I have died everyday waiting for you

Was it real or was it fake?
Was it all a mistake?
Boy, I just gonna know was it all in my head?
Did you ever feel the same?
Was my mind just playing games?
Was it real or was it all in my head?

For the past couple of months, I've closed two doors that were way long overdue to be closed.
I am slowly but surely getting over my attachment issues and I'm pPretty glad that I am making progress.

So now, closing this chapter... I don't even know where to start.
Of all the doors I have to close, this one will always be the hardest one.
Probably the most difficult chapter to end because I am still not ready to accept it even if it's all a cycle now. Me running back to him for the nth time. Me crying over him for the nth time. Me being confused for the nth time.

It was always you.
As I've said before, I don't think that I can be just friends with you and I don't even know why.
I was never his first choice or I probably didn't even made the cut to be a choice.
It was like "I might not be the one you want but I’ll still meet you halfway" and besides, we both know that I've never been the type of girl who can sweep some guy off his feet anyway.
I lacked self-confidence.
I don't even know if what we had was real or was I just too delusional to assume that we had something or anything at all.
Maybe I just over analyzed everything? Or I read between the lines too much?
Maybe.. Maybe not... We’ll never know. I’ll never know. 

So, this is me.
Letting go of all the possibilities.
Turning off all the feelings... Intimate, romantic, emotional.
Whatever feeling that is not friendship. Closing all the doors.

Look at the bright side, Erisse.
No break ups.
Not another “Alexon”.
No more risks.
No more heartaches.
No more what ifs.
No more confusion.
Just friends. 
Just the way it should be from the very start.
It hurts to end this chapter of my life, my heart even aches to say that he can never like or even love a girl like me.
So yeah, closing this chapter now.