Curtains closed

It has been almost a month of being single. I just feel lonely sometimes.
That's one of the reasons why, for the past weeks, I'm surrounding myself with my family, friends, and work but, of course, when you're alone... late at night... the loneliness will always come.
You won't even have a choice to just think of him.

I know, I know, I called the shots. I was the one who chose this. It's my fault.
Some people will say I don't have the right to feel sad or be hurt because I was the one who caused this.. that I did this to myself.

Well, technically, they are right. I did choose to end something I'm not sure of.
Something that didn't feel right anymore. Something I can't see the future with anymore.
Something that no matter how we tried, it was just not working anymore.
He may not see it now but, I know, someday, he'll realize everything I want him to realize when I ended it.

I loved him... so much. I still do but in a different way now.
Yes, I ended it but that doesn't mean I didn't get hurt, that I didn't feel pain.. because I did.
I still feel the pain, I can still feel that something is missing, that I'm somehow incomplete.. especially now that I know he is happy with someone else. Well, that sounded selfish.

I am just happy he's happy. I'm happy that he's no longer feeling all this pain.
I'm happy that he no longer have to cry himself to sleep or that he doesn't feel all teary-eyed every time he listens to a song that reminded him of me or that he doesn't feel lonely at night anymore because he misses me cuddling with him.
I'm glad that he already found someone who'll appreciate every little thing he does and have.

I know, I'm just being dramatic because I am still holding on to the idea of us and that I'm just feeling lonely.
I'm still making adjustments. After all, that was 6 years of my life.

Sparks died. Fell out of love. It's just not working anymore.

Yet

Late night realizations always get the best of me.
Having the highs and lows, pros and cons of being single.

On my previous post, I talked about a certain someone.
Earlier, I realized that I closed the door with my ex because I want to break a cycle but here I am again trapped in another cycle.

I don't even know why or how but like I said, he will always have that special place in my heart and I know, my boy friends won't argue with me with this one.
They know why. They were with us. They know everything.
I really used to think he was the one for me.
He used to be my eye opener to the real world.
I wanted him to be the one for me. If only it works that way huh? It would be easy as pie but nope, fate is the boss here.

I can still remember everything he said to me.
The endless text messages answering all of my whys.
The promises he made to make my doubts disappear.
He even told me his own what ifs.
We both got realizations that all ended with "Bahala na".

I kept telling myself that maybe that was not the right time for us and clearly, now is not the right time either but.. how long? How long should I wait for the right time?
Then I realized, I should stop waiting for that.
I should stop thinking you are the one for me.
I should stop waiting for fate to give us a chance.
I should just be happy for you.
I should just keep all these remaining feelings I have for you because maybe this is fate telling us that it already gave us the chance but we didn't see it and we ended up wasting it.

No, I'm not closing this chapter yet.
As much as I want to, I just can't... for now.

Closing a chapter for me is forgetting everything.
The pain, the mistakes, and even the happiness.

It's like reformatting that side of my brain and heart and installing friendship.. because all I can offer after closing that chapter is friendship. And I know, I can never be just friends with you...

I know. I know. I know. I have to. I have to accept it sometime soon.

Why do you make it so hard? You are the most confusing thing in my life but I don't want you to go away.

Right now, I miss everything about you. I can't believe I still want you after everything we've been through.

Not yet

But if I could change your mind, how would you want me?

Would you say you need me coz I need you now... If I could change your mind

I don't know if I'm ready to close this chapter in my life.. but, I guess, I just have to blog this.

Have you ever had that feeling when you feel so attached to a certain person?

That no matter what you do, he will always be one of your weaknesses.

No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want to detach yourself or hate that person for everything he did to you, you just can't.

They said when a girl and a boy used to have mutual feelings for each other, they can never be friends again after that.
So imagine how am I feeling right now? Lol. The struggle is real.
It's like pretending everything didn't happen.
Pretending that it's okay to see him with one of your best friends.
Pretending that you're so happy for them.
Pretending you are okay.
Pretending that your heart doesn't ache.

I know, it is better this way.
I couldn't afford to lose another friend.. to take a risk and cross that friendship line again even if I know it's different with him.

Oh, how I hate getting trapped in the past. And I guess I'm not yet ready to close this chapter

Always and forever x

I've been closing chapters lately... And you know what, after I wrote that blog post (the one below this), I really moved on. Well, not totally moved on moved on. But I really don't care anymore. Maybe because I already said everything I wanna say. Almost.. but that will all do.

So back to closing chapters in my life...

I have decided to close the chapter I have with Edz. Well, about to.

I'm not good with goodbyes, I tend to push people away instead of saying goodbye for the last time.

For a person who has attachment issues like me, letting go of someone or something is the hardest thing to do.

And letting go of an almost 6 years old relationship... you must think I'm crazy right?

But hear me out.

6 looooooong years with Edz was like a roller coaster ride.

We had a fair share of break ups, cool off or whatever you want to call it.

He was the one who saw me when I was invisible.

He was the one who dragged me out of my delusional world for Jestin Yao.

He was the one who made me feel that I deserved to be loved.

I know, you're thinking how crazy I am now but the time will come when you will just get tired with all of it.

It just feels like we're not growing anymore and I am craving to grow more. You know what I mean?

Sometimes you just have to set aside all of the good things or happy memories or promises you both made and evaluate if that is what you really want for the rest of your life because let's face it, it's not always flowers and butterflies. You can't just hold on because of the memories.

It may look like a shitty relationship to others but, for me, it was a blissful roller coaster ride that I will never forget.

He will always have that special place in my heart. No matter what.

I know he'll hate me or he hates me already because of this.. for weeks, months or even years but we started as friends and I know, someday, we'll look at this the same way.

Di naman lahat ng breakups ay third party ang dahilan eh.

And I never thought that night, this night, was the last night I'll get a chance to hold this hand.
Just know that I tried. And tried. And tried.
But.. I don't want to be selfish.
I know. Someday, you can get all everything you gave me back so you can give it to someone worth it all.
I may regret this someday but I'll try not to.
You're one of the most wonderful things that happened to me.
I will always love you. Always and forever