No more U-turns

As of this writing, I am almost 2 months single.

Getting out of an almost 6 years old relationship is a struggle.
Memories, promises, and the plans you both made together are your worst enemies.
I can't say that I've fully moved on or that I no longer cry when I remember the things we used to do, or I don't get teary eyed anymore when I listen to a song that reminds me of him... because, to be honest, I still do.
In a scale of 1 to 100 percent, I can say that I am 60% over it.
Well, not that over it.. like, I have moved on even just a bit.
You must think that it's a big number to be in this early.. but for me, it's not. It's just about right and about time.

I have learned a lot from this break-up.
I learned that I deserve better.
I learned that no one can effectively help you but yourself.
Yeah, friends are there to remind you things that matter and comfort you when you are at your lowest point but it will always come back to you.
You hold the wheel. It's your choice if you're going to move or going to hit the brakes or take the U-Turn.
Right now, I can feel myself moving. Moving slowly but surely.

Some of you may think that I am only saying crap because I am having a "spur of the moment" kind of thing.. but naaaah. With or without... Let's call him Alex... With or without this Alex, this will remain my point of view. Besides, there is nothing going on with me and Alex. He lives miles away from me. My friends know me too well to know that long distance relationships were and still, aren't my thing.

One of the reasons I got out of my recent relationship is that there are so many things I wanted to do. For my career, for my family, and for myself.
The relationship felt like it was holding me back and relationships shouldn't make you feel that way. It should motivate you and inspire you to aim for more.

I guess, getting older is rubbing on me. Finally knocking some sense out of me.
I may be the same old Erisse who gets confused by the and appreciates the little things but I know that I am slowly getting better and knowing what's best for me.
Like closing chapters, getting over my attachment issues... Step by step and making progress. *hugs myself* :)

Short and random

What's worse than a getting a heartache is creating your own heartache.
It's that feeling of knowing that it can end anytime or that it just can stop one day without any warning at all.
You don't even know what to do, or what to say, or how to deal with it.
No matter how much you try to stop, you always end up going.
You always end up saying, "I'm waaaaaaaaay in too deep, man"
Sounds like the same old Erisse I thought I left behind.
The difference is I can't even blog about this new chapter because I'm too scared to even open myself to that chapter of my life.
I should maybe give it more time, and if this lasts, then I'll blog about it next month.

Hoping for the best, expecting the worst.

TURN UP

You know you had a good night when you can't even remember half of it.

It has been a week but I still can't remember anything from last Saturday.

Last Saturday, I didn't go home to Olongapo because I had a mini reunion with my girls and then a night out my boys.

(From L-R; Kelly, Jazmine, Me, Lala)

The picture above is with my girls minus Frances. We had dinner at Max's.
We talked about what's going on with our lives. It was nice being with them again. No dull moments, just pure fun. 

Then after that, I went home to change and rest a little.
Around 10 PM, I went to Greenbelt to meet up with Charles and Darwin.
Carl fetched us then we drove to Sinangag Express because they were hungry.
After dinner, we went to Black Market. It's always jam-packed on a Saturday Night.
It was so fun! The crowd was sick and the DJ didn't disappoint.
The pictures below were taken when I was still sober.

Ah these two boys. Been there for me since 1st year college :)

After that, I don't know what happened anymore.

The picture below was the most decent drunk picture I had that night.

I won't be posting the other pictures because... well, let's just say I went waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay past my limit. I woke up with gashes on my knees and elbows, small cuts, and bruises on my arms. SO, YES. YOU GET THE PICTURE. I WAS DRUNK AS FUCK.

I seriously don't remember how I got home. I don't even remember that we went to The Fort and that they bought me coffee. I was so embarrassing.. but sooooo blessed that I have these three boys who took care of me but, also didn't forget to take pictures while I was drunk and lying on the floor.

I owe you guys my life! Thanks for taking care of me and reminding me everything I did that night... I love you three!! HAHAHAHA

To sum it all up I got drunk as fuck. I got gashes, cuts & bruises. I kissed someone that I can't even remember but I know he was cute. I threw up everywhere. I literally can't remember 3/4 of what happened that night but still.. that was one of the best nights of my life. One for the books, INDEED!

I have died everyday waiting for you

Was it real or was it fake?
Was it all a mistake?
Boy, I just gonna know was it all in my head?
Did you ever feel the same?
Was my mind just playing games?
Was it real or was it all in my head?

For the past couple of months, I've closed two doors that were way long overdue to be closed.
I am slowly but surely getting over my attachment issues and I'm pPretty glad that I am making progress.

So now, closing this chapter... I don't even know where to start.
Of all the doors I have to close, this one will always be the hardest one.
Probably the most difficult chapter to end because I am still not ready to accept it even if it's all a cycle now. Me running back to him for the nth time. Me crying over him for the nth time. Me being confused for the nth time.

It was always you.
As I've said before, I don't think that I can be just friends with you and I don't even know why.
I was never his first choice or I probably didn't even made the cut to be a choice.
It was like "I might not be the one you want but I’ll still meet you halfway" and besides, we both know that I've never been the type of girl who can sweep some guy off his feet anyway.
I lacked self-confidence.
I don't even know if what we had was real or was I just too delusional to assume that we had something or anything at all.
Maybe I just over analyzed everything? Or I read between the lines too much?
Maybe.. Maybe not... We’ll never know. I’ll never know. 

So, this is me.
Letting go of all the possibilities.
Turning off all the feelings... Intimate, romantic, emotional.
Whatever feeling that is not friendship. Closing all the doors.

Look at the bright side, Erisse.
No break ups.
Not another “Alexon”.
No more risks.
No more heartaches.
No more what ifs.
No more confusion.
Just friends. 
Just the way it should be from the very start.
It hurts to end this chapter of my life, my heart even aches to say that he can never like or even love a girl like me.
So yeah, closing this chapter now.