PMS or whatever

The thing about sadness is that it's inevitable.

It can hit you at any time of the day.

It's stupid how some days I feel like I'm okay, some days I feel like I'm back in Day 1.

Today is one of the days I feel like I'm back in Day 1 that I don't wanna do anything at all.

One of those days I doubt if it really gets better.

I know I'm a walking contradiction.

It's sad how I can be emotional and just plain cold hearted. There is no in-between.

I hate feeling like I'm vulnerable, weak, needy, clingy, dependent.

I hate feeling like my walls have been broken down.

How come I hate feeling like these but I still wanna be with someone who makes me feel like these?

Stupid as fuck.

Yeah, I do.

I wanna be with him. I can't even deny it.

Every time someone will ask me why we broke up, I would say that it wasn’t working for the both of us anymore... and that's true.

Then they would ask why are we still in touch if that's the case and I try not to cry every time I tell them that there is still love there, it's just the situation that’s not working.

It sucks cause I know that staying in touch will just make the wound deeper.

How can you unlove someone?

How can you make the butterflies go away?

Am I just delusional?

How is it even if I try, even if I divert my feelings to someone new, it always come back to the fact that they’re not you?

I hope someday soon I can wake up from this dream and just trust that in another life, it would be different. Different good. Different right.

That in another life, all this pain, all this struggle, it's worth it.

I just have to accept that, in this lifetime, we aren't meant to be. The stars aren't aligned for us.

It scares me to find someone new and make it work with them... only to realize that he's not you.

x

What if I'm tryin', but then I close my eyes and then I'm right back, lost in that last goodbye?

12 months later

That was 12:47 PM on a Friday, August 30th to be exact. I was at the office.
It was 13 minutes before my meeting and I couldn’t stop myself from crying.

".. the way I want it with you"
That part echoed in my mind several times.
If fate was fair, we would’ve been great together.

It has been a year and my heart still aches whenever you cross my mind, your smile, your face, or even hearing your name.
I prayed, I wished, I hoped for everything to work in our favor.
But, Andy, we lucked out. Maybe we weren't really just meant to be.

I've kept you as a part of my life even if we're not together anymore cause we've been through a lot.
But why does feel like the only choice to fully heal is to just let you go completely?
I just have to pick up the pieces on my own. One step at a time, right?

You know what's funny though, I'm not afraid of growing old alone but I'm afraid of the thought that I won't get over you... that time won't do it's job to make this love fade... this love and this pain.

I still think we met at the right time and you are the right person.
You were the right person for that right time.
I met you at the phase of my life when I needed to make myself believe in love again.
I can still remember the person I was before I met you.
I had commitment issues. I dated a lot. Partied and drank every week.
Dating a guy was so simple. I can even detach myself from the situation so easily.
I don't lose sleep over a guy. No feelings, no attachments, just plain old cold hearted, strong, independent me.
Then you came along and pulled me back to earth, melted my iced cold heart.
You made me believe in love again. You made me believe I can still be someone I used to know and better.
I may say I regret meeting you... out of pain or maybe when I’m drunk.
But I don’t. I don't regret the joy you brought to my life.

Maybe someday, I may not still be over you but I'll remember you with a smile instead of this pain in my heart.
Maybe someday, I won't tear up when someone mentions your name.
Maybe someday, I'll remember all our good times instead of the reality that we didn't end up together.

I was never afraid of growing old alone.
but..

Maybe in another life, things will be better for us.
Maybe in another life, it'll be forever and always.

Waves of letting you go

Fate just keeps on being a bitch.

It has been exactly a year since we broke up today.

Somehow, the universe felt the need to test all our stars.

You were suddenly calling me and I hate myself for not even hesitating to answer.

I answered and there you were. The face I missed.

We talked. You asked me what's up and all that.

We laughed. It hurt seeing you seeing me smile and your eyes telling me how you missed seeing me smile and laugh.

I hate how you look at me when I'm smiling or laughing.

I hate feeling like you still feel the same.

I told you, "it's gonna be a year since we broke up tomorrow."

You asked, "are you still waiting for me?"

I swear my heart ached a bit more cause I feel bad for myself for actually realizing that a part of me still is waiting.

I didn't answer but we both know what the answer was.

You told me, "I don't know why I feel tired when I talk to you but not the bad kind. Like a good tired."

I said, "I know. I'm boring"

You said, "No, you’re not boring. It's just that I get so comfortable when I talk to you."

Then we napped on FaceTime like we used to.

It has been a while since I slept that good.

You messaged me in the morning telling me, "That was a good sleep."

But, then, reality crept in.

Fate being a bitch dragged me back to reality.

It has been a year since we gave up trying.

Everyday I keep asking myself what if I never get over you?

What if time doesn't heal this time?

It has been a year and talking to you yesterday felt like my wound I've been working to heal up just opened up again.

I tried to focus on someone else just to get you off my mind but that obviously didn’t do the trick.

It has been a year and damn I wanna let this all go.

I've accepted everything that happened but why does it feel like I'm still trapped?

Why do I feel like spiraling down every time you reach out?

I'm honestly just venting on this post and I have no idea how to end this post.

It's been a year and every day I keep praying, hoping, wishing that I'll get amnesia from all of this.

Everything just keeps on reminding me of you.

It feels like getting amnesia is the only way out of the misery of you.

6 & 7 of 12; Year 2019

Chao Hostel Bangkok

I've been busy so, as usual, late post and it's almost August and I'm still on my 3rd book for this year.
I suck at time management plus work has been hectic.. just cause I was away for a week for my Vietnam-Cambodia-Bangkok-Singapore trip which I will make a separate blog post.

What’s up with me...

• Work is life.
• Still consistent with the strictly no dating 2019 resolution but won't deny I've been talking to some guys. Nothing bad with that, still not breaking the resolution.
• Andy... well, nothing really to write bout this cause it has been over and done with. I've accepted that but there are some days... sad days when we talk... I guess no matter what happens, we can't erase the fact that we've been in each other's lives. They say it is never too late but, for now, it's too late for everything. We didn't just break. We shattered. I wish we didn’t... but we did. Okay. Enough. I still miss him tho.
• I still have travel plans for this year so that's something to look forward to.
• I somewhat finished my 3rd book for this year which is 'The Alchemist'. I love it. It's a book I would read over and over again. I feel like when I read it, it gives me a different message every time.

So far, still good.

We're halfway over this year and, honestly, I'm still not ready to kiss this year goodbye yet.

I've been traveling and just living instead of feeling like I’m just surviving.

It sucks I haven’t blog so often but that just means I’ve been living life the right way right?

I have to catch up on that travel blog post though. It's a must!

Always thankful ♡