last goodbye;

It's that time of the year again.
Every end of the year, I always try to reflect on the year I had and make sure to do better the next year.
Sometimes I get to be consistent about it, sometimes I don’t.

If there's one thing I am eager and hopeful for is that to let go Andy completely.
This time I’m gonna be consistent about it.
I pray that this is the last year that I'll feel this pain and shed these tears because of him.
I may sound so dramatic but I swear that I just want him out of my life.

I maybe be crying my heart out today but, one day, I'll be able to say "I’m fine" without lying.
I gotta stop with this weak ass front. I am not this person.
I am strong. I am independent.

I just need to get myself together and I will. I definitely will.
It's time to move forward. No looking back. Not even a glance.

I always get up from every struggle.
This is just one of those struggles.
I know what to do.

He wasn’t worth it.
Red flags are there to warn you. Never ignore them ever again.

I don't even know what to really blog right now but I'm just thinking of stuff to motivate me and maybe motivate other people who will come across this post. I feel like if I write, that’s when I feel more motivated to do it and maintain it.

I will get over this. I will. I just need time.

PMS or whatever

The thing about sadness is that it's inevitable.

It can hit you at any time of the day.

It's stupid how some days I feel like I'm okay, some days I feel like I'm back in Day 1.

Today is one of the days I feel like I'm back in Day 1 that I don't wanna do anything at all.

One of those days I doubt if it really gets better.

I know I'm a walking contradiction.

It's sad how I can be emotional and just plain cold hearted. There is no in-between.

I hate feeling like I'm vulnerable, weak, needy, clingy, dependent.

I hate feeling like my walls have been broken down.

How come I hate feeling like these but I still wanna be with someone who makes me feel like these?

Stupid as fuck.

Yeah, I do.

I wanna be with him. I can't even deny it.

Every time someone will ask me why we broke up, I would say that it wasn’t working for the both of us anymore... and that's true.

Then they would ask why are we still in touch if that's the case and I try not to cry every time I tell them that there is still love there, it's just the situation that’s not working.

It sucks cause I know that staying in touch will just make the wound deeper.

How can you unlove someone?

How can you make the butterflies go away?

Am I just delusional?

How is it even if I try, even if I divert my feelings to someone new, it always come back to the fact that they’re not you?

I hope someday soon I can wake up from this dream and just trust that in another life, it would be different. Different good. Different right.

That in another life, all this pain, all this struggle, it's worth it.

I just have to accept that, in this lifetime, we aren't meant to be. The stars aren't aligned for us.

It scares me to find someone new and make it work with them... only to realize that he's not you.

x

What if I'm tryin', but then I close my eyes and then I'm right back, lost in that last goodbye?

12 months later

That was 12:47 PM on a Friday, August 30th to be exact. I was at the office.
It was 13 minutes before my meeting and I couldn’t stop myself from crying.

".. the way I want it with you"
That part echoed in my mind several times.
If fate was fair, we would’ve been great together.

It has been a year and my heart still aches whenever you cross my mind, your smile, your face, or even hearing your name.
I prayed, I wished, I hoped for everything to work in our favor.
But, Andy, we lucked out. Maybe we weren't really just meant to be.

I've kept you as a part of my life even if we're not together anymore cause we've been through a lot.
But why does feel like the only choice to fully heal is to just let you go completely?
I just have to pick up the pieces on my own. One step at a time, right?

You know what's funny though, I'm not afraid of growing old alone but I'm afraid of the thought that I won't get over you... that time won't do it's job to make this love fade... this love and this pain.

I still think we met at the right time and you are the right person.
You were the right person for that right time.
I met you at the phase of my life when I needed to make myself believe in love again.
I can still remember the person I was before I met you.
I had commitment issues. I dated a lot. Partied and drank every week.
Dating a guy was so simple. I can even detach myself from the situation so easily.
I don't lose sleep over a guy. No feelings, no attachments, just plain old cold hearted, strong, independent me.
Then you came along and pulled me back to earth, melted my iced cold heart.
You made me believe in love again. You made me believe I can still be someone I used to know and better.
I may say I regret meeting you... out of pain or maybe when I’m drunk.
But I don’t. I don't regret the joy you brought to my life.

Maybe someday, I may not still be over you but I'll remember you with a smile instead of this pain in my heart.
Maybe someday, I won't tear up when someone mentions your name.
Maybe someday, I'll remember all our good times instead of the reality that we didn't end up together.

I was never afraid of growing old alone.
but..

Maybe in another life, things will be better for us.
Maybe in another life, it'll be forever and always.

Waves of letting you go

Fate just keeps on being a bitch.

It has been exactly a year since we broke up today.

Somehow, the universe felt the need to test all our stars.

You were suddenly calling me and I hate myself for not even hesitating to answer.

I answered and there you were. The face I missed.

We talked. You asked me what's up and all that.

We laughed. It hurt seeing you seeing me smile and your eyes telling me how you missed seeing me smile and laugh.

I hate how you look at me when I'm smiling or laughing.

I hate feeling like you still feel the same.

I told you, "it's gonna be a year since we broke up tomorrow."

You asked, "are you still waiting for me?"

I swear my heart ached a bit more cause I feel bad for myself for actually realizing that a part of me still is waiting.

I didn't answer but we both know what the answer was.

You told me, "I don't know why I feel tired when I talk to you but not the bad kind. Like a good tired."

I said, "I know. I'm boring"

You said, "No, you’re not boring. It's just that I get so comfortable when I talk to you."

Then we napped on FaceTime like we used to.

It has been a while since I slept that good.

You messaged me in the morning telling me, "That was a good sleep."

But, then, reality crept in.

Fate being a bitch dragged me back to reality.

It has been a year since we gave up trying.

Everyday I keep asking myself what if I never get over you?

What if time doesn't heal this time?

It has been a year and talking to you yesterday felt like my wound I've been working to heal up just opened up again.

I tried to focus on someone else just to get you off my mind but that obviously didn’t do the trick.

It has been a year and damn I wanna let this all go.

I've accepted everything that happened but why does it feel like I'm still trapped?

Why do I feel like spiraling down every time you reach out?

I'm honestly just venting on this post and I have no idea how to end this post.

It's been a year and every day I keep praying, hoping, wishing that I'll get amnesia from all of this.

Everything just keeps on reminding me of you.

It feels like getting amnesia is the only way out of the misery of you.