Short update 09//21/16

I know, I know. I said that this (Link no longer available) was the last post about Tyler but I really just don't have much update bout mah life but I wanna blog everything I'm thinking bout.

So, I've removed myself from Tyler's friends list a couple of times now but he just keeps on trying to be in contact which is confusing, even adding me on Facebook. (We never talk on Facebook, except when his phone broke).

"Sorry. Should one thing end months of friendship? I'm not that petty"
He said that to me and it got me thinking.
I mean, he is right. We knew each other longer and what happened was so pathetic.
But it can't change the fact that it hurt me and trust has been broken.
I just don't know now. I don't even know what to think.


Honestly, it doesn't affect me as much anymore. I get sad every once in a while remembering how we were but...
This peace and joy in my heart is just enough for me.
Who knew removing toxic people in your life can actually make a big difference in your life? :)

25 months sober

It has been two years and two months since I broke up with Edz.
I didn't really intend on making a blog post about him but my new realizations got me thinking.

Nian, Dice and I had a more than 24 hours bonding last week and it was fun.
We ate junk food, watched movies, ate more junk food, and talked about everything under the sun.
Then we got into this conversation bout our past relationships, like what are the things we learned through that experience, what were the good things we will miss most bout them... stuff like that.

I got a lot of realizations that I didn't even know existed after that. I don't even know where to start and how to start saying it.. so I'm just gonna do it in bullet style.

• I realized that Edz really didn't try to know me, my family history. He never asked. He never made an effort to ask me the whys and hows about my family. 6 years of being together and he didn't even know that I have half siblings, or that my grandma and granddad were annulled. Stuff like that. He didn't know anything bout it when I know a lot about him.
•  I realized that Edz took me for granted so many times and I just let him cause I was too scared to be alone. I was thinking bout the "years" we spent together and the stuff we went through that made me weak... weak to see the truth.
• I realized that I was Edz's default. This is pretty much self-explanatory. I somehow thought of blaming myself bout this cause I wasn't really the type of girlfriend who will snoop around and tell you what you can and you can't do.. But I trusted him, even if he broke it several times, that's why I don't nag. I feel stupid confronting the "other girls" he was flirting with. Like really stupid.
• I realized that I don't really like anything about Edz except the fact that he is good with kids. I tried to justify that I like that he usually cooks food for me but I realized that he was really cooking for himself, not for me.
• I realized that I wasted too much time. I got a lot of "should've..." that I can't even deal with. One of those "should've" is that I should've just left the first time he cheated on me.
• I realized that Edz made this impact on me and not in a good way. Right now, every time I see or feel just a simple red flag, I tend to walk away. I think my experience with Edz somehow traumatized me that's why I act that way. I ignored every red flag I encountered with Edz and I don't ever wanna do that again.
• I realized how naive I was. I always made excuses for the things he did. Like how he can't make an effort to text or call me or how he ignores my messages, only to find out that he was consistently messaging another girl.

Few people said that I will just come running back to him after I broke up with him.
Maybe that's what he thought too. Cause, it's a shame to admit, but it's true.. it was true.
I always come back. I always eat everything I say.
But not this time.
It has been a couple of years and I don't even feel, even a sprinkle, of thought to come back to him.
Everything I felt for him is dead now.
I even wanna get every hour, minute, or second I spent with him.
All the memories we had, good or bad, it all just makes me feel like crap now whenever I think bout them.
I know this is just a lesson I had to learn in life & I'm no longer even mad anymore. It took me a long time to wake up and learn everything but I can say that I learned a lot.
I learned a lot that I know how to not repeat it.
That I shouldn't settle for less. I shouldn't settle at all.

And of course, a couple days later, I messaged him this. He didn't reply.

I saw this video from EliteDaily.
It was about a couple who broke up two years ago but were together for seven years.
He cheated on her for so many times, that was the first question she asked him.
He didn't really answer the question, he said he didn't know too.
It was bs.
That triggered my emotions to message Edz. He didn't reply.
I'm not hurt that he didn't reply. I didn't even care if he just seen it and didn't reply.
I didn't care at all. It just made me realize that the reason he cheated on me so many times was not because I wasn't enough... I'm sure he has his reasons but I won't let myself think that it was because of me.

Honestly, I wish him happiness.
I may sound like I'm mad on this post but I'm not.
I'm no longer holding any grudges for him.
I used to say that I miss him sometimes but now I can say that I don't even miss him at all.
Our break up was one of the best things that happened in my life.

EMOTION SIDE B!!!

So, I just found out that Carly Rae Jepsen has released a new album entitled, "EMOTION SIDE B", and it's on Spotify!!!!

First of all, I looooooooooved her previous album which is EMOTION.
I'm now listening to it right now and I'm feeling like writing about it. Lol I'm bored.

• First Time is the song if you're in the situation of something that is ending but doesn't want to and it hurts so bad that it feels like it's the first time you're hurting that way. ~ "Cause when a heart breaks, it always feels like the first time, first time. But if you stay here, we could kiss away the good bye, good bye"
•  Higher is a feel good song when you already found that someone who "takes you higher", who makes you feel "safe and sound". After all the mistakes you made, you're just so glad to finally find him. ~ "All the love was hesitating but ever since you came around, I feel more than safe and sound, yeah"
•  The One is that kind of song where you like each other but you don't want to ruin the friendship. It's like saying that you can both just kiss one last time and forget bout it cause it's too much pressure. ~ "Truth is I never thought of us together, just a friend of mine. We should know better, this can't last forever but kiss me one more time"
• Fever is definitely my fave!!!! Just cause it's bout that feeling when it's all over, when he just wants to be friends but you're still in denial and don't want to accept it. You're like asking him not to break your heart yet.. ~ "Don't tell me this is how it ends I burn a fever that I caught from you. My breath was lost when you said "friends", well, that could work but I'm still hot for you"
• Body Language is my least fave, I think. It's about like his actions says lovers but his words are saying friends. Confusing and all that crap. Lol ~ "I just think we're overthinking it, don't think it over"
• Cry is about unrequited love with someone who is emotionally unavailable. It's my second least fave for this album. I don't know why. Just maybe cause I feel like I'm the one who is emotionally unavailable lol
• Store is my second fave for this album! It's about leaving a relationship but you don't know how to, so, you just go without notice. ~ "I'm not that good at good byes, sometimes it's best to just fly"
• Roses is being on the other side of the end of the relationship. Being the one who is left behind. ~ "A simple change of heart and you attack, All the roses in the garden fade to black"   

I'm so not good at explaining songs cause I always feel like the songs explain themselves but I tried my best!!!!
I love the whole album. All songs are very pop and upbeat that you won't even notice that it has sad lyrics. It has a good vibe beat into it too.

All said and done

Credits to the owner

This is it. The last post about Tyler.
It feels like everything was a lie.
I don't even know what to believe anymore.
I trusted him with everything.
Is it really that easy to drop me for someone else?
Is it really that easy to choose breaking me?
Right now, all I can think about is how I want to turn back time.
I won't reply to his messages. I won't make up with Anri and Giana.
I know, everything happens for a reason but I just want them out of my life.
Can't they just take all their crap outta my life and never speak about me?
Cause I sure hell won't. I'm done with them. All of them.

Getting back on Tyler.
Like I said, this is the last post I'm gonna be talking bout him.
I am even planning on blocking him on Snapchat. I don't want him to get updates from me anymore.
I don't even know what to say, really.
It felt like I have said enough. I expressed how sad I was and I regret it.
He was nothing but an asshole.
I regret ever considering him as someone who I can trust.