Just because I need to vent (Edited)

I know I'm fat.
I know I'm heavier than how I weigh when I was in high school or college.
Believe it or not, I am trying so hard to lose weight.
I don't even eat that much anymore.
I don't even eat rice every day. One cup of rice per week, no soda kind of diet.
I go to the gym more than three times a week even though I'm so tired with work and commuting.
I try my best to be fit, to look fit or even to lose weight.

It just pisses me off when someone says "You look fat" or "You should lose weight".
BECAUSE I AM FUCKING TRYING.
I hate feeling like I can't eat anything I want.
I hate thinking about how much calories will some food give me before I eat it first.
I hate it.
It's like people expect you to become thin so quickly.
Times like this makes me wanna think that maybe this is why there are bulimic or anorexic people... because there are fat shaming people who can't keep their shit to themselves.
Like they don't even think about how will that affect someone.

To be honest? It affects me too much.
Because I am trying so hard.
I thought I was doing fine. Like I can see that my body is improving. I wear some clothes I used to wear before...
It's just unfair how they will still notice how faulty you are rather than noticing how much you've improved. It makes all my confidence sink and I try so hard to gain that confidence.
It's just shitty how some people can be.

EDIT(3/2/2016): SO, I KNEW IT. I KNOW I'M NOT A WEAK ASS BITCH. LOL TURNED OUT THIS WAS A BIT OF MY PMSING. LOL

Short but not too sweet

It makes me wonder how high in love I sound like almost a week ago and now I'm soooo... not.
I don't know if I fucking jinxed it.
I mean, he is still there. I was so happy when he said he'll extend his visa for another month or two to hopefully get a working visa (to stay longer) because it meant that we're gonna see each other more... but the problem is.... me.
I don't even know how and why I am feeling this way.
It feels like I don't want this anymore. Whatever this is.
It feels like having withdrawals.
I meant it when he asked me to promise that he won't lose me. I promised him that I won't go anywhere.
I hate myself for feeling like this.
It's like the moment I felt that I was getting too attached, It made me take steps back.

He is great.
I love how he can make me smile and laugh without trying so much.
I love how he puts his arms around me and kiss me on top of my head or my forehead even if there are people around.

Okay. I should stop saying all these things.
Funny how I can think and I know how great he is but I don't even feel anything.
Lol what the fuck is wrong with me?

Natural high

I imagined this day so different a couple months.
I imagined it buying a cake and waiting for 12 midnight, your time, to greet you happy birthday.
I imagined seeing that face and that smile that reaches to your eyes.
But instead, I'm here writing this blog with that familiar ache in my heart.

I know it has been months now and for something like this, I should be over it.
I should be but I'm not. I have moved on but I'm not over it.
I don't think about you as much as I used to.
You know what's hurts more than thinking about you every day? It's getting thoughts of you when it doesn't even relate to anything about you. Believe me, it sucks. Big time.

I'm glad that you are happy.
You look happy. With your son. With her.
I hope this is the last post I'll ever have to write about you.
I don't want thoughts of you anymore.
I can't even look at the bracelet you gave me without having teary eyes.
I can't even wear it all day without staring how pretty it is and thinking about what you were thinking when you bought it for me.
It sucks how fate works but I'm glad it's working good for you.
Happy birthday, Derek. I miss you.

But how

A year and eight months of being single... I must say it feels good and refreshing.
I got to do whatever I want without asking for anyone's consent.
Lol as if I ever asked my ex for permission. (I don't)
I don't have someone to worry about. I depend on no one but myself. I am on my own.
Which is good.
Sometimes I think being too independent scares guys away.

But lately, I have been dating.
Dating like going out and/or talking to other guys
It has been fun. Getting to know new people or even having a conversation with people you know for years but never talked to.
But when would you know if he is the one?
I know, overrated question. Some would say, "You'll just know it. There are no signs"
And yeah, I know that... I don't know how to explain it but how?

Is it when he wakes you up in the middle of the night to talk for fifteen minutes just because it's his break and he misses you?
Is it when he tells you "More for me to love" when you tell him that you're feeling fat?
Is it when you both stay on the phone until one of you falls asleep cause you don't wanna say bye?
Is it when he just knows when you're not in the mood and calls you without warning because you're being a bitch?
Is it when he stares at you with admiration when you laugh?
Is it when he sits in front of you, in between your legs while watching a football match?
Is it when he kissed you on the top of your head while his arm is around you?
Is it when he holds your hand when you're about to cross the street?
Is it when he casually hugs you from behind and say "Your hair smells good"?

Okay. Enough.
I know I'm just reminiscing now. Lol sorry
But I still wonder how, how will you know if he is the one?

Maybe I'll tell y'all when I found him :)