Waves of letting you go

Fate just keeps on being a bitch.

It has been exactly a year since we broke up today.

Somehow, the universe felt the need to test all our stars.

You were suddenly calling me and I hate myself for not even hesitating to answer.

I answered and there you were. The face I missed.

We talked. You asked me what's up and all that.

We laughed. It hurt seeing you seeing me smile and your eyes telling me how you missed seeing me smile and laugh.

I hate how you look at me when I'm smiling or laughing.

I hate feeling like you still feel the same.

I told you, "it's gonna be a year since we broke up tomorrow."

You asked, "are you still waiting for me?"

I swear my heart ached a bit more cause I feel bad for myself for actually realizing that a part of me still is waiting.

I didn't answer but we both know what the answer was.

You told me, "I don't know why I feel tired when I talk to you but not the bad kind. Like a good tired."

I said, "I know. I'm boring"

You said, "No, you’re not boring. It's just that I get so comfortable when I talk to you."

Then we napped on FaceTime like we used to.

It has been a while since I slept that good.

You messaged me in the morning telling me, "That was a good sleep."

But, then, reality crept in.

Fate being a bitch dragged me back to reality.

It has been a year since we gave up trying.

Everyday I keep asking myself what if I never get over you?

What if time doesn't heal this time?

It has been a year and talking to you yesterday felt like my wound I've been working to heal up just opened up again.

I tried to focus on someone else just to get you off my mind but that obviously didn’t do the trick.

It has been a year and damn I wanna let this all go.

I've accepted everything that happened but why does it feel like I'm still trapped?

Why do I feel like spiraling down every time you reach out?

I'm honestly just venting on this post and I have no idea how to end this post.

It's been a year and every day I keep praying, hoping, wishing that I'll get amnesia from all of this.

Everything just keeps on reminding me of you.

It feels like getting amnesia is the only way out of the misery of you.

6 & 7 of 12; Year 2019

Chao Hostel Bangkok

I've been busy so, as usual, late post and it's almost August and I'm still on my 3rd book for this year.
I suck at time management plus work has been hectic.. just cause I was away for a week for my Vietnam-Cambodia-Bangkok-Singapore trip which I will make a separate blog post.

What’s up with me...

• Work is life.
• Still consistent with the strictly no dating 2019 resolution but won't deny I've been talking to some guys. Nothing bad with that, still not breaking the resolution.
• Andy... well, nothing really to write bout this cause it has been over and done with. I've accepted that but there are some days... sad days when we talk... I guess no matter what happens, we can't erase the fact that we've been in each other's lives. They say it is never too late but, for now, it's too late for everything. We didn't just break. We shattered. I wish we didn’t... but we did. Okay. Enough. I still miss him tho.
• I still have travel plans for this year so that's something to look forward to.
• I somewhat finished my 3rd book for this year which is 'The Alchemist'. I love it. It's a book I would read over and over again. I feel like when I read it, it gives me a different message every time.

So far, still good.

We're halfway over this year and, honestly, I'm still not ready to kiss this year goodbye yet.

I've been traveling and just living instead of feeling like I’m just surviving.

It sucks I haven’t blog so often but that just means I’ve been living life the right way right?

I have to catch up on that travel blog post though. It's a must!

Always thankful ♡

26🏰 ✨

Instagram grid @ersse_

Damn. I’m old.
26 freaking years old and I celebrated my birthday at Hong Kong Disneyland. lol
I always wanted to go to Disneyland and I had a great time.

Thanks to my sister for taking candid pics of me althroughout this entire trip lol

Well, twenty fucking six.
Currently, I think I am at peace. I feel like I'm at peace.
I've managed to build myself back again to the state of where I always wanted to be.
Emotionally independent, loving myself better, not giving a fuck at all bout what other people has to say and just keeping it 💯.
I'm glad I was able to stand up again and never in a million years will I ever let anyone let me lose myself again.
Like I said, 2019 will be a strictly no dating year and I think God has been testing me cause I swear, every month, he sends someone new or from the past to disturb my peace. Lol.
But, seriously speaking, yeah, I've talked to a few but you know that feeling when you just rebuilt yourself again so you're so guarded that you don't even give a fuck... yeah, that's me right now.

Angelo, Mama, Erene and Me waiting for our train

Mama, Angelo, Erene and Me @ HK Disneyland

So happy I got to travel out of the country again 6 months after I went to Taiwan.
It was just a quick getaway though. I went to Disneyland to celebrate my birthday weekend with my family and then Ngong Ping Village to visit the Tian Tan Buddha.
Hong Kong was beautiful. Just like Taiwan, I love how efficient their public transportation is.
I'm so glad I survived an out of the country travel with my mom.
I love my mom but she cranky af when it comes to walking and commuting. lol
I swear she would ask me questions as if I live or ever been in Hong Kong. It was my first time in Hong Kong too btw.

Erene and I @ 'It's A Small World' castle

It feels so good to finally stand up again after a storm.
It's the best gift I could ever give to myself.
That feeling where you know your worth. That self love. I can't even describe how glad my heart is.
No bullshit. Not even bragging.
I wish everyone feels the same way I'm feeling right now.
It feels good not even caring what other people will say or think cause you know you're fine.
It is never selfish to love yourself first. It is never selfish to do what's right for you.

Climbed 1000 steps to get to this beauty. @ Tian Tan Buddha, Ngong Pin Village

I am thankful to everything that happened to me this year. My 'quarter life crisis' year lol
I became the person I thought I would never come back to.
I questioned my worth just because a certain person took me for granted.
I felt lost and unmotivated.
I felt like my career is going nowhere.
I loved and cared for everyone else but myself.

I'm so glad that I'm turning the page now and welcoming a new chapter with a happy heart.
Here's to another year!

Drk

I can't believe I'm blogging about you again.
It started with a "Happy birthday!" and for some reason we're talking again.
I mean, it's not like we stopped being friends when we ended. It's not like we parted in a bad way.
I know it doesn't exist but, in this situation, it did. We parted in a good way.

I must've done a bit good in my life to meet someone like you.
You broke my heart but I know you broke yours too and the worst part is we couldn't avoid it that time. It was inevitable.

It has been a long time since we last talked.
You would occasionally like and view my posts and stories but that was it for the past four years.
Every time I see how happy you were on your posts, it made me happy knowing that you’re happy.
It warms my heart how after all this time you still feel bad for what happened to us.
You still feel bad about it that you had to apologize again. It's crazy how amazing you are.
I told you that you didn't have to apologize again because I understood it back then.
You said, "Well that’s how you know it was real :)" and that melted my heart.

Hearing your voice again felt like home.
Hearing your laugh felt so comforting.
You still know me so well.
I can't believe that after all this time you can still make my heart happy.

But, of course, me being me... I'm scared of talking to you like this again.
I keep thinking that what if we mess it up. What if we can't part in a good way this time.
I always felt proud about how we ended it the last time because it was just so calm and good and something we can always go back to.
I'm scared because I don't want to lose you for good.
How we ended before always made me think that you're always gonna be there.
We will always be a part of each others lives.
I don't wanna mess that up that’s why I'm keeping all my guards up.
You will always be in my heart. No matter what.

I love you that much that I'm willing to ignore all the signs cause I want you for keeps. I want you in my life. I want to preserve all our memories. I can't even think of a bad memory when we were together. It was just so perfect.

I'm smiling right now with teary eyes because I want this so bad but I can't.
I would rather be friends with you than try again and be nothing, you know.
Maybe that's how you know you really love someone... when you're willing to let the intimate feelings go because you don't want to mess it up and lose them.

.

So I told her my heart felt the same that it did before. It never changed. My feelings never went away, girl. My heart never closed the door.