2014 mandatory blog post

Wow. 10 days left for this year.
Oh, how time flies so fast.
I had an awesome year. This year was a life changing year for me.
I had a lot of down moments but it was all worth it.
I learned & realized things I never knew I would. I guess that's one of the perks of getting older.

2014 highlights (or things I can remember that happened this year):

• I GOT PROMOTED. This was the best highlight of my year. Well, for my career. Career milestone. I was not expecting but I was really hoping for it. So happy that everything I worked for paid off. I was a back end java developer for the deals website for a retail company. It was hard because I was the only offshore back end developer. I got trained for hybris. Got pulled out to that project to work on a company prototype that uses hybris, the one that will be demoed to clients. Then after that worked on a pioneer project for an airline that has a golf club perk, which is now live. Check it out! Currently working for a Spanish retail company's admin page, which is a pioneer also. It was a nice start for my career. Thank you, Lord.
• Stepped out of my comfort zone. Letting go of someone or something will always be the hardest thing to do for an overly and easily attached girl like me. I tend to be over caring to my friends. I call it caring but you can classify it as clingy too. Yes, you can say that I have attachment issues. I trust people so easy. But for this year, I tried my best to overcome that shit. And as of today, I guess I managed to do it. I am still clingy.. but only to the people I trust and care for who cling to me in return. Ehem best friends. <3
• Broke up with Edz. I can also put this to the "Stepped out of my comfort zone" bullet but I just wanted to separate it because it is another "highlight" of my year. Being with Edz was like a break from reality. He was like my temporary amnesia pill. Temporary. Because as soon as it wears off, reality slaps me like a bitch. Twice. I see that life is not that simple. It is complicated. And every choice you make will have a big impact to your future. I tried to ignore the facts and my realizations several times. But how can I stay with someone I can't see the future I want with? I can't just stay because it was safe. Safe that I won't grow old alone. But I realized that I don't want to grow old like that. Almost 6 years with him was like a rollercoaster ride. Mostly down but I don't regret anything. He will always have that special place in my heart. My first serious relationship and hopefully, not the last.
• Quality > Quantity. This one is very self-explanatory. I always knew that having less true friends is greater than having a lot of fake friends. I always regret losing friends or people I care about. But this year, I finally learned to apply it to my life. It was hard. Cutting off people I care, or cared, about... Cutting off people is much easier than to care for them, knowing that they continuously stab me in the back. Life is too short to have friends who talk behind your back. Life is too short for fake friends.
• I learned to be independent. Like doing things alone and not thinking of what people will think of you. This year, I managed to eat in diners alone, going to the cinemas to watch movies alone, shopping alone, getting coffee alone... there were lots of things I did alone. Since I am single, I took advantage of that idea. I felt lonely a lot of times but it was peaceful lonely.
• Spoiled my sister and my momma. Sharing my blessings with my family will never be a problem for me.
• Guilty pleasures a.k.a luho. I don't really feel guilty spoiling myself with the money or goods I worked for. So. Yeah.
• Braces. I got braces again. Heeeh and I'll be having my hair permed in a couple of days. So, hello new me for 2015 hahahaha

That is all I can think of right now and I'm pretty sure I'll be lazy to even continue this.

But all in all, I am so happy, blessed and thankful for this year. It was a life changing experience.

Don't even know what to expect for 2015 because this year was so great.

Hoping for the best but expecting the worst, indeed.

No more U-turns

As of this writing, I am almost 2 months single.

Getting out of an almost 6 years old relationship is a struggle.
Memories, promises, and the plans you both made together are your worst enemies.
I can't say that I've fully moved on or that I no longer cry when I remember the things we used to do, or I don't get teary eyed anymore when I listen to a song that reminds me of him... because, to be honest, I still do.
In a scale of 1 to 100 percent, I can say that I am 60% over it.
Well, not that over it.. like, I have moved on even just a bit.
You must think that it's a big number to be in this early.. but for me, it's not. It's just about right and about time.

I have learned a lot from this break-up.
I learned that I deserve better.
I learned that no one can effectively help you but yourself.
Yeah, friends are there to remind you things that matter and comfort you when you are at your lowest point but it will always come back to you.
You hold the wheel. It's your choice if you're going to move or going to hit the brakes or take the U-Turn.
Right now, I can feel myself moving. Moving slowly but surely.

Some of you may think that I am only saying crap because I am having a "spur of the moment" kind of thing.. but naaaah. With or without... Let's call him Alex... With or without this Alex, this will remain my point of view. Besides, there is nothing going on with me and Alex. He lives miles away from me. My friends know me too well to know that long distance relationships were and still, aren't my thing.

One of the reasons I got out of my recent relationship is that there are so many things I wanted to do. For my career, for my family, and for myself.
The relationship felt like it was holding me back and relationships shouldn't make you feel that way. It should motivate you and inspire you to aim for more.

I guess, getting older is rubbing on me. Finally knocking some sense out of me.
I may be the same old Erisse who gets confused by the and appreciates the little things but I know that I am slowly getting better and knowing what's best for me.
Like closing chapters, getting over my attachment issues... Step by step and making progress. *hugs myself* :)

Short and random

What's worse than a getting a heartache is creating your own heartache.
It's that feeling of knowing that it can end anytime or that it just can stop one day without any warning at all.
You don't even know what to do, or what to say, or how to deal with it.
No matter how much you try to stop, you always end up going.
You always end up saying, "I'm waaaaaaaaay in too deep, man"
Sounds like the same old Erisse I thought I left behind.
The difference is I can't even blog about this new chapter because I'm too scared to even open myself to that chapter of my life.
I should maybe give it more time, and if this lasts, then I'll blog about it next month.

Hoping for the best, expecting the worst.

TURN UP

You know you had a good night when you can't even remember half of it.

It has been a week but I still can't remember anything from last Saturday.

Last Saturday, I didn't go home to Olongapo because I had a mini reunion with my girls and then a night out my boys.

(From L-R; Kelly, Jazmine, Me, Lala)

The picture above is with my girls minus Frances. We had dinner at Max's.
We talked about what's going on with our lives. It was nice being with them again. No dull moments, just pure fun. 

Then after that, I went home to change and rest a little.
Around 10 PM, I went to Greenbelt to meet up with Charles and Darwin.
Carl fetched us then we drove to Sinangag Express because they were hungry.
After dinner, we went to Black Market. It's always jam-packed on a Saturday Night.
It was so fun! The crowd was sick and the DJ didn't disappoint.
The pictures below were taken when I was still sober.

Ah these two boys. Been there for me since 1st year college :)

After that, I don't know what happened anymore.

The picture below was the most decent drunk picture I had that night.

I won't be posting the other pictures because... well, let's just say I went waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay past my limit. I woke up with gashes on my knees and elbows, small cuts, and bruises on my arms. SO, YES. YOU GET THE PICTURE. I WAS DRUNK AS FUCK.

I seriously don't remember how I got home. I don't even remember that we went to The Fort and that they bought me coffee. I was so embarrassing.. but sooooo blessed that I have these three boys who took care of me but, also didn't forget to take pictures while I was drunk and lying on the floor.

I owe you guys my life! Thanks for taking care of me and reminding me everything I did that night... I love you three!! HAHAHAHA

To sum it all up I got drunk as fuck. I got gashes, cuts & bruises. I kissed someone that I can't even remember but I know he was cute. I threw up everywhere. I literally can't remember 3/4 of what happened that night but still.. that was one of the best nights of my life. One for the books, INDEED!

I have died everyday waiting for you

Was it real or was it fake?
Was it all a mistake?
Boy, I just gonna know was it all in my head?
Did you ever feel the same?
Was my mind just playing games?
Was it real or was it all in my head?

For the past couple of months, I've closed two doors that were way long overdue to be closed.
I am slowly but surely getting over my attachment issues and I'm pPretty glad that I am making progress.

So now, closing this chapter... I don't even know where to start.
Of all the doors I have to close, this one will always be the hardest one.
Probably the most difficult chapter to end because I am still not ready to accept it even if it's all a cycle now. Me running back to him for the nth time. Me crying over him for the nth time. Me being confused for the nth time.

It was always you.
As I've said before, I don't think that I can be just friends with you and I don't even know why.
I was never his first choice or I probably didn't even made the cut to be a choice.
It was like "I might not be the one you want but I’ll still meet you halfway" and besides, we both know that I've never been the type of girl who can sweep some guy off his feet anyway.
I lacked self-confidence.
I don't even know if what we had was real or was I just too delusional to assume that we had something or anything at all.
Maybe I just over analyzed everything? Or I read between the lines too much?
Maybe.. Maybe not... We’ll never know. I’ll never know. 

So, this is me.
Letting go of all the possibilities.
Turning off all the feelings... Intimate, romantic, emotional.
Whatever feeling that is not friendship. Closing all the doors.

Look at the bright side, Erisse.
No break ups.
Not another “Alexon”.
No more risks.
No more heartaches.
No more what ifs.
No more confusion.
Just friends. 
Just the way it should be from the very start.
It hurts to end this chapter of my life, my heart even aches to say that he can never like or even love a girl like me.
So yeah, closing this chapter now.

Curtains closed

It has been almost a month of being single. I just feel lonely sometimes.
That's one of the reasons why, for the past weeks, I'm surrounding myself with my family, friends, and work but, of course, when you're alone... late at night... the loneliness will always come.
You won't even have a choice to just think of him.

I know, I know, I called the shots. I was the one who chose this. It's my fault.
Some people will say I don't have the right to feel sad or be hurt because I was the one who caused this.. that I did this to myself.

Well, technically, they are right. I did choose to end something I'm not sure of.
Something that didn't feel right anymore. Something I can't see the future with anymore.
Something that no matter how we tried, it was just not working anymore.
He may not see it now but, I know, someday, he'll realize everything I want him to realize when I ended it.

I loved him... so much. I still do but in a different way now.
Yes, I ended it but that doesn't mean I didn't get hurt, that I didn't feel pain.. because I did.
I still feel the pain, I can still feel that something is missing, that I'm somehow incomplete.. especially now that I know he is happy with someone else. Well, that sounded selfish.

I am just happy he's happy. I'm happy that he's no longer feeling all this pain.
I'm happy that he no longer have to cry himself to sleep or that he doesn't feel all teary-eyed every time he listens to a song that reminded him of me or that he doesn't feel lonely at night anymore because he misses me cuddling with him.
I'm glad that he already found someone who'll appreciate every little thing he does and have.

I know, I'm just being dramatic because I am still holding on to the idea of us and that I'm just feeling lonely.
I'm still making adjustments. After all, that was 6 years of my life.

Sparks died. Fell out of love. It's just not working anymore.

Yet

Late night realizations always get the best of me.
Having the highs and lows, pros and cons of being single.

On my previous post, I talked about a certain someone.
Earlier, I realized that I closed the door with my ex because I want to break a cycle but here I am again trapped in another cycle.

I don't even know why or how but like I said, he will always have that special place in my heart and I know, my boy friends won't argue with me with this one.
They know why. They were with us. They know everything.
I really used to think he was the one for me.
He used to be my eye opener to the real world.
I wanted him to be the one for me. If only it works that way huh? It would be easy as pie but nope, fate is the boss here.

I can still remember everything he said to me.
The endless text messages answering all of my whys.
The promises he made to make my doubts disappear.
He even told me his own what ifs.
We both got realizations that all ended with "Bahala na".

I kept telling myself that maybe that was not the right time for us and clearly, now is not the right time either but.. how long? How long should I wait for the right time?
Then I realized, I should stop waiting for that.
I should stop thinking you are the one for me.
I should stop waiting for fate to give us a chance.
I should just be happy for you.
I should just keep all these remaining feelings I have for you because maybe this is fate telling us that it already gave us the chance but we didn't see it and we ended up wasting it.

No, I'm not closing this chapter yet.
As much as I want to, I just can't... for now.

Closing a chapter for me is forgetting everything.
The pain, the mistakes, and even the happiness.

It's like reformatting that side of my brain and heart and installing friendship.. because all I can offer after closing that chapter is friendship. And I know, I can never be just friends with you...

I know. I know. I know. I have to. I have to accept it sometime soon.

Why do you make it so hard? You are the most confusing thing in my life but I don't want you to go away.

Right now, I miss everything about you. I can't believe I still want you after everything we've been through.

Not yet

But if I could change your mind, how would you want me?

Would you say you need me coz I need you now... If I could change your mind

I don't know if I'm ready to close this chapter in my life.. but, I guess, I just have to blog this.

Have you ever had that feeling when you feel so attached to a certain person?

That no matter what you do, he will always be one of your weaknesses.

No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want to detach yourself or hate that person for everything he did to you, you just can't.

They said when a girl and a boy used to have mutual feelings for each other, they can never be friends again after that.
So imagine how am I feeling right now? Lol. The struggle is real.
It's like pretending everything didn't happen.
Pretending that it's okay to see him with one of your best friends.
Pretending that you're so happy for them.
Pretending you are okay.
Pretending that your heart doesn't ache.

I know, it is better this way.
I couldn't afford to lose another friend.. to take a risk and cross that friendship line again even if I know it's different with him.

Oh, how I hate getting trapped in the past. And I guess I'm not yet ready to close this chapter

Always and forever x

I've been closing chapters lately... And you know what, after I wrote that blog post (the one below this), I really moved on. Well, not totally moved on moved on. But I really don't care anymore. Maybe because I already said everything I wanna say. Almost.. but that will all do.

So back to closing chapters in my life...

I have decided to close the chapter I have with Edz. Well, about to.

I'm not good with goodbyes, I tend to push people away instead of saying goodbye for the last time.

For a person who has attachment issues like me, letting go of someone or something is the hardest thing to do.

And letting go of an almost 6 years old relationship... you must think I'm crazy right?

But hear me out.

6 looooooong years with Edz was like a roller coaster ride.

We had a fair share of break ups, cool off or whatever you want to call it.

He was the one who saw me when I was invisible.

He was the one who dragged me out of my delusional world for Jestin Yao.

He was the one who made me feel that I deserved to be loved.

I know, you're thinking how crazy I am now but the time will come when you will just get tired with all of it.

It just feels like we're not growing anymore and I am craving to grow more. You know what I mean?

Sometimes you just have to set aside all of the good things or happy memories or promises you both made and evaluate if that is what you really want for the rest of your life because let's face it, it's not always flowers and butterflies. You can't just hold on because of the memories.

It may look like a shitty relationship to others but, for me, it was a blissful roller coaster ride that I will never forget.

He will always have that special place in my heart. No matter what.

I know he'll hate me or he hates me already because of this.. for weeks, months or even years but we started as friends and I know, someday, we'll look at this the same way.

Di naman lahat ng breakups ay third party ang dahilan eh.

And I never thought that night, this night, was the last night I'll get a chance to hold this hand.
Just know that I tried. And tried. And tried.
But.. I don't want to be selfish.
I know. Someday, you can get all everything you gave me back so you can give it to someone worth it all.
I may regret this someday but I'll try not to.
You're one of the most wonderful things that happened to me.
I will always love you. Always and forever

That is not love, A.

"What drew them together was the excitement of getting caught. That's not love"

That quote was from the last book I read, The break-up artist.
It was a good book. An eye opener, indeed.

This reminded me of what we had.

It's pretty stupid to post this next to my heartfelt post dedicated to you.

Before reading this book, the idea of us reminded me of how fate fucked us up.

But after reading this, it made me realize that we were never meant for each other.
That fate was doing us a favor.

You and I were just lonely, needy and selfish.

She wasn't there for you, Mine was so far away.

And instead of fixing what I have, you were there to convince me that you can fulfill the things he lacks.

The quote from this book perfectly describes what we had.

We were just excited of getting caught. And when we got caught, the fire died.

I am pretty proud of myself. Wanna know why?

Because if it wasn't for you, I won't experience being alone.

Alone because I broke it off with mine and you left with her.

Being without someone to take care of me.

Being independent, emotionally and physically.

All of these taught me a lesson and I, indeed, learned a lot from it.

I can now watch a movie alone without feeling lonely.

I can now go to places alone unlike before that I need someone to go with me because the idea of being alone in a mall or wherever makes me feel like a lost child.

I am happier now because I don't need someone to make me happy.

I wish you learned all of these too.. but I know you didn't. Because she gave you another chance just like that. Without giving you a chance to evaluate yourself. And that is sad.

Another used to be

I don't know when, where and how it all started...
I just know it was something real, unexpected and deep.

We used to be friends.
He used to be there whenever I needed someone.
Someone to talk about random shit in life.
Someone to guide me wherever I wanna go.
Someone to listen.
Someone to give me pieces of advice without sugar coating it.

He used to be my wonderwall.. used to be.

I have never been the kind of person who takes risks.
I'm not fond of stepping out of my comfort zone.
I want something safe, something sure, something that won't leave me broken, regretful or with nothing.

Play safe? I guess you can call it that but I did take the risk. The risk is him.

I took the risk of letting him pull me to cross the friendship line and try to see what is beyond that. And yes, I regret it.

I regret letting him and I regret giving in.
I regret believing him that everything will be better in the end.

We came to the point where we can't let a day pass without talking to each other.

At that point, I thought we were just friends who long for a friend's company because we just graduated and got our first job. Adjustments and all that.

Everything seemed so innocent.
Just friends. No attachments. No other shit that can mess everything up.

And then, we started seeing each other more often.
From fetching me from work and going out for dinner to sleepovers.
We even often ask our friends out on weekends so we can also go out.
Nonstop texts, calls and even video calls to update each other or to just talk.

It didn't surprise me when our friends started to noticed that we were getting pretty close again because this has happened back in college.

On my side of the story, I did fall for him again but, this time, I fell harder.
So hard that you can feel you're being desperate but you still remain subtle cause you didn't want him to notice and think you're stupid.

This wasn't like what we had when we were in college, junior year to be exact.
Back then, seeing each other was so easy because we have classes together. We have all classes together.
Now, the effort of seeing each other was undeniable.
With our work, it was even harder because we have different work shifts.

But then again, this was only on my side of the story but it feels so good to have that gut feeling that he felt the same.. because how can you fall for someone if it isn't mutual right? Or if that someone is not making you feel special right?

Because he did. He made me feel special with the simple little things.

Like fetching me from work. He will travel all the way from Eastwood to Mckinley so that I won't go home alone because it was late.

Or like asking me if I ate already and getting mad if I haven't.

Or reminding me to take my meds when I was sick.

Or asking me simple things like if he can put his food for dinner in the refrigerator.

Or that "office na ko" message every time he arrives at the office.

Or the consistent good morning and good night text messages.

Or checking if I got home safe, especially when I rode a cab by myself.

Or calling whenever I don't respond to his text messages right away.

Or secretly holding my hand when we're out with friends.

Or the random hugs whenever he gets the chance.

Or the stolen kisses.

Or that one time, he was holding my hand then he saw the "E <3 G" written in my hand by my office mate who I had a crush on, he suddenly let go of my hand and slightly moved away from me because he was pissed or jealous.

Or cuddling before we sleep.

I can go all day recalling everything he did, we did. It was all like a movie.

It all felt so perfect as if we were living in a perfect world and in that perfect world, we were meant to be.

But, of course, this is not a perfect world.. and we weren't meant for each other. (Well, at least, for now, I can say that.)

And in this world, when you cross the friendship line, you can never go back.. or maybe you can, but it will take a lot of time.. especially when there are other people involved.

He was in a relationship. I was in a relationship.
But not to each other.

The difference was I decided to call it quits with mine and broke it off.

He didn't. He didn't want to end his' but he didn't want me to entertain other guys either.
He gets mad whenever I tell him someone is being extra close with me.

I didn't say anything. I followed his rules. I tolerated everything.

That was my mistake.

I might say I regret everything but half of me disagrees.

Because half of me is telling me it all made me happy.

He fulfilled my boyfriend's short comings. Panget pakinggan pero totoo.

That's why I found it easy that time to take the risk in calling it quits with who I am with for him.

I know, I somehow made him happy because he was vocal about it.
He said things I never knew he could feel for me.
Things that made me feel so special.
Remembering it all still makes me smile and giggle.
It was a one happy and sweet love affair.

I may regret making those impulsive decisions. and I may regret being selfish and needy.

But I guess if it wasn't for those mistakes I will still be that needy and selfish girl I was back then.

As of today, I can say that I somehow grew from that phase in my life.
I admit that I turned into a crazy bitch when he left. Waaaaaay crazy.

I was hurt by everything.
The anger & pain clouded my mind & my heart. I didn't care at all. I felt so betrayed.

What hurts the most was he acted as if it was all my fault.

Now, I can say that I'm not that selfish, needy little girl who needs a guy to make her happy and feel complete anymore.

I accepted my mistakes and apologized for it but we all know that time heals all wounds.
We can't turn everything back to how it was.

We may not be like before but I am still hoping that one day we can all put this behind us.
Remembering everything we went through from being friends since freshman year in college.
It may not be easy right now but we'll get there.
Everything will be okay.
I still have faith in this friendship.

Fear

"Settle down with me. Cover me up. Cuddle me in. Lie down with me and hold me in your arms. And your heart against my chest. Lips pressed to my neck. I'm falling for your eyes but they don't know me yet. With the feeling I forget, I'm in love now."

Getting out of an almost five years relationship gave me the fear of loving again.
I don't even know why and how but maybe because I am afraid of being the one who is left behind.

It is still a mystery to me how a person thinks or feels when they already find the one.
How can they be so sure that that person is really the one?

For example, I know this guy who has a girlfriend.
They've been dating for 2 or 3 years before they broke up.
The guy obviously moved on because he got a girlfriend right away and got married after a year.

It made me wonder... how can he be so sure that the new girl was the one for him after a year of being together?
What did he see with the new girl that he didn't see with his long-term ex-girlfriend?

Every time I think about this I can't help but think about what's gonna happen to me?
What if I find someone new, how can I be so sure that he won't end up like the last one? *sigh*
The idea scares the hell out of me.
It's as if I don't even wanna try anymore.
I'll just grow old alone but at least I'm not broken.
.. and I don't know how to end this post anymore.

2/365

Just because I'm bored.

So today is the 2nd day of 2014. Last year, I spent this day with him. *sigh*

Anyway, one of the things I should do this year is to step out of my comfort zone. 

One of my comfort zones is my hair.

I think I have it styled like this for ages.

Layered. Bangs. Naturally brown.

I once colored it light brown but that's it.

My hair is naturally brown but I'm thinking of having it lighter for a change.

I want a haircut too but I'm too scared.

I also want to have it permed.

Aaaaaah!! I wish the hair wasn't everything. I wish I could cut it without regrets. Haha!

This is one hairy post. Sorry for the nonsense post... but whatever.

Start of something new

Hello, 2014!

New year's eve with the family will always be fun fun fun.
I can never imagine celebrating New Year's Eve without them.
As usual, tradition is a tradition. 
We eat 12 grapes, eat 11 pieces of grapes and save the 12th grape and eat it when the clock turns to 12 am. I think my grandmas said that it was for good health.
Then there's the traditional coins tossing all over the house. I think this is for wealth.
It was pure bliss.

2013 was a "rollercoaster ride" year for me.
Gained some and lost some friends.
Finished school.
Got a job.
Broke up with Edz. 
Lessons learned, thanks to Alexon.
Tough 2013 but it made me stronger.

And now, I am starting 2014 happy, single and hoping for the best.
Still young with too many goals to achieve. 
Plans to do.
A career to make.
His will be done. Indeed. :)

Happy 2014, my imaginary readers. Hope this year will be better for all of us.

Food!!!

What I got from the coins tossing

Family pic!

The great grandkids with Nanay Josie