05/10

10th day of my birthday month and I received this gorgeous bouquet from Alex.

Alex met me through Giana. He saw me on Giana's pictures and he asked who I am then he added me on Facebook. At first, the conversation was so boring. Maybe because it was a bad timing. He was about to move to his new apartment and I was.. occupied. Lol. But anyway, after a while, we talked even more and got to know each other more. He has a very nice heart. He is funny. It doesn't get dull when we talk on the phone. He has his way of making someone special.

I am not a fan of flowers. Especially roses because I think they are overrated.

But I must admit that this gesture made me smile and I felt somewhat special.

I know, I know, they are just flowers. Like I said, I'm not a fan of flowers.

This is my first official bouquet of flowers. Lol.

I know, I'm lame. To defend my ex-boyfriend or past flames, I always say that I don't like receiving flowers. Well, I like sunflowers. But no one has ever given me one. But anyway back to topic.

Receiving my first bouquet, I found myself googling on how to make them last longer.

I just feel a bit sad that it's too pretty to die yet. Hahahaha I am not making any sense and I don't know how to end this.

Long story short, I love the flowers. I appreciate Alex's gesture.

And after all, it's for my birthday anyway.

I haven't met you and I still feel like I miss you

I tried to say good bye and I choked, I tried to run away and I stumbled
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Quick disclaimer:
This blog has been up for almost 6 years now. It has been my go to place whenever I want to load off any frustration or heartache, sometimes happiness.
I feel like everything I say here has been like a broken record playing nonstop.
I met someone, we got along, fate fucked up, hearts broken. Like a cycle.
Same old shit but a different day eh? But regardless, like I always say, this blog has been my outlet for everything. It helps me get through it. Just wanna put this out here for no reason lol
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I was different from the girls he usually talk to.
I remember myself saying "He's nice but naaaaahhh" but here I am trying to get through the day with a fake smile and a wounded heart just because fate is just so damn cruel.
We started as friends.
What we had was an honest friendship. We say things with caution but without hesitations.
I love it that way. It wasn't perfect but it was better.
He has also been open to saying that he likes me and I would just tease him about it.
He has been a great listener during my Cory phase. We talk like every day. He always makes sure that I am okay.
Maybe that's one of the reasons why I started to like him.
Falling for him wasn't like a fairytale. It wasn't meeting him for the first time and knowing that he is the one for me.
Falling for him was like trying to play a song. It was like learning a new note every day and slowly learning how to play the whole song.

I didn't just wake up one day and realized that I like him.
It was gradual.
It's when he casually asks me to Skype because he misses my face.
It's when he tries his best to give me what I want.
It's how he deals with me during my PMS.
It was when he tried to hide how jealous he was but ended up being pissed and blurting how jealous he was.
It was when he tried to make me jealous and got pissed saying "Why aren't you fucking jealous?!".
It's how he stares at me while I'm talking or just staring at me when I'm busy with something on Skype.
It's how frustrated he is because he wants to be with me so bad.
It's how he always tries to make me smile whenever I'm trying to be mad at him.
Each day that passes by just makes me like him even more because of his soul and personality.
I won't elaborate how fate fucked everything up but I'm glad we still talk.
I suck at fading into not talking phase. I'm too sentimental, I'm too attached.
I hope one day, we can both meet again. Right time, right place.

Yang

Accept the fact you will grow apart from people you've had significant relationships with. Understand when someone no longer positively affects your life. Let them go.

Growing apart from friends has always been a big deal for me.
I'm that friend who will just set aside shit just to not mess with everything.
I'm that clingy friend who randomly messages just to say how I find something funny.
I'm so clingy to my friends that I can't even go a day without talking to them.
There's nothing wrong with that right?

I always treated Kdin as one of the good friends I have in my life since high school, almost like a sister really.
I was the Yin. She was the Yang.
Yes, we called each other Yin and Yang. We're cute like that. Lol
We used to walk all the way from school to home while drinking sodas and some cheap candies we bought with our supposed to be tricycle fare money. It was simple but it was those moments that whenever I remember it, I can't help but smile.
We may kinda not talked as much as we did in high school.. just because we went to different universities... and I don't know.. really, I don't know why we just fell apart. Maybe it was also my fault that I didn't reach out, that I didn't try to make constant communication.

But I guess, you can't force a friendship.
I tried reaching out but I guess it was all too late now.
And it's hard to reach out to someone who doesn't want to.
I'm just happy that she looks happy.
It's nice to be able to see her on her Snapchat stories, laughing and being Kdin. (That's a good thing)
There's that warm feeling in my heart knowing that she's doing good.
I wish her all the best.

Runaway with me

Say it again for me cause I love the way it feels when you are telling me that I'm the only one who blows your mind

It scares me how I'm so scared that I am liking someone too much.
I know, I'm weird. Crazy weird.
I don't know why I am acting like this.
I don't know why it scares me how much I like him.
I'm so scared that I even attempted to just cut ties last night.
It's not just scared like thoughts of scared but like shivering scared.
Like you're so scared that you can feel your heart ache.
It's weird, I know. Crazy.
It terrifies me more that whenever I decide to take two steps backward, he just keeps taking three steps forward.
I'm too scared of everything. I don't even know what to think.
I want it so bad. I want it so bad that I can't deal with it.
I can't deal with these feelings.
And whenever I can't deal with my feelings, I just tend to think of running....
It's hard to walk away when he just keeps holding your hand and running away with you.
Oh god, I'm so screwed.

PS. I don't know if this post makes sense. I didn't reread it