The one who kept me sane

“She wanted to tell him she missed him but she knew it wouldn’t change anything so she kept pretending she didn’t.”

But I do.
I do miss Derek. So much that it hurts.
But I know, it's all hopeless.
We still talk every once in a while. We still keep each other updated with life. He still checks up on me.
We've talked maybe twice or thrice on the phone ever since.
I know that he is still there when I need someone to talk to or whenever I'm sad.

I've been making my mind busy, drowning myself with work, and diverting my attention to other stuff/guys just to forget the harsh truth that he is no longer my 'baby'.
It was funny how it made my heart skipped a beat when he accidentally called me 'baby' the last time we talked on the phone. Lol it's all a lot of getting used to, I guess.

I've been listening to 'Still' and 'Lips of an angel' nonstop lately. It makes me think of him more.
How no one can replace Derek in my life. How fate sucked big time. How shitty things can be.
How unfair destiny is. How Derek will always be one of the nicest guys I have ever known.

I back read through my Twitter. You know it's real when I tweet about you. Lol.

I can still hear your laugh and how you thought I was so randomly funny singing "We just got a letter" while on the phone with you

I looked and sounded so happy. I was genuinely happy the whole Derek time.

I would give anything just to have those 15-minute phone calls in the middle of the night again

It wasn't toxic. He was like everything I could ever ask for.

I still do.

He understands me so well. He is very patient with me.

I will forever long for this moment to repeat again

He clings to me as much as I cling to him. He reassures me whenever I feel like I wasn't enough.

I love you.

I can never get mad at him after everything.
Because I know he never intended for this to happen.

I just can't help myself but feel his pain. Maybe it will go away somehow or maybe not. I hope it does.