swiftie heart crying

Always been a swiftie since i don't even know when.

First physical album I bought when I started working was 1989 lol pre-ordered it with my friend's sister

TSwift songs were always my go-to playlist during my younger years. I know. My past blog posts weren't that subtle lol

Red would be my all-time fave album. It just hits all the right spots all the time.

This week, Taylor released her version of RED cause fuck Scooter Braun lol

Everyone has been all over All Too Well (10 minute version) but I Almost Do will always be my number 1. Okay, All Too Well is 2nd lol.

I held off listening to the album and watching the ATW(10 minute version) music video for a day cause I wasn't emotionally ready for it.

Currently listening to the album and my emotions are all over the place lol

I honestly was holding back my tears while watching the music video.

Cliché but i do remember it all too well

I remember the nights I slept crying, with my heart aching af

I remember the days waiting by the phone, wishing he'll call or send a text just to check up on me

I remember questioning my worth just because a boy picked someone else over me

I remember settling for things I don't deserve just because I was scared of being alone

I remember making excuses for him to myself

I remember telling myself that it was the last time and it will never happen again.. but it did happen again.. over and over again

I remember being a mess when he left

I remember being so vulnerable, breaking down in front of him

I remember keeping all my thoughts and feelings to myself because I didn't want him to be mad at me

I remember blaming myself when he cheated on me

I remember waking up just to sleep again so I can shut off my emotions

There is still so much to say but I remember it all too well

Looking back at how I was still makes me emotional.

Emotional because I can't believe how I got all through that in one piece.

Emotional because I can't believe I let myself do that to myself.

Quite relieved cause I'm no longer that person.

I guess we really need to go through a phase to learn from it.

And I did learn a lot from every guy I had emotional attachment with.

To that popular guy that I was crushing on during sophomore year in HS aka my firsts, we all know our first love will always hold a special place in hell.. lol jk.. in our hearts. 

I'm pretty sure he was everyone's guy at some point cause that's how he was. lol I don't regret it. Summer 2007 will always be all about him.

To that long term relationship I had, I know we were both too young, co-dependent and scared to realize how unhealthy we were for each other. I could only wish it didn't cost us almost 6 years of our lives to realize that. It was emotionally draining tbh. I know we both got out of it with a handful of lessons we won't repeat on our next relationships. The bravest thing we ever did was when we decided to end us.

To that guy who loved playing mind games with me, I always knew we were wrong for each other. I knew he loved playing with me the moment he had the chance to pick me but never did. He just liked the thrill of it. He was just an old habit I had a hard time breaking. And boy, I was glad when I finally did got out of it. I knew we were never going to be and we will never work even if we try. I'm glad we stayed friends. I gained so much self worth the moment I got out of this cycle.

To that guy who I thought was the one that got away, I prolly shouldn't say anything more since he's legally married now. But I know we both know we were good for each other. We were always there for each other. We made each other so happy. It was surreal how we went from friends to as something much more. It used to hurt so much whenever I think of him cause I, not only lost someone special to me, but I lost a good friend too. I still smile whenever I remember how he would smile for me but I'm truly happy for him and the life he has made for himself.

To that guy who made me believe in relationships again, I can still remember how one of my friends would tease me cause I would always run away whenever it gets serious with someone I was talking to or going out with. I wasn't ready for any relationship back then but, somehow, when this guy asked me, I said yes. It didn't last long. The time I spent moving on from him was even longer than the time we were in a relationship. Looking back at the relationship we had, I guess I loved how he loved the idea of me. I loved how he boosted my confidence in everything I do. I loved how he loved me.

To that guy who I'm always going to be thankful for, I still don't regret everything that happened last year. We were both trying to fix each other's heart. I'd like to think we succeeded even if it ended with not being in each other's life. I knew it was impossible for me to be in his life when she started showing interest in him just because she heard him say he loves me. I won't deny it. I got mad. I was hurt but I understand. I understand because I know he deserves to be happy. He deserves to be loved. With everything he went through, he deserves that happily ever after. I am happy for him. I appreciate everything he has done to make me feel whole again. I will forever hold every advice he has given me.

These are the 6 guys that I can consider that made a difference in my life.

I think they were all a phase I needed to go through to learn what I have learned.

I will always remember it all too well

I guess I'll go through all of it again just to get to where I am right now.

I'll gladly go through all those lessons just to get to Tyler.

I guess I appreciate the peace of mind, the calmness, the security of this relationship with him more cause I've went through all those negative feelings that my past attachments gave me.

The calmness doesn't make me anxious anymore

Okay, again, I blame Red (Taylor's version) for this post.

I'll end this post here cause this got longer than expected lol

Random Sunday post

It's Sunday and I decided to go out to regain my sanity.

I’ve been longing to do what I enjoy doing before the pandemic.. just to have that feeling that I have my life back.

I really enjoy going out and doing stuff by myself. 

Pre-pandemic I would just go to the mall and watch a movie,

Or go walk around BGC,

Or go to a coffee shop and read a book.

So, today, I'm currently at Starbucks writing this blog post.

I was doing my worksheet earlier and almost screamed because they were playing 'ON' by BTS.

To be honest, I don't have anything to talk about.

Well... I started going to therapy.

Yesterday was my first session with my psychologist.

I haven’t told anyone about it.

It was okay. I've already booked my next session so we'll see.

I just figured it was time to talk to someone about how I'm feeling.

I used to – I still do – think it's just PMS but when most mornings feel so heavy... I think that’s when it's no longer normal.

It's all still confusing to me but, hopefully, it gets better soon and I get that sense of clarity.

Anyway, this year's almost ending again. I can't believe we're still wearing masks and face shields.

00:00

 

I was scrolling through my past tweets and I came across this tweet.

It has been exactly a year today when I tweeted this.

I can still remember those days. It felt like nothing was making sense.

My mental health was probably the worst last year.

It felt like I was fighting a different demon everyday.

When I tweeted this, I can still picture myself. In bed, dark circles around my eyes, waiting for someone to save me, didn't wanna do anything at all, probably skipped work since that was a Tuesday.

It felt like I was stuck and it wasn't gonna get better at all.

But it did.

Today, a year later from that tweet, I can say that I've been feeling better.

I still get "those" kind of days from time to time. I still get sad sometimes. I'm still human lol

Mostly when I'm about to get my period– it is the WORST when I'm about to get my period but it's okay. Woman probs lol

That self love ain't a joke, y’all. I realized that once you've lost it or forgot about it, you lose yourself with it.

You lose yourself in a sense where nothing interests you, you don’t look forward to anything, you settle for things that are less than you deserve, every little thing affects you, you worry about everything, you overthink about everything – there's just no peace of mind.

If you've read a couple of my posts over the years, I am big on self love.

Loving myself has saved me from unhealthy and/or unnecessary emotional investments.

Cliché but love really starts with yourself.

It helps having healthy relationships around you but you can't really control how others, so starting with yourself is just the best way to go. No one else can help you better than yourself.

That peace of mind is the key. Everything is useless without that peace of mind.

Don’t tolerate people who makes you second guess yourself.

Don’t settle for situations that compromise what you deserve.

Never feel guilty about putting yourself first. It is never selfish.

People will say whatever they want to say whether you do it or not, so might as well do what you want.

People will always have something to say. Period.

Disclaimer: What I'm bout to say is not me being a fangirl but just facts. lol

Getting into BTS really helped me love myself better.

I'm not saying that this is sole reason but they are a part of me loving myself better.

Learning from their experience, listening to their music and watching their shows helped me wanna do better for myself.

Some would say, "but their songs are in korean, you can't even understand korean" – ever heard of google translate or Papago? LOL

Watching their shows gives serotonin boost. Their experience is just inspiring. I can talk about this all day but I'm just gonna list 3 songs from my playlist that comforts me during the days I don't feel like loving myself.

"두 손 모아 기도하네

내일은 좀 더 웃기를 for me

좀 낫기를 for me

이 노래가 끝이 나면

새 노래가 시작되리

좀 더 행복하기를, yeah"

Eng trans: Put my hands together to pray. Hoping that tomorrow I'll laugh more, for me It'll be better, for me. When this song ends, may a new song begin. Hoping that I'll be a little happier, yeah

– Zero o'clock ~ basically, this song tells you that no matter what you're going through today, tomorrow is a fresh start and you'll be happy again.

"I'm the one I should love in this world
빛나는 나를 소중한 내 영혼을
이제야 깨달아, oh, so I love me
좀 부족해도 너무 아름다운 걸
I'm the one I should love"

Eng trans: I'm the one I should love in this world Shining me, precious soul of mine I finally realized so I love me Not so perfect but so beautiful I'm the one I should love

– Epiphany ~ this song tells how you should love yourself more than anyone in this world. Love yourself and your flaws. Loving yourself unconditionally.

"내가 나인 게 싫은 날
영영 사라지고 싶은 날
문을 하나 만들자 너의 맘 속에다
그 문을 열고 들어가면
이 곳이 기다릴 거야
믿어도 괜찮아 널 위로해줄
Magic Shop"

Eng trans: On days I hate being myself, days I want to disappear forever. Let's make a door in your heart. Open the door and this place will await. It's okay to believe, the Magic Shop will comfort you

– Magic Shop ~ this song was inspired with the book I recently read, "Into the Magic Shop" and I tell you, it was so gooood. The book teaches you to channel your fears to something positive. It tells you to love oneself and others.

These are just 3 of the songs that comfort me when I feel like doubting myself.

I know this has been a long post, I don't know why I love talking about loving yourself and all that.

I am not even halfway on unconditional self love. I still have a long way to go. I still have that "one of those days" moments.

Small progress is a progress.

And if you came across this post, I hope you find something or anything here that'll help you be a better you.

Feeling seasick, baby

We just got this new coffee machine and drank three cups of coffee today. lol

It's almost 3am and, as usual, I'm not sleeping so I figured I should make an effort to update my blog.

Just kidding. I’m just really good at productive procrastination. I should've been trying to finish my book or binge watching this show I said I would finish this weekend but here I am.

What’s up with me?

Last Wednesday marked my first year with 3M. I know. A year has passed since I started this new job and we're still in this pandemic shit. It feels like things aren’t even getting better. New variants, anti-vaxxers.. what's wrong with the world, momma?

Since there's still this pandemic shit, haven’t been really going anywhere. We go drive around sometimes to get coffee or quick froyo run to keep us sane but other than that, pretty much stuck at home.

Balls deep into fangirling over BTS. Keeps me sane, for real. It might sound cliche but their music comforts me, the members have a way of making you feel like you're not alone. Plus, I guess, we all just really need something to look forward to and they've been releasing new content.

Looking at the past year, it has really been difficult to keep ourselves sane. It has been hard getting that peace of mind and being happy. This pandemic really has taken its toll on everyone, I hope it ends soon.

Things with Ty are doing good. Steady. It sucks cause our plans have been pushed back due to the current situation but, yup, still hanging in there. Tbh I'm difficult but he knows how to cope with my mood swings and passive aggressiveness that I’m trying to overcome. He has been very patient with me. It really helps that he knows me so well and we've known each other since forever.

Honestly, I've been up and overthinking about everything before I started this blog post. I still have those kind of episodes where I just feel so sad about everything and I think about every little thing. It sucks. It sucks a lot. I hate feeling this way. I just tend to close off and push people away when I do. I don't really wanna talk to anyone when I'm in this kind of bubble. I don’t even know what triggers it, it just suddenly pours on me like cold water and I just feel irritated, sad or even paranoid about anything. I know I always get past this but it just sucks going through it.

Okay, but anyway–

I should probably try to read my book now.

I’m not even proofreading this blog post and just going to publish it cause I’m too lazy for that

Life goes on~

Whenever I tell myself that I will blog more often, I always end up disappearing after lol

It has been a while. I didn't even remember to blog during my birthday month.

Not blogging much means I've been doing good.

We all know I only blog when I'm sad or when I wanna share my travel escapades.

Still trapped in this pandemic shit, so obviously, not traveling.

I have my monthly subscription of breaking down c/o PMS but other than that, I’m all good.

Peace of mind is highly addictive.

I love how I'm sticking to this year's resolution.

To always choosing to be happy and loving myself more. So far, so good.

Ty and I are almost on our 8th month.

I would say we are doing better.

This relationship has taught me more about myself and how my past relationships have affected me so much. It helps how Tyler has been so understanding and patient with me. He would always remind me that I should speak what’s on my mind instead of overthinking it and you know what? I still have a hard time doing that but when I do speak my mind, I realize how stupid it was to keep thinking about it and assuming the worst from it. Old habits die hard but I'm trying. Taking it one day at a time.

Time flew by so fast. I just wish this covid shit would die down already. It has taken a lot from people. Time, opportunities, dreams and even loved ones.

I haven’t gotten my vaccine yet but, hopefully, I’ll be able to be fully vaccinated before this year ends.

3rd world country probs lol

I know it's 2 months overdue but I want to post a few bday pics here just because I didn't get to travel or do anything new or anything at all but it was one of the best birthdays ever.
I felt so loved and special because my friends sent me cakes and took the time to greet me.
I’m very sentimental so even the littlest effort makes my heart flutter.

I got cakes from Charles, Erin, Ilaine&Onat, Dice, Jyl and Nian.

Katrina also sent pizza and chicken and Kate sent me some heavenly brownies.

Johnaley and Joey got me earrings.

Always thankful.

This was from Dice, Jyl & Nian

Cake from Charles

Cake from Ilaine and Onat

Cake from Erin

I don't wanna jinx it but, despite the pandemic, this year has been such a good year so far.

Manifesting the shit out of things that it's starting to frustrate me lol

Work has been good too. Can't believe it has almost been a year since I left acn. Never regretted it tho lol

I love the work life balance and the work environment that I have now.

I've been fangirling so hard for BTS. I can't even... I won't even start talking bout it cause I might not stop lol

Besides the good music and them being incredibly good looking and talented and funny, their content just gives that healing vibe. What they advocate for is just inspiring. Each member has that personality where you can relate with and learn from.

Okay, imma stop talking bout it but, in a way, this takes up a part of my daily life and I don't regret every second of it. No room to overthink or be sad for nothing.

But! Anyway, that’s about it with my life update tbh.

Haven’t been anywhere, haven’t been doing anything much.

Life has been put on hold. Can't do anything else about it.

I should really try to write more. I miss writing stuff I'm passionate about or just random shit I can come up with lol

And with that, I'll end this post,

Always choose to be happy y’all.

i know, you know, we know

I know, you know, we know

You weren’t down for forever and it's fine

I know, you know, we know

We weren’t meant for each other and it's fine

I tried to look for a blog post where I'm officially saying goodbye to you (cause I usually do that "closing the door" blog post) but I couldn’t find it.

So here it goes.

It has been over a year since we opened our damaged hearts to each other.

I still can’t believe we would be something like that.

Whatever it was.

We both laid out our cards on the table, whatever was left of it, and still found each other beautiful.

I'd like to think we helped each other heal.

I remember telling you how my heart wasn't just broken, it's shattered.

And you told me, with a positive tone, that you'll pick up my shattered pieces and put your broken pieces with them and make it whole.

It was comforting. It was a nice feeling knowing there's someone to walk with in that journey.

It's sad that we promised to be in each other's lives no matter what happens but obviously we aren’t anymore.

But I am still happy on how things have worked out.

I would like to think I wouldn't be as I am without a nudge or two from you.

From checking up on me and making sure I’m okay to tending to my needs.

From listening to my rants to dealing with my mood swings.

I'm always going to be thankful for you.

It's been a year now, I think I’ve figured out how, how to let you go and let the communication die out

It's been a year now, I think I've figured how, how to think about you without it ripping my heart out

I wouldn’t be in the place I am today without the lessons we both realized and learned.

I'm happy, my heart and mind are both at peace.

I hope you are too.

We both deserve that. We both deserve the best.

We both deserve the love that stays.

We went through all that and even God knows that we truly do.

I honestly don't know how to end this post and I don’t have anything more to say.

So I'm just gonna leave it at this.

I hope we won't need to fix each other in another life.

I asked you countless times to say bye but you never did.

So I'm gonna say it.

Good bye, Johnny.

This other side of paradise

2021. Wow. We've come this far.

Despite what's going on with the world, I'm still looking forward for this year.

I am claiming it. I am fully manifesting everything I have planned this year.

I am claiming it. It will happen. It is happening.

Halfway through this month and I can say that it has been nice.

Heart, ok. Happy. At peace.

Mental Health, there are still sad days for no or random reason but still ok.

Body, haven’t had soda since the year started. Less sugar intake.

I suck at blogging when I'm happy but I'm trying to make it a habit to do it or even write about it.

I figured it sucks I only write when I’m sad, that’s why I only remember detailed sadness and just like high level feeling of happiness.

Gotta work on saying what's on my mind and how I’m feeling regardless if I’m happy or sad.

And by that, I just wanna say it and make it official on my blog that... I am in a relationship.

To be honest, I didn't wanna say that out loud or like say it to other people just because y’all know I've been there, done that. I don't wanna assume shit lol I know talking and being in a relationship are two different things but yes, we've defined it. Let me just say I still get butterflies when he tells other people we are dating now and when he tells me he loves me. Eeeeh ok imma stop :">

I swear my past relationships or whateverships ruined me so much. I get so happy with the littlest things lol

But, yeah, we are dating ♡

This is not news to my close friends cause I've told them during our get togethers over the holidays.

I am happy. Overwhelming kind of happiness that just brings happy tears to my eyes.

It's also heartwarming hearing my friends tell me how they’re happy for me and how I deserve this kind of love and happiness.

They know what I've been through. They witnessed how broken I was. I can feel how genuine their happiness is for me.

My traumatized ass is still trynna adjust over how mature and healthy this relationship is but we'll get there. We always do.

My past relationships made me think that saying what I feel or what I’m thinking would always result to arguments and I will be apologizing for it in the end. It is so hard being used to just keeping it all to myself.

My past relationships gave me trust issues so high that made me think if we don't talk on the phone for at least 20 hours a day, he's probably tired of me or doesn't want me that much anymore or cheating on me lol

My past relationships taught me that fighting everyday or at least most of the week is normal.

Bless Tyler's heart because that man has been patient af with me.

Tinotopak ako as always but he manages my toyo all the time. lol

I would say something and would assume a fight out of it but he will be all understanding. Ugh. lol

My doubting ass would always be doubting lol but he manages to reassure me in his own ways.

I can talk about it all day but let's just leave it at that.

It helps that we are friends for so long before we even got into this.

We've known each other better. We get along so well.

We got into a lot of mess before. We even resisted a lot of times.

All those years, we just remained friends. Being there for each other's heartbreaks.

But, maybe like he said, maybe this is fate at play.

I guess it's just right timing.

I am claiming it.

This peace of mind and happy heart, I’ve longed for this.

I deserve this. He deserves this. We deserve this.

No more doubting, no more negative thoughts.

Not gonna miss ya, 2020

12/31/2020

It's that time of the year again.
Ending it again with a post reflecting on everything that happened this year.
To be honest, this year literally felt longer that any other year.
Spent most of it at home, working from home, getting drunk alone at home lol
Despite everything I feel like this year made me find myself again.
The quarantine has taken its toll to everyone’s mental health but, hey, I’m just glad we all made it through.

I wanna do the same thing I did last year by posting pics for each month but if I do that, all I’ll be posting is pictures of me at home so where’s the fun in that? lol
Let’s just do this in bullet style and get it over with!

January

Awts, Mau and I at Kelly and Kevin's wedding

Had to hike for 2-3hrs reach Blue Soil Hills

Sagada with work friends

This selfie was taken after 3 consecutive days of solo drinking and sulking then Johnny and I started talking and I felt this good so I had to take selfies lol

• Isabel, Carl and I went out for dinner and drinks at Timog

February

Weekend beach trip with these two <3

Samgyup dinner with Jyl and Daisu & yes, I dyed my hair back to black

March

• Corona decided to be a huge bitch. This month is the start of lockdown.
• Didn't really do anything much, just stayed at home and worked.
• Johnny's birth month. He was so happy with the blanket I got him.

April

• Still on lockdown
• Occasionally went at my grandma's to have lunch with family

May

Birthday 2020. Yes, this was from my film camera. Boodle fight lunch with family.

• Johnny told me he loves me on my birthday
• Still on lockdown

June-July

Sums up my mood for June and July lol

• Was still on lockdown
• Decided to submit my resignation by end of July

August

Finally got to see Johnaley after months

Virtual catch up with Daisu, Jyl and Nianth

Got some stuff from 3M and my work laptop yay

• For some reason, this month I decided to talk to Johnny less.
• Decided to get a new car.

September

Bangs with Tita Maan and Erin

• First month with the new company. It was refreshing. Work life balance is real lol

October

New kitty alert!! Eevee

Also, got new specs from Sunnies. And I feel like my hair grew longer

November

Tito Famz bday celeb

Di kami kumpleto but reunion with friends cause Anthony is back!

• This month I realized I started enjoying fridays and holidays again
• Can't explain further cause I don't wanna jinx it but Tyler and I are doing good <3

December

Wasn't expecting this at all. Given that I've been with 3M for 3 months and getting this. I feel so appreciated. Definitely one of the highlights of this year.

Nanay Josie turned 94

Eevee growing huhu

Decided to get bangs for a change lol

• Decided to fully cut off Andy, Johnny and everyone connected to them. Realized that Johnny wasn't really worth it after all. Still thankful for him but ya know.. it was just not worth it after all.

Overall, still thankful for this year. Thankful that me and my family are safe. This year really made a lot of us appreciate time with our families more. This pandemic needs to be over! I hope as this year ends, it takes Rona with it lol

~ I didn't get to travel this year as planned because obviously travel ban, lockdown and everything. Prolly one of the reasons I went crazy.

~ I didn't expect this year would be the year I leave Acn but still not regretting it. It just felt like it was the right time to leave. My former manager has been asking me to come back but, so far, I’m enjoying my new company. Everyone is just so welcoming and I’m enjoying the new working environment. Can't wait to meet everyone in person.

~ New Year 2020, I told myself I wouldn’t be sad over Andy anymore. I don't wanna be sad on new year because of him anymore cause I've been sad for the past couple new years because of him. As I’m writing this post, it's new year's eve and I can say that I'm not sad over Andy anymore or even Johnny. I’ll take that as a win.

~ So, how am I feeling? I'm feeling good. My heart is happy. Tinotopak ako from time to time but it is such an amazing feeling when you choose happiness and peace of mind over anything. Finding myself, knowing my worth, regaining that self love.... aaaaah it makes all the heartaches, tears and everything in between worth it.

I am hopeful and looking forward to a great 2021.

Claiming everything already. Manifesting it everyday.

Happy new year everyone!

I'm drama-free

It's sad cause I thought we would always be in each other's lives as friends.

We've helped each other get through our dark days this year. He's thankful for me, I’m thankful for him.

It is sadder how that has to change just because some person's insecurity decides to make shit up.

Some people really crave for that drama in their life.

I don’t know why. Maybe it's for the thrill.

Probably it's to conceal reality.

I don't know.

I just know it's wack how she decided to step up her game with him when she knew he was moving on and we were talking. lol

I don't blame him if he sticks with her though.

Even when he knows she’s shady as fuck and lies all the time lol. Everybody knows she's shady.

I know he loves her, he has loved her for all these years. I can't blame him for doing everything to keep her now.

I just hope she stops with her lies. I just hope she gives him what he deserves.

But it's whatever.

I cared for him. I guess I somewhat still do but it's not the same anymore.

I don't even want him in my life at all.

I feel like I still care for him because I know how it feels like to be in his shoes where I would do anything to keep someone even if that person is toxic as fuck.

Those kind of feelings can blind the shit out of you.

I'm glad I’m now out of that situation.

I hate how the idea of that person made me stupid lol

I'm drama-free

I'm just happy as it is

You know when I used to say that someday I would wake up and I won't think about that person no more? Yup, that someday happened.

I've been waking up feeling lighter and better and it's just a wonderful feeling.

He wasn't worth it. He ain't shit lol

I'm thankful that I'm ending 2020 with a clear mind, happy heart and soul.

I am claiming it.

I'm still here

I'm trying to procrastinate with work so here I am making this blog post lol

2020 is about to end and, hopefully, this pandemic goes with it too.

It has been a long year.

Didn’t get to travel but always grateful that my family is safe and healthy.

Didn't get to do most stuff I would’ve wanted to do this year but always grateful for the blessings.

This ain't my 2020 recap post yet but I gotta say that this year tested the new me.

There were down times but it's amazing how I got out of it so quickly and gracefully.

Maybe this is what all those years of heartbreak has taught me. lol

Always aiming for that. That is the end goal.

I've been spoiling myself lately. It's insane.

No regrets or guilt though.

We are all in for self love.

Nothing much to say but just wanna keep this blog active.

I'm not gonna get into the other stuff, let's save that for another post and keep this light~

Old habits

 It took me years to get over the feelings I had for you

At some point, I didn't even think we would remain friends for this long

I already closed my doors to the possibility of us

It is still closed

I don’t even know why I’m making this post but I just wanna get it all out

Cause I don’t wanna think about it anymore

It has been so long

I thought we have already outgrown our habits

We had the "we were young" card back in college

We were young, we made mistakes

We did irresponsible stuff that we don't even feel guilty or talk about like that

We're not in college anymore

I expected more from us

It wasn’t just your fault, I’m at fault too.

It takes two to tango

I feel bad for not feeling bad

I feel bad cause it was normal for us

I feel bad cause we didn’t have the need to talk about it

I feel bad cause I thought we already outgrown it

I feel bad cause we didn't feel any remorse over it

But, I guess, old habits die hard huh?

I guess, I just feel the need to feel this cause situation's different now

As selfish as it sounds, I just need to feel like a decent human being

I just need to feel like this isn't really me

But, as bad as it sounds, I guess I am

I guess we are bad people

I just hope this doesn't end up biting me in the ass

I hope as my bruises heal, this will fade out in my memory as well

To the brighter side

 Every time I try to leave, my heart won't let me

Crazy how it's November already.
We all literally spent the whole year inside of our houses. This pandemic is crap.
I've been okay. Just hanging in there.
I thought I would be making a post about us not communicating for a month but he reached out the other day, just checking up on me.
That’s the thing that makes it difficult. I can’t be mad or whatever at him cause I know he's a good guy.
I know everything that happened wasn't nothing to him. It just sucks how things are.

And I realized that maybe that was the closure I needed. All I felt when we were talking was how it was nice he was checking up on me.
That’s how I know for sure how I’m just stuck on the memories and the idea of him.
I get sad sometimes thinking of what we used to be or how I got used to talking to him literally all day, everyday about everything.
But, as I've said over and over before, nakakasanayan din.

It took me reading my old posts to somehow realize how my emotions can consume me most of the time.
Consume me in a way I would think there's no getting over that current situation anymore, when the truth is, I underestimate myself too much cause I know I am strong enough to get over it.
But I would say it's quite normal. Maybe emotions are powerful like that and that you just have to learn to snap out of it and think bout the positive side.

It's not your fault. Never be too hard on yourself. You deserve better. It ain't worth it anyway.
Those are the things I always tell myself. That and mind over matter. Just focus on the bright side.
It works most of the time but, sometimes, those emotions really got a way of being a bitch but it's okay not to be okay sometimes.

There will always be tomorrow. Doesn't matter how many Day 1s you return to. Even the littlest progress is a progress.

This post is too sane for me, I don't even know why but yay

Lost stars

You make my heart feel like it's summer when the rain is pouring down

I've always prepared myself for this moment.
This moment when I have to let you go.
I would always say, "I'll always be thankful even if it ends tomorrow"
But I never thought being in that moment will still be this hard.

Remembering how we started talking like that still gives my heart joy and puts a smile on my face.
It was surreal.
I wish I could keep you forever.
I wish things weren't the way it is, then maybe I could've kept you longer.

I'm just grateful that our paths crossed in this lifetime.
You're such an amazing guy. I wish you could see how I see you.
The girl for you will be so lucky to have you and your family in her life.

I will always remember how I would look at you and find you already adoringly staring at me with those pretty hazel eyes... and after realizing that you got caught, we would laugh in a way we both understand why.
I will always remember your face when you said that you're scared that you might hurt me. You're not the first person to say that to me but you were the first person who I actually believed to be sincere saying that.
I will always remember how your face lit up when you got the birthday present I got you and how you would show it off to everyone.

I will always hold it in my heart how someone like you loved someone like me.
My heart aches on how you would remember little things about me.
A part of me still wishes for you in the end.
I can only hold on to fate cause maybe... just maybe, if we were really meant to be, we would find each other again.

You deserve the world, Johnny.
You're a wonderful son. You're a loyal brother. You're a sweet uncle.
You're a gem.
You deserve waaaay better than me.
You would always tell me, "You deserve better than me", but jokes on you.
It's you who deserve better.
I can only wish that the girl for you would appreciate you as much as I do cause you deserve to be appreciated that much.
I hope when she finds you, I hope you welcome her with open arms.

I hope you learn how to open up your heart again.

You might've played around when you were younger (not even that much tbh) but, damn, how you've developed into this man who any mother would want for her daughter.
I will always appreciate that I'm 1 of the 2 women (as of today) who you've opened up to and felt those kind of feelings for.
You've brought out a side of me I never thought I had and for that I am more thankful as ever.
I can't stress enough in words how amazing you are but maybe that's a good thing too. So I'll always have parts of you, memories of you all for myself.

It has been exactly 2 weeks since we last talked.

We both know how it is. We both know it's for the best.

I had this post in my drafts for quite a while now, just waiting for the right time when I'm really ready to let you go. So here it is.
I know 5 years from now, I will still be thinking of you. I will still be thankful of you.
But.. maybe..
Maybe someday, maybe in another lifetime, we would find each other again and it would be perfect.

Maybe we're meant to meet in this lifetime but just not meant to be

turning around & pretending i dont love you

Here I go again.
Here I go entering my "heartless, idgaf" phase.
I always get like that whenever I try to let go of someone I still have feelings for.

I pretend I don't like that person.
I pretend I don't care about that person.
I pretend that my feelings don't exist.
I pretend until it becomes real.

How can someone say "you deserve someone better" but their face tells you "wait for me"?
It hurts when you say how you're "never good enough" or you're "not worth it" cause you are.
Someday, you will see how I see you. You'll see how amazing you are.
It doesn't matter if I'm there when that happens, I just want you to see you how I see you.

I always say, "I wish I can have you forever".
I still do.
I still wish that, someday, we can be.
Maybe in this lifetime, maybe in another lifetime.

I hope you smile whenever you remember me.
Cause I do. I smile whenever I think about you.
How can I hate you?
How can I make myself hate you?
How? Just how?

In 5 years, I would still be thankful for you.
In 5 years, this will all be memories but I'll always remember it with a smile, cause in this lifetime you loved me and i loved you.
We almost had it all.

Is that it?

4AM and I'm falling apart.
One of those days where you feel your heart breaking.
I got this habit of making a blog post about someone just when I'm ready to close my chapter with them.
I still got his' on my drafts. The post is done but I just can't publish it yet.
Make it final. Make it real.

We were something, don't you think so?
But this is the end.
My heart aches so bad. So bad.
I thought I couldn't cry anymore but I guess I was in denial.

How can I still feel thankful while my heart is aching this bad?
How can I still think you're an amazing guy while cry my heart out because of you?
It's funny cause I do. I still do.

And if my wishes came true, it would've been you

One more day

It has been a long time since I wrote here.
I hate to sound cliché but this pandemic is just making my mental health worse.
I've become more unmotivated and sadder. I just wanna sleep most of the time.
I didn't even blog during my birthday month... which sucks cause I always do.

Everyday I've been preparing myself for all of this to fade away.
It still feels like a dream whenever you say that you love me.
The feeling is still surreal.
How can someone as amazing as you see something good with someone as damaged as me?

Even if I lose you tomorrow, I know I'll still be thankful knowing someone like you.
I've been saying this since the day you brought joy to my heart and I still mean it today.
I wish I met you first.
Maybe it would've been easier, maybe it would've been waaaay different.
But I didn't. I didn't meet you first.

My heart ached when you said, "I wish I met you sooner".
My heart ached when you said, "I don't want you to leave me".
My heart ached when you said, "My mom wants to meet you so bad cause she wants to know first hand why I'm head over heels over you".
My heart ached when you said, "I just don't want to get cheated or played with".
My heart ached when you said, "I know it's useless to say anything, so I'm just going to show you".
You make my heart ache in a good way.. In the best way on how I never thought someone would feel like that with me. The way I never thought it could feel like.
That overwhelming and warm feeling in my chest.

I can only wish this could last. Forever.
I keep on asking for 'one more day' with the universe and I know, one day, I would ran out of that.
But, for now, I would savor it.
I'd gladly accept all the pain that this might cause me if it means I get more time with you.

Just give me all of you in exchange for me

Unfinished

Just when I was ready to let you go..
Just when I've accepted that we're just gonna be friends..
I thought it was a dream, a beautiful dream, but then I woke up and you were still there.

You were dropping hints that you like me more than a friend.
I wasn't taking it seriously.
But it was when you said, "I'm so happy. It's like falling in love again", that made my heart ache.. in a good way.. and in a bad way.
I don't know if that made my heart skipped a beat but it somewhat felt like that.
How can a heart like yours love a heart like mine?

Everything feels so perfect right now.
Despite me being me, overthinking and all my emotional baggage.
It feels surreal and just.. perfect.

But, I know, I eventually have to let you go.
I wish I didn't have to.
Maybe that's just why it happened this way.
Universe wants me to take this feeling with me, so when I remember you, I'll remember that someone as awesome like you loved someone like me.

I need to pick this up some other time cause I feel... blank.
I've been trynna continue or say more in this but all I can feel is my heart breaking.
Prolly PMS or whatever. so yeah

Dahil una pa lang, alam naman nating mayroong hangganan
At kahit ipilit, hanggang dito na lang.. Hindi tayo pwede

You again

I sometimes wonder if you still think about me like I think about you.
2 days ago, an email from you answered that for me.
I woke up with an email from you.
It caught me off guard cause I didn't think you'll email me again after how we ended our last conversation exactly 4 months ago.
My heart ached on how you started your email with remembering that it's my birthday soon.
It ached more on the part that you didn't say bye at the end of that email but said "forever & always" instead.
Yesterday, you decided to call me and wanted to show me something.
You were wearing the sweater I gave you. Prolly the only green sweater you own.
The moment we said hello, we laughed.

I don't know what to feel.
I've been missing you and it was so nice to know that you've been thinking and missing me too.
But I realized then that it wasn't enough to come back.
I guess, in a way, I grew.
I'm glad he reached out. It was touching to know that it's just not me.
It was nice to know that the person you're missing misses you too.
It was nice talking to him again.

But it's not enough to come back anymore.
It's not enough to fall into old habits.
I guess, in a way, I've moved on.

It took me 2 days to complete this post and turns out I didn't really have a lot to say.

You’re just a dream

Everyday I try to find a reason to not like you.

Sometimes I feel like I’m progressing but most of the time I feel like I’m hopeless.

I’ve been too sad lately.

It's mostly probably cause of this quarantine thing but yeah.

Plus my PMS.
Before my period, I’ve been crying, sulking for 3 days.
I felt like a weak ass bitch.

It warms my heart everytime you talk about me to other people.
Maybe it's the way you say how you like that I’m smart.
Maybe it's the way you say how I have a big heart and how you justify it as if the person you’re telling it is asking you to.
Maybe it's the way you say how much your mom likes me.
Maybe it's the way you have that much confidence in me more than I can ever have in myself.
I wish the one for me talks about me the same way that you do.

And I don’t know.. maybe in the middle of your sentences on how you’re talking bout me, you suddenly realize how you’re talking bout me and wanna just say "we're friends" a million times.
Then suddenly that warmth is replaced by an ache then after a while it just numbs and cold.

And me being me, I would just smile and say, "of course we are friends".
It was me telling you and trynna convince me.
Sometimes I wonder what would change if you knew how I really feel?
Am I just someone who fills the void?
Would you even care if I just disappear?

You’re on the phone right now and I’m trying my best not to cry while typing.
Dude I gotta move on, I gotta get this feeling out of my system.
Why do I stay in situations like this?
Do I crave the pain?
Am I addicted to this feeling?
I know I will eventually move on. I always do.
But damn this is the phase that's just so hard.
But I will. I will.

I wish I could keep you forever

"Bye forever"
I regretted it the moment I said it.
Just cause I saw how your smiling face telling me 'I’ll call you back' turned into that face I never wanna see – hurt.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to say good bye.. how to just vanish from your life..
I guess the downside of knowing someone's pain and all that is that you don't want them to feel that way again cause you know how it feels.

We still talk. Everyday.
I'm trynna convince myself that maybe this friendship thing will work.
But reality never fails to remind me how it won't.
The thing is.. I can't be just friends with you, Johnny.

It's the small things like you telling me how you like my hair in braided pigtails.
Or how you randomly said, "you look good in grey".
Or how you kinda gets jealous when someone messages me or I’m randomly smiling on my phone thinking I’m talking to someone else.
Or how ignored me for an hour thinking that I dreamt about someone else and how you smiled when I told you I dreamt of you.
Or how you keep calling me when I don’t answer, it makes me feel like you really wanna talk to me.
Or how you try so hard to cheer me up when I’m having a bad day.
But it really.. it's everything that you are.
It's everything that you do to know me better and to know my life, my family and my friends.

You’re still on the phone with me, kinda snoring and I’m just looking at your pretty face and it makes my heart ache a little just cause... damn you are so pretty. I wish I could keep you forever.

I don’t know how to finish this post.
And, as always, my previous post wasn't the last post for him anyway.
Damn, this might take a while to get over with.