someone or like something is kinda going good, I somehow jinx after I post or write or talk about it.
He isn't a secret at all. I talk about him with my close friends and my sister. My mom knows about him.
I just don't blog about him or post much on social media.

It has been half a year now.
We've been together for 6 freaking months.
Can you believe that? Yeah, me neither.
It has been a rocky start for us. Ya know, the basic. Exes, past stuff, adjustments and all that but we made it through all that.
It just went by so fast. It doesn't feel like 6 months at all.
I guess, this is what genuine & lasting happiness feels like.
What they always say, "Time flies so fast when you're having fun" & hell that's so true.

I know this sounds so cliche but, trust me, I mean it when I say Andy is the best boyfriend ever.
He can tell how I'm feeling the moment I answer the phone and say "hello".
He can tell if I'm thinking bout something even if he can't see or even if I'm not talking.
He understands how I feel and why I feel that way.
He makes me feel special by appreciating even the little things I do or say.
He's not afraid to talk about the hard topics.
He supports me with everything I do and want.
He believes in me.
He doesn't hesitate to tell me when I'm doing something off or wrong.
He just sees through me.
He treats me so well.
I'm so comfortable with him and it's so crazy.
I don't even know why I'm listing everything but I can go on about everything all day.
I guess I am new to this stuff. The stuff on how a real relationship should be.
Cause if you know me or read my blog, you'll know that my past relationship was crap and toxic af.
I think I have deleted some posts and it made me cringe. I can't believe I let someone treat me that way for so long.
But, in a way, I'm still thankful... cause maybe this is God's reward for me.
And damn, I'm so thankful.

I am happy... that joy in my heart, the butterflies I feel in my stomach, the contentment, that peaceful feeling that everything's gonna be okay.

So, Andy, if you're reading this... well, damn, stalker much? JK! I love you, baby. Forever and always. We gooooooooood lol ♡