Dear self circa 2019,

This is a reminder that you made it.
This blog has always helped me during my lowest times.
Whenever I'm in that phase, I would just read through my past posts to remind myself how far I've become, how much I've dealt with and that whatever it is I am currently going through, I can and I will always surpass it.

6 months ago, I was probably lying in bed, feeling so unmotivated & debating with myself if I should push through with my Taiwan trip without a plan or anything.
6 months ago, I was recalling everything that happened for the past couple months and how I was so naive and how much it all drained and traumatized the fuck outta me.
6 months ago, I was feeling so frustrated because I suck at making my own decisions that made me be a version of myself that I swear I wouldn't go back to.
6 months ago, I had endless whys.
6 months ago, I felt so lost.

But today, 6 months felt like forever ago. I no longer recognize that version of me.
I can honestly say that I've made a big progress on loving and trusting myself again.
I don't feel lost anymore. I still have my whys but I don't dwell on them anymore.
I don't feel unmotivated anymore... except on my lazy days. lol
I feel motivated to go to work and it really helped being in a new project and meeting new work friends or just seeing old work friends.
I still have those hormonal-moody-overly sensitive kind of days.
But maybe that's how the universe tells me that I'm still human and that I'm not numb or emotionally unavailable. lol

But, seriously, I love myself now. I've learned how to love myself more again.
I am slowly but surely making myself whole again.
I don't feel lonely even when I'm alone. I feel more motivated to explore and learn new stuff.
I just feel like I'm full of life. I have that adrenaline rush to do everything I want to do.

image from Pinterest

If I'm reading this right now, I'm probably feeling like shit.
I just want myself to know that it's okay to feel like shit today but I better snap out it by tomorrow because I'm not a weak ass bitch.
I've come this far, I've been through a lot and I've always come out stronger. I will always will.
Everything really happens for a reason. We all just have to be patient and trust that God has a plan for us.

Very random

Hi! I just felt like blogging today mainly because I need to vent.

I want to get these emotions off my system because I don't want it anymore.

I don't want these emotions... I feel so weak... defeated... marupok.

Today, I woke up feeling like I didn't wanna go to work so I decided to work from home.

There was a production issue, so I had to fix it. Worked on it all day.

Had the chance to catch up with Matt after a long time – *cue in Happier by Ed Sheeran* lol

Haven't talk to him for so long cause, to be honest, I've been out of it since this year has started.

I wanted to do better and then I got back to morning shift and I had to adjust to a lot of stuff and also the fact that I somehow got jealous with him making Savannah jealous. LOL OKAY I DIDN’T THINK BOUT THAT BEFORE I WROTE IT LOL.

Anyway, so, he's seeing someone now. 

I know, I know. I shouldn't even feel this way anymore cause we're friends and he has always been there for me and it's not like he really liked me and all that but damnnnnn it stings a bit. Okay, a whole bit. A little. I probably sound so stupid right now. It's crazy how it has been on my mind all day. I even went to the gym so I can just make it go away. Endorphins! Endorphins!

You know what's crazier? Randomly finding old photos and conversations we had before. I was so happy and comfortable. But I know... Matt and I will always be just a dream. My favorite what if.

He met me during his younger years and now he has grown. He has grown into a man any woman will be lucky to have. In my opinion, Matt is the kind of guy who will just get the real you, the whats and the whys. He's not the usual type of guy I typically meet. In the couple years I've known him, I was always been the immature one. lol I would always pick fights with him and he never ever ever ever gave up on my stubborn ass. It surprised me how he values our friendship and I'm not just some person who can just disappear and he wouldn’t care.

Anyway, I've been staring at my laptop for 3 minutes now and I don't know what else to say. I needed to talk about this so bad earlier that I messaged Tyler but he said he was with his girlfriend and they're watching movies. Gym didn't really help but it was so nice to run again. I cooked but I think cooking stresses me out cause I feel pressured to make it edible or good to eat. I made egg spread for my breakfast tomorrow. But still... here I am... trying to just get this out of my system.

I keep on repeating to myself that I'll get over this. I'll bury myself with work and I'll be fine in no time.

Just act normal, act okay until you really feel normal and okay.

It has been so long since I wrote a random post like this and I can’t believe it's about Matt.

When Matt first told me about Savannah, I grew to the idea of it and thought that Savannah was a lucky girl and after everything she went through during her past relationship, she deserves the happiness Matt can bring her cause I know how relationships like that can do to you.

And just like that, I don’t know how to end this post anymore.

I know I’ll be able to get it out of my system. Eventually. One of these days. Maybe not tomorrow but eventually.

2 of 12; Year 2019

This post was supposed to go out before Feb ends but I wanted to finish my Feb book before I post it... sadly, life has been busy and I couldn't finish it on time. HUHU
My body clock is now normal. I'm back to morning shift since Feb 6th.
Yes, I now have a normal life. I got pulled into my new project sooner than expected. Can't complain.
It has been almost a month now and it has been good. Mostly getting to know everything bout the application and all that.
I’m actually quite nervous. Expectations are high and I don't wanna fail. I don't ever wanna fail lol

We're 2 months down for this year and I haven't started going to the gym lmao
So much for "starting to workout" but I swear I'm gonna try to go at least three times this week, I'm just adjusting right now with the new work schedule but I'm gonna get around it.

Soooooooo... I was stuck in traffic a couple weeks ago and I impulsively decided to cut my hair short.

Bye curls. Hello short hair.

My stylist at Tony and Jackey asked me a couple more times if I was decided to really cut it lol
No regrets up to this day. After all, it's just hair. It will grow back.
And by that, I got it colored on Valentine's day just cause I was stuck in traffic and I thought my dark brown hair was boring. I was aiming for an Auburn, red-ish brown-ish kind of color and I really wanted to get it colored but the traffic was crap going to Tony and Jackey. So I tried this Vivere Salon in Glorietta and I swear I ain't gonna go back. lol

The color looks good in this pic cause it's not showing my roots but I swear, my roots are still damn black and my sideburns as well. I asked them why when they washed it off and I got a "kasi black po yung roots nyo" answer and I just shut my mouth cause I didn't wanna argue. It was my fault anyway to go to that salon. I didn't look at reviews but I would expect paying that amount of money, they would color every inch of my hair LOL Tony and Jackey would. But again, it's okay. At least now I know not to go back to that salon. So, note to self: If you're going to be hair impulsive, at least go to Tony and Jackey to get it done. Ah well. Imma just hafto go next month to Tony and Jackey to fix it.

Okay. End of hair dilemma.
While I was getting my hair cut, I can't help but think of Andy.
He always loved my long hair. He didn't want me to cut it or even have it trimmed when we were together. lol Ang sad.
I guess this is really the start of getting out of it. I have gotten used to not talking to him every day that when he messages me, it feels foreign and that I don't see myself waiting for his messages or calls anymore.
I won't lie, I still miss him. I think that's normal.

What's not normal is to miss Alexon. It has been years but maybe his recent marriage just made me nostalgic but, hey, I'm okay. Who would want to end up with someone who has cheated on you and lied to you right? I don't. I ain't Khloe Kardashian. Jk lol

Soooo, like I said, I tried so hard to finish my Feb book but life has been busy.
I'm halfway through it though! So I'll be able to finish soon! Then on to the next book!!!

I will hold off concluding my rating for this book because it has a bit of plot twists.

Second month of this year and it has been refreshing.
Thanks to the guy up there ❤

1 of 12; Year 2019

Fujifilm X-A10; 01/18/2019

6 days left for the first month of this year and I'm gonna wrap it up with this post.
Unlike last year, January has been so nice to me this year.
So far, so good.

I've been keeping up with my skin care routine – basically just facial wash, toner, sometimes I do sheet masks, eyelift cream then moisturizer. I also bought a sunscreen and been trying to religiously apply it after shower.

I have finally finished my January book which is 'The Crown's Game'. I can say that it is a good read and I wanna read the next book... I am yet to find where to buy it lol I will give it a rating of 3/5 just because Vika was sooooo... UGHHHH. Like really? A boy can make you lose focus on the game that will determine your fate??? My competitive self is triggered lol

I splurged this month and I swear I'm trying to control it. Besides I can't think of anything else to buy lol. I feel a bit guilty and not guilty at the same time but it's ok to spoil yourself. No one should feel guilty bout that. Okay, I sound like a shopaholic who's just making excuses hahahaha.

I don't normally post stuff that I recently bought or have on social media – only when I'm too happy with it or someone gave it to me – but since this is a blog.. what else is there to say? lol Imma do a January Haul. So whats new...

– Fujifilm Instax 25!!! As I previously mentioned, my Fujifilm Instax Wide 300 died. RIP. It was either I trade it in for a new one or downgrade... obviously, I downgraded. I love it though! Instax 25 is very handy compared to my Wide 300 plus mini films have more cute films than wide films.

Ofcourse. The test shot is my face.

– Fujifilm X-A10. I decided to finally buy a mirrorless camera since I'm planning to travel more this year. I was torn between X-A10 and X-A3 but there aren't really much of a difference between the two. Settled for the X-A10 and I'm still trynna play with it, but so far, it has been nice. It came with a tripod too. So that will definitely help during travels.

Yes, it is pink.

Sample camera shot #1: morning view from my apartment

Sample camera shot #2: One of my impulsive purchases for this month from Miniso. So fluffy!! 

Sample camera shot #3: Phone. lol

Sample camera shot #4: Pizza

– Pandora charm bracelet. I've been eyeing this since forever and I never had the guts to buy it cause I think it's too pricey and I want the charms to be sentimental. Like one country, one charm or one life event, one charm kind of thing. This month, I slept on it and when I woke up, I was still decided to buy it... so I did. I can't wait to fill it up!!

Got a beaded heart charm too.

– Mi Band 3. Yes, it's a fitness tracker. I am planning on going to the gym all throughout this year. My membership starts this Feb 01 and I figured, since I'm gonna be doing this, might as well be fully committed to it. Plus I just love how it tracks my sleep and steps lol even if it's not super accurate but it's something lol. Apple Watch is too expensive for me but we don't know, maybe if I really like this fitness tracking thing, I might switch lol

01/22 steps

– I gotta say the biggest splurge is my trips to Watsons. I swear i bought too many stuff I don't necessarily need. Everytime I go to the mall, I always make sure to drop buy Watsons and I never leave empty handed. If it's not Watsons, it's Miniso, Mumuso, Daiso or whatever tyangge lol

At the end of the day, material things are just material things. Anybody who will say money can't buy you happiness doesn't know where to shop... lol JK My Gossip Girl heart is just quoting the Queen B. But, seriously, material things are just material things. They are nice to have and all that but, at the end of the day, what's more important is your inner peace, your mental health, your loved ones... stuff money can't really buy.

Like I said, this month has been better. Much much better than last year.
Looking back last January 2018, I was trying to get over some stuff, bury the pain in my heart, move on from certain shit to survive another day but, hey, a year later and here I am... a work in progress.