swiftie heart crying

Always been a swiftie since i don't even know when.

First physical album I bought when I started working was 1989 lol pre-ordered it with my friend's sister

TSwift songs were always my go-to playlist during my younger years. I know. My past blog posts weren't that subtle lol

Red would be my all-time fave album. It just hits all the right spots all the time.

This week, Taylor released her version of RED cause fuck Scooter Braun lol

Everyone has been all over All Too Well (10 minute version) but I Almost Do will always be my number 1. Okay, All Too Well is 2nd lol.

I held off listening to the album and watching the ATW(10 minute version) music video for a day cause I wasn't emotionally ready for it.

Currently listening to the album and my emotions are all over the place lol

I honestly was holding back my tears while watching the music video.

Cliché but i do remember it all too well

I remember the nights I slept crying, with my heart aching af

I remember the days waiting by the phone, wishing he'll call or send a text just to check up on me

I remember questioning my worth just because a boy picked someone else over me

I remember settling for things I don't deserve just because I was scared of being alone

I remember making excuses for him to myself

I remember telling myself that it was the last time and it will never happen again.. but it did happen again.. over and over again

I remember being a mess when he left

I remember being so vulnerable, breaking down in front of him

I remember keeping all my thoughts and feelings to myself because I didn't want him to be mad at me

I remember blaming myself when he cheated on me

I remember waking up just to sleep again so I can shut off my emotions

There is still so much to say but I remember it all too well

Looking back at how I was still makes me emotional.

Emotional because I can't believe how I got all through that in one piece.

Emotional because I can't believe I let myself do that to myself.

Quite relieved cause I'm no longer that person.

I guess we really need to go through a phase to learn from it.

And I did learn a lot from every guy I had emotional attachment with.

To that popular guy that I was crushing on during sophomore year in HS aka my firsts, we all know our first love will always hold a special place in hell.. lol jk.. in our hearts. 

I'm pretty sure he was everyone's guy at some point cause that's how he was. lol I don't regret it. Summer 2007 will always be all about him.

To that long term relationship I had, I know we were both too young, co-dependent and scared to realize how unhealthy we were for each other. I could only wish it didn't cost us almost 6 years of our lives to realize that. It was emotionally draining tbh. I know we both got out of it with a handful of lessons we won't repeat on our next relationships. The bravest thing we ever did was when we decided to end us.

To that guy who loved playing mind games with me, I always knew we were wrong for each other. I knew he loved playing with me the moment he had the chance to pick me but never did. He just liked the thrill of it. He was just an old habit I had a hard time breaking. And boy, I was glad when I finally did got out of it. I knew we were never going to be and we will never work even if we try. I'm glad we stayed friends. I gained so much self worth the moment I got out of this cycle.

To that guy who I thought was the one that got away, I prolly shouldn't say anything more since he's legally married now. But I know we both know we were good for each other. We were always there for each other. We made each other so happy. It was surreal how we went from friends to as something much more. It used to hurt so much whenever I think of him cause I, not only lost someone special to me, but I lost a good friend too. I still smile whenever I remember how he would smile for me but I'm truly happy for him and the life he has made for himself.

To that guy who made me believe in relationships again, I can still remember how one of my friends would tease me cause I would always run away whenever it gets serious with someone I was talking to or going out with. I wasn't ready for any relationship back then but, somehow, when this guy asked me, I said yes. It didn't last long. The time I spent moving on from him was even longer than the time we were in a relationship. Looking back at the relationship we had, I guess I loved how he loved the idea of me. I loved how he boosted my confidence in everything I do. I loved how he loved me.

To that guy who I'm always going to be thankful for, I still don't regret everything that happened last year. We were both trying to fix each other's heart. I'd like to think we succeeded even if it ended with not being in each other's life. I knew it was impossible for me to be in his life when she started showing interest in him just because she heard him say he loves me. I won't deny it. I got mad. I was hurt but I understand. I understand because I know he deserves to be happy. He deserves to be loved. With everything he went through, he deserves that happily ever after. I am happy for him. I appreciate everything he has done to make me feel whole again. I will forever hold every advice he has given me.

These are the 6 guys that I can consider that made a difference in my life.

I think they were all a phase I needed to go through to learn what I have learned.

I will always remember it all too well

I guess I'll go through all of it again just to get to where I am right now.

I'll gladly go through all those lessons just to get to Tyler.

I guess I appreciate the peace of mind, the calmness, the security of this relationship with him more cause I've went through all those negative feelings that my past attachments gave me.

The calmness doesn't make me anxious anymore

Okay, again, I blame Red (Taylor's version) for this post.

I'll end this post here cause this got longer than expected lol