i know, you know, we know

I know, you know, we know

You weren’t down for forever and it's fine

I know, you know, we know

We weren’t meant for each other and it's fine

I tried to look for a blog post where I'm officially saying goodbye to you (cause I usually do that "closing the door" blog post) but I couldn’t find it.

So here it goes.

It has been over a year since we opened our damaged hearts to each other.

I still can’t believe we would be something like that.

Whatever it was.

We both laid out our cards on the table, whatever was left of it, and still found each other beautiful.

I'd like to think we helped each other heal.

I remember telling you how my heart wasn't just broken, it's shattered.

And you told me, with a positive tone, that you'll pick up my shattered pieces and put your broken pieces with them and make it whole.

It was comforting. It was a nice feeling knowing there's someone to walk with in that journey.

It's sad that we promised to be in each other's lives no matter what happens but obviously we aren’t anymore.

But I am still happy on how things have worked out.

I would like to think I wouldn't be as I am without a nudge or two from you.

From checking up on me and making sure I’m okay to tending to my needs.

From listening to my rants to dealing with my mood swings.

I'm always going to be thankful for you.

It's been a year now, I think I’ve figured out how, how to let you go and let the communication die out

It's been a year now, I think I've figured how, how to think about you without it ripping my heart out

I wouldn’t be in the place I am today without the lessons we both realized and learned.

I'm happy, my heart and mind are both at peace.

I hope you are too.

We both deserve that. We both deserve the best.

We both deserve the love that stays.

We went through all that and even God knows that we truly do.

I honestly don't know how to end this post and I don’t have anything more to say.

So I'm just gonna leave it at this.

I hope we won't need to fix each other in another life.

I asked you countless times to say bye but you never did.

So I'm gonna say it.

Good bye, Johnny.

This other side of paradise

2021. Wow. We've come this far.

Despite what's going on with the world, I'm still looking forward for this year.

I am claiming it. I am fully manifesting everything I have planned this year.

I am claiming it. It will happen. It is happening.

Halfway through this month and I can say that it has been nice.

Heart, ok. Happy. At peace.

Mental Health, there are still sad days for no or random reason but still ok.

Body, haven’t had soda since the year started. Less sugar intake.

I suck at blogging when I'm happy but I'm trying to make it a habit to do it or even write about it.

I figured it sucks I only write when I’m sad, that’s why I only remember detailed sadness and just like high level feeling of happiness.

Gotta work on saying what's on my mind and how I’m feeling regardless if I’m happy or sad.

And by that, I just wanna say it and make it official on my blog that... I am in a relationship.

To be honest, I didn't wanna say that out loud or like say it to other people just because y’all know I've been there, done that. I don't wanna assume shit lol I know talking and being in a relationship are two different things but yes, we've defined it. Let me just say I still get butterflies when he tells other people we are dating now and when he tells me he loves me. Eeeeh ok imma stop :">

I swear my past relationships or whateverships ruined me so much. I get so happy with the littlest things lol

But, yeah, we are dating ♡

This is not news to my close friends cause I've told them during our get togethers over the holidays.

I am happy. Overwhelming kind of happiness that just brings happy tears to my eyes.

It's also heartwarming hearing my friends tell me how they’re happy for me and how I deserve this kind of love and happiness.

They know what I've been through. They witnessed how broken I was. I can feel how genuine their happiness is for me.

My traumatized ass is still trynna adjust over how mature and healthy this relationship is but we'll get there. We always do.

My past relationships made me think that saying what I feel or what I’m thinking would always result to arguments and I will be apologizing for it in the end. It is so hard being used to just keeping it all to myself.

My past relationships gave me trust issues so high that made me think if we don't talk on the phone for at least 20 hours a day, he's probably tired of me or doesn't want me that much anymore or cheating on me lol

My past relationships taught me that fighting everyday or at least most of the week is normal.

Bless Tyler's heart because that man has been patient af with me.

Tinotopak ako as always but he manages my toyo all the time. lol

I would say something and would assume a fight out of it but he will be all understanding. Ugh. lol

My doubting ass would always be doubting lol but he manages to reassure me in his own ways.

I can talk about it all day but let's just leave it at that.

It helps that we are friends for so long before we even got into this.

We've known each other better. We get along so well.

We got into a lot of mess before. We even resisted a lot of times.

All those years, we just remained friends. Being there for each other's heartbreaks.

But, maybe like he said, maybe this is fate at play.

I guess it's just right timing.

I am claiming it.

This peace of mind and happy heart, I’ve longed for this.

I deserve this. He deserves this. We deserve this.

No more doubting, no more negative thoughts.

Not gonna miss ya, 2020

12/31/2020

It's that time of the year again.
Ending it again with a post reflecting on everything that happened this year.
To be honest, this year literally felt longer that any other year.
Spent most of it at home, working from home, getting drunk alone at home lol
Despite everything I feel like this year made me find myself again.
The quarantine has taken its toll to everyone’s mental health but, hey, I’m just glad we all made it through.

I wanna do the same thing I did last year by posting pics for each month but if I do that, all I’ll be posting is pictures of me at home so where’s the fun in that? lol
Let’s just do this in bullet style and get it over with!

January

Awts, Mau and I at Kelly and Kevin's wedding

Had to hike for 2-3hrs reach Blue Soil Hills

Sagada with work friends

This selfie was taken after 3 consecutive days of solo drinking and sulking then Johnny and I started talking and I felt this good so I had to take selfies lol

• Isabel, Carl and I went out for dinner and drinks at Timog

February

Weekend beach trip with these two <3

Samgyup dinner with Jyl and Daisu & yes, I dyed my hair back to black

March

• Corona decided to be a huge bitch. This month is the start of lockdown.
• Didn't really do anything much, just stayed at home and worked.
• Johnny's birth month. He was so happy with the blanket I got him.

April

• Still on lockdown
• Occasionally went at my grandma's to have lunch with family

May

Birthday 2020. Yes, this was from my film camera. Boodle fight lunch with family.

• Johnny told me he loves me on my birthday
• Still on lockdown

June-July

Sums up my mood for June and July lol

• Was still on lockdown
• Decided to submit my resignation by end of July

August

Finally got to see Johnaley after months

Virtual catch up with Daisu, Jyl and Nianth

Got some stuff from 3M and my work laptop yay

• For some reason, this month I decided to talk to Johnny less.
• Decided to get a new car.

September

Bangs with Tita Maan and Erin

• First month with the new company. It was refreshing. Work life balance is real lol

October

New kitty alert!! Eevee

Also, got new specs from Sunnies. And I feel like my hair grew longer

November

Tito Famz bday celeb

Di kami kumpleto but reunion with friends cause Anthony is back!

• This month I realized I started enjoying fridays and holidays again
• Can't explain further cause I don't wanna jinx it but Tyler and I are doing good <3

December

Wasn't expecting this at all. Given that I've been with 3M for 3 months and getting this. I feel so appreciated. Definitely one of the highlights of this year.

Nanay Josie turned 94

Eevee growing huhu

Decided to get bangs for a change lol

• Decided to fully cut off Andy, Johnny and everyone connected to them. Realized that Johnny wasn't really worth it after all. Still thankful for him but ya know.. it was just not worth it after all.

Overall, still thankful for this year. Thankful that me and my family are safe. This year really made a lot of us appreciate time with our families more. This pandemic needs to be over! I hope as this year ends, it takes Rona with it lol

~ I didn't get to travel this year as planned because obviously travel ban, lockdown and everything. Prolly one of the reasons I went crazy.

~ I didn't expect this year would be the year I leave Acn but still not regretting it. It just felt like it was the right time to leave. My former manager has been asking me to come back but, so far, I’m enjoying my new company. Everyone is just so welcoming and I’m enjoying the new working environment. Can't wait to meet everyone in person.

~ New Year 2020, I told myself I wouldn’t be sad over Andy anymore. I don't wanna be sad on new year because of him anymore cause I've been sad for the past couple new years because of him. As I’m writing this post, it's new year's eve and I can say that I'm not sad over Andy anymore or even Johnny. I’ll take that as a win.

~ So, how am I feeling? I'm feeling good. My heart is happy. Tinotopak ako from time to time but it is such an amazing feeling when you choose happiness and peace of mind over anything. Finding myself, knowing my worth, regaining that self love.... aaaaah it makes all the heartaches, tears and everything in between worth it.

I am hopeful and looking forward to a great 2021.

Claiming everything already. Manifesting it everyday.

Happy new year everyone!

I'm drama-free

It's sad cause I thought we would always be in each other's lives as friends.

We've helped each other get through our dark days this year. He's thankful for me, I’m thankful for him.

It is sadder how that has to change just because some person's insecurity decides to make shit up.

Some people really crave for that drama in their life.

I don’t know why. Maybe it's for the thrill.

Probably it's to conceal reality.

I don't know.

I just know it's wack how she decided to step up her game with him when she knew he was moving on and we were talking. lol

I don't blame him if he sticks with her though.

Even when he knows she’s shady as fuck and lies all the time lol. Everybody knows she's shady.

I know he loves her, he has loved her for all these years. I can't blame him for doing everything to keep her now.

I just hope she stops with her lies. I just hope she gives him what he deserves.

But it's whatever.

I cared for him. I guess I somewhat still do but it's not the same anymore.

I don't even want him in my life at all.

I feel like I still care for him because I know how it feels like to be in his shoes where I would do anything to keep someone even if that person is toxic as fuck.

Those kind of feelings can blind the shit out of you.

I'm glad I’m now out of that situation.

I hate how the idea of that person made me stupid lol

I'm drama-free

I'm just happy as it is

You know when I used to say that someday I would wake up and I won't think about that person no more? Yup, that someday happened.

I've been waking up feeling lighter and better and it's just a wonderful feeling.

He wasn't worth it. He ain't shit lol

I'm thankful that I'm ending 2020 with a clear mind, happy heart and soul.

I am claiming it.