Drk

I can't believe I'm blogging about you again.
It started with a "Happy birthday!" and for some reason we're talking again.
I mean, it's not like we stopped being friends when we ended. It's not like we parted in a bad way.
I know it doesn't exist but, in this situation, it did. We parted in a good way.

I must've done a bit good in my life to meet someone like you.
You broke my heart but I know you broke yours too and the worst part is we couldn't avoid it that time. It was inevitable.

It has been a long time since we last talked.
You would occasionally like and view my posts and stories but that was it for the past four years.
Every time I see how happy you were on your posts, it made me happy knowing that you’re happy.
It warms my heart how after all this time you still feel bad for what happened to us.
You still feel bad about it that you had to apologize again. It's crazy how amazing you are.
I told you that you didn't have to apologize again because I understood it back then.
You said, "Well that’s how you know it was real :)" and that melted my heart.

Hearing your voice again felt like home.
Hearing your laugh felt so comforting.
You still know me so well.
I can't believe that after all this time you can still make my heart happy.

But, of course, me being me... I'm scared of talking to you like this again.
I keep thinking that what if we mess it up. What if we can't part in a good way this time.
I always felt proud about how we ended it the last time because it was just so calm and good and something we can always go back to.
I'm scared because I don't want to lose you for good.
How we ended before always made me think that you're always gonna be there.
We will always be a part of each others lives.
I don't wanna mess that up that’s why I'm keeping all my guards up.
You will always be in my heart. No matter what.

I love you that much that I'm willing to ignore all the signs cause I want you for keeps. I want you in my life. I want to preserve all our memories. I can't even think of a bad memory when we were together. It was just so perfect.

I'm smiling right now with teary eyes because I want this so bad but I can't.
I would rather be friends with you than try again and be nothing, you know.
Maybe that's how you know you really love someone... when you're willing to let the intimate feelings go because you don't want to mess it up and lose them.

.

So I told her my heart felt the same that it did before. It never changed. My feelings never went away, girl. My heart never closed the door.

3 & 4 of 12; Year 2019

Guess who broke her 'atleast one blog post and book per month' resolution? LOL
I'm getting so bad at writing before the month ends just cause I've been so busy with work and when I'm not busy with work, I'm stuck in bed trynna get back all the sleep I lost because of work.

So I decided to just make this my March and April post.
Of course I’m gonna make a separate post for my birthday month as always.

Books update first.
My previous book, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, wasn't really for me. I had a hard time finishing it because it didn't really interest me anymore or maybe reading it depended on my mood that day. Like some days, I liked it and I’m intrigued by it but, most days, I get bored and I feel like the story is all too deep that I can't relate anymore. The book was well written. I would love to see the movie adaptation for this.

Feb Book

I obviously haven't finish my next book which is 'The Alchemist'.
I looooooove this book even if I haven’t finish it. Would definitely talk about it on my next post when I finish it. I just have to manage my time more. I feel like I don't really accomplish much outside of work now. I feel like I'm just working all the time.

Enough about books.
Other update about me...
I had my ears pierced. One on my left earlobe and one on my right upper cartilage that has already closed because I removed because the earring was making the piercing too big.
I have developed a liking for Maki. lol
I had a chance to catch up with Judee and Kat. Also with Tanya and Kate. I love how bonding with them still feels normal even if we don't talk to each other everyday.
I had a lot of compliments from the team and onshore teammates this sprint. I don't know why I feel so motivated with work.
What else? Life has been steady but busy.
I had a crush on my onshore but, as of this writing, I don’t anymore. lol
I have friends at work now yay

March and April flew by so fast I swear.
I have a lot of books pending, I should definitely find time reading.
Always thankful to the best guy up there for everyday ♡

Dear self circa 2019,

This is a reminder that you made it.
This blog has always helped me during my lowest times.
Whenever I'm in that phase, I would just read through my past posts to remind myself how far I've become, how much I've dealt with and that whatever it is I am currently going through, I can and I will always surpass it.

6 months ago, I was probably lying in bed, feeling so unmotivated & debating with myself if I should push through with my Taiwan trip without a plan or anything.
6 months ago, I was recalling everything that happened for the past couple months and how I was so naive and how much it all drained and traumatized the fuck outta me.
6 months ago, I was feeling so frustrated because I suck at making my own decisions that made me be a version of myself that I swear I wouldn't go back to.
6 months ago, I had endless whys.
6 months ago, I felt so lost.

But today, 6 months felt like forever ago. I no longer recognize that version of me.
I can honestly say that I've made a big progress on loving and trusting myself again.
I don't feel lost anymore. I still have my whys but I don't dwell on them anymore.
I don't feel unmotivated anymore... except on my lazy days. lol
I feel motivated to go to work and it really helped being in a new project and meeting new work friends or just seeing old work friends.
I still have those hormonal-moody-overly sensitive kind of days.
But maybe that's how the universe tells me that I'm still human and that I'm not numb or emotionally unavailable. lol

But, seriously, I love myself now. I've learned how to love myself more again.
I am slowly but surely making myself whole again.
I don't feel lonely even when I'm alone. I feel more motivated to explore and learn new stuff.
I just feel like I'm full of life. I have that adrenaline rush to do everything I want to do.

image from Pinterest

If I'm reading this right now, I'm probably feeling like shit.
I just want myself to know that it's okay to feel like shit today but I better snap out it by tomorrow because I'm not a weak ass bitch.
I've come this far, I've been through a lot and I've always come out stronger. I will always will.
Everything really happens for a reason. We all just have to be patient and trust that God has a plan for us.

Very random

Hi! I just felt like blogging today mainly because I need to vent.

I want to get these emotions off my system because I don't want it anymore.

I don't want these emotions... I feel so weak... defeated... marupok.

Today, I woke up feeling like I didn't wanna go to work so I decided to work from home.

There was a production issue, so I had to fix it. Worked on it all day.

Had the chance to catch up with Matt after a long time – *cue in Happier by Ed Sheeran* lol

Haven't talk to him for so long cause, to be honest, I've been out of it since this year has started.

I wanted to do better and then I got back to morning shift and I had to adjust to a lot of stuff and also the fact that I somehow got jealous with him making Savannah jealous. LOL OKAY I DIDN’T THINK BOUT THAT BEFORE I WROTE IT LOL.

Anyway, so, he's seeing someone now. 

I know, I know. I shouldn't even feel this way anymore cause we're friends and he has always been there for me and it's not like he really liked me and all that but damnnnnn it stings a bit. Okay, a whole bit. A little. I probably sound so stupid right now. It's crazy how it has been on my mind all day. I even went to the gym so I can just make it go away. Endorphins! Endorphins!

You know what's crazier? Randomly finding old photos and conversations we had before. I was so happy and comfortable. But I know... Matt and I will always be just a dream. My favorite what if.

He met me during his younger years and now he has grown. He has grown into a man any woman will be lucky to have. In my opinion, Matt is the kind of guy who will just get the real you, the whats and the whys. He's not the usual type of guy I typically meet. In the couple years I've known him, I was always been the immature one. lol I would always pick fights with him and he never ever ever ever gave up on my stubborn ass. It surprised me how he values our friendship and I'm not just some person who can just disappear and he wouldn’t care.

Anyway, I've been staring at my laptop for 3 minutes now and I don't know what else to say. I needed to talk about this so bad earlier that I messaged Tyler but he said he was with his girlfriend and they're watching movies. Gym didn't really help but it was so nice to run again. I cooked but I think cooking stresses me out cause I feel pressured to make it edible or good to eat. I made egg spread for my breakfast tomorrow. But still... here I am... trying to just get this out of my system.

I keep on repeating to myself that I'll get over this. I'll bury myself with work and I'll be fine in no time.

Just act normal, act okay until you really feel normal and okay.

It has been so long since I wrote a random post like this and I can’t believe it's about Matt.

When Matt first told me about Savannah, I grew to the idea of it and thought that Savannah was a lucky girl and after everything she went through during her past relationship, she deserves the happiness Matt can bring her cause I know how relationships like that can do to you.

And just like that, I don’t know how to end this post anymore.

I know I’ll be able to get it out of my system. Eventually. One of these days. Maybe not tomorrow but eventually.