I have died everyday waiting for you

Was it real or was it fake?
Was it all a mistake?
Boy, I just gonna know was it all in my head?
Did you ever feel the same?
Was my mind just playing games?
Was it real or was it all in my head?

For the past couple of months, I've closed two doors that were way long overdue to be closed.
I am slowly but surely getting over my attachment issues and I'm pPretty glad that I am making progress.

So now, closing this chapter... I don't even know where to start.
Of all the doors I have to close, this one will always be the hardest one.
Probably the most difficult chapter to end because I am still not ready to accept it even if it's all a cycle now. Me running back to him for the nth time. Me crying over him for the nth time. Me being confused for the nth time.

It was always you.
As I've said before, I don't think that I can be just friends with you and I don't even know why.
I was never his first choice or I probably didn't even made the cut to be a choice.
It was like "I might not be the one you want but I’ll still meet you halfway" and besides, we both know that I've never been the type of girl who can sweep some guy off his feet anyway.
I lacked self-confidence.
I don't even know if what we had was real or was I just too delusional to assume that we had something or anything at all.
Maybe I just over analyzed everything? Or I read between the lines too much?
Maybe.. Maybe not... We’ll never know. I’ll never know. 

So, this is me.
Letting go of all the possibilities.
Turning off all the feelings... Intimate, romantic, emotional.
Whatever feeling that is not friendship. Closing all the doors.

Look at the bright side, Erisse.
No break ups.
Not another “Alexon”.
No more risks.
No more heartaches.
No more what ifs.
No more confusion.
Just friends. 
Just the way it should be from the very start.
It hurts to end this chapter of my life, my heart even aches to say that he can never like or even love a girl like me.
So yeah, closing this chapter now.

Curtains closed

It has been almost a month of being single. I just feel lonely sometimes.
That's one of the reasons why, for the past weeks, I'm surrounding myself with my family, friends, and work but, of course, when you're alone... late at night... the loneliness will always come.
You won't even have a choice to just think of him.

I know, I know, I called the shots. I was the one who chose this. It's my fault.
Some people will say I don't have the right to feel sad or be hurt because I was the one who caused this.. that I did this to myself.

Well, technically, they are right. I did choose to end something I'm not sure of.
Something that didn't feel right anymore. Something I can't see the future with anymore.
Something that no matter how we tried, it was just not working anymore.
He may not see it now but, I know, someday, he'll realize everything I want him to realize when I ended it.

I loved him... so much. I still do but in a different way now.
Yes, I ended it but that doesn't mean I didn't get hurt, that I didn't feel pain.. because I did.
I still feel the pain, I can still feel that something is missing, that I'm somehow incomplete.. especially now that I know he is happy with someone else. Well, that sounded selfish.

I am just happy he's happy. I'm happy that he's no longer feeling all this pain.
I'm happy that he no longer have to cry himself to sleep or that he doesn't feel all teary-eyed every time he listens to a song that reminded him of me or that he doesn't feel lonely at night anymore because he misses me cuddling with him.
I'm glad that he already found someone who'll appreciate every little thing he does and have.

I know, I'm just being dramatic because I am still holding on to the idea of us and that I'm just feeling lonely.
I'm still making adjustments. After all, that was 6 years of my life.

Sparks died. Fell out of love. It's just not working anymore.

Yet

Late night realizations always get the best of me.
Having the highs and lows, pros and cons of being single.

On my previous post, I talked about a certain someone.
Earlier, I realized that I closed the door with my ex because I want to break a cycle but here I am again trapped in another cycle.

I don't even know why or how but like I said, he will always have that special place in my heart and I know, my boy friends won't argue with me with this one.
They know why. They were with us. They know everything.
I really used to think he was the one for me.
He used to be my eye opener to the real world.
I wanted him to be the one for me. If only it works that way huh? It would be easy as pie but nope, fate is the boss here.

I can still remember everything he said to me.
The endless text messages answering all of my whys.
The promises he made to make my doubts disappear.
He even told me his own what ifs.
We both got realizations that all ended with "Bahala na".

I kept telling myself that maybe that was not the right time for us and clearly, now is not the right time either but.. how long? How long should I wait for the right time?
Then I realized, I should stop waiting for that.
I should stop thinking you are the one for me.
I should stop waiting for fate to give us a chance.
I should just be happy for you.
I should just keep all these remaining feelings I have for you because maybe this is fate telling us that it already gave us the chance but we didn't see it and we ended up wasting it.

No, I'm not closing this chapter yet.
As much as I want to, I just can't... for now.

Closing a chapter for me is forgetting everything.
The pain, the mistakes, and even the happiness.

It's like reformatting that side of my brain and heart and installing friendship.. because all I can offer after closing that chapter is friendship. And I know, I can never be just friends with you...

I know. I know. I know. I have to. I have to accept it sometime soon.

Why do you make it so hard? You are the most confusing thing in my life but I don't want you to go away.

Right now, I miss everything about you. I can't believe I still want you after everything we've been through.

Not yet

But if I could change your mind, how would you want me?

Would you say you need me coz I need you now... If I could change your mind

I don't know if I'm ready to close this chapter in my life.. but, I guess, I just have to blog this.

Have you ever had that feeling when you feel so attached to a certain person?

That no matter what you do, he will always be one of your weaknesses.

No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want to detach yourself or hate that person for everything he did to you, you just can't.

They said when a girl and a boy used to have mutual feelings for each other, they can never be friends again after that.
So imagine how am I feeling right now? Lol. The struggle is real.
It's like pretending everything didn't happen.
Pretending that it's okay to see him with one of your best friends.
Pretending that you're so happy for them.
Pretending you are okay.
Pretending that your heart doesn't ache.

I know, it is better this way.
I couldn't afford to lose another friend.. to take a risk and cross that friendship line again even if I know it's different with him.

Oh, how I hate getting trapped in the past. And I guess I'm not yet ready to close this chapter