08/29

Was it all in my head?

I can't wait for this month to be over.

A lot has happened to me this month but I'm glad that everything is okay now.

Just praying for my Mommy's fast recovery now.

God is still so good after everything that has happened. He never fails.

I don't usually blog about family on my blog cause I think that's too personal for me and I feel kinda protective with them so I'm not gonna elaborate more... Just glad that my Mommy's okay now.

Update with me...

Well, I broke the "Don't message Tyler" streak. I know. I hate myself for that.

He messaged me first. I so gave him cold, dull answers but when he asked what happened.. that's when I caved in. It used to be him who I tell everything going on with me and now we're struggling for small talks. It sucks but all for the best. Everything has changed now. I just have to get used to it.

Matt and I don't talk as much either anymore.

I don't know. Savannah's back, so, I guess, he really doesn't need the company anymore.

All good though. I totally understand.. and besides, I was the one who talked much anyway. I don't wanna be a bother. Wish them well.

Right now, all I can feel is that I'm tired, I wanna sleep.

Pre occupied with what I have to do with work and with family stuff.

All is well

Don't forget about me

I don't want to be selfish but I don't want you to meet someone that will make you forget about me

So that's final.
I suck at the fading into not talking cause I always end up waiting for messages.
It makes me sad thinking how we used to talk like every day then struggling to make small talks now.
So I did what had to do and should've done days ago... I let go.

As I was reading through my Reddit account comments, I saw an answer I posted like 3 months ago.
The question was "If you had $100,000 what would you do tomorrow?" and my answer was so pathetic, "Apply for a visa and buy plane tickets to New Mexico. Put the rest to savings.". How naive is that right? How can that be my first thought knowing I have a hundred thousand dollars? I feel somewhat stupid.

I can't still promise that this will be the last post about him but I know that time will come. It will.

On the bright side, I am better than I was last weekend.
I can smile and I can laugh. I can somehow drown my mind with other stuff like work and talk to friends.
I've been aloof with Matt lately. I don't know. I just feel like it's different now. The situation has changed since Savannah is back and I understand that. I'm not complaining. It's just... Idk. I don't know how to explain it. But yeah.

Overall, I'm 40% okay. Hoping for the best!












You came along at the wrong place at the right time.. or was it me?

さようなら

This is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night

So this is it. The last day.
The last day I'm gonna let you get inside my head.
I know we've said good bye but why did you have to talk to me as if nothing was wrong after it?
I wish I knew this day will happen, I would've just left after saying 'hey'.
If I did, I wouldn't be teary eyed at 2:30 in the afternoon because the thought of you is haunting me.
I know this post is long over due but how can I let go someone who gave me so much to remember?

I don't know what to do.. or maybe I do but I'm just too weak to accept it.
Matt has been a great confidant with all these drama and crap but, of course, I can't depend on him forever. Especially now that Savannah is back. I don't wanna be selfish but it still makes me feel so jealous. I don't wanna be selfish but I sounded so selfish now.
Dice and Nian have been such a great cheerleaders too. Lol my INSTP friends looking out for me but I know they have their own drama to deal with too.

I don't wanna feel this way anymore.
I hate you for making me feel this.
I feel numb from all other emotions except pain and sadness.
I wish I never met you.
I wish I just let you walked away the first time we fought.
I wish I just continued walking away when I was so done with all your mixed signals.
I know they said that it happens for a reason. Everything does.
But whatever reason you happened, I don't want it.
I just want you out of my system.
I want you out of my life.

8/20 Backtrack

I got this heavy heart.

He didn't message me all day.

He opened my message & didn't reply.

All good though. I don't mind. It's nothing.

I swear after this weekend, I'm over it. I'm gonna just move on.

I'm so pissed at myself for being so whiny about this.

And now, I'm just reading through all the messages I saved on our Snapchat conversation.

February 21

Get ur visa.ill even help u buy a ticket

- This was when he got so pissed at me. I was seeing Sam then. I got pissed at him for saying this too cause he knows I'm not like that.

March 1

Love u hahah

Nothing. Hope u start feeling better soon

- This was when I was feeling so sick/under the weather

March 2

Miss ya tho homez

- We talk every fucking day but he still says this, well used to say this, randomly.

March 4

Meh u look way better than the scenery lol

Ur laugh was too cute haha

- This was when I sent him a video of where I was at. I can't quite remember where was I then though

March 24

Lol yay u finally got jealous

- This was when I got jealous because he was talking to someone else

March 25

Show the video im about to send to angry mama

- This was when I sent him a video of my momma who was pissed at me

March 30

Also mad's not the right word. Hurt, i was hurt u were fine with just not talking lol

- This was when we fought about something and he then got mad cause I was jealous then I said we should just stop talking

Gomen ne. あいしてる~~

- Apparently, it means Sorry and I love you *rolling my eyes emoji*

March 31

I was relieved when u said sam got with his ex lol. Was a bit jealous

- Randomly told me this because... I don't know either.

April 6

Just say it. Better than thinking ur not gonna talk to me anymore. N ur not the only one btw

- This was when I got pissed at him and didn't reply back all night.

I haven't met u in person n still feel like i miss u bahahah

- This was when we were talking bout him leaving Japan and moving to NM

April 8

Stop being cute damnit

April 9

Sleeeeeep. Love ya, enjoy the beach boo zzz

May 24

Haha. Looks good. Just saying ur gonna have to put up with guys tryin to pick u up if u wear it lol

- When I showed him what I was gonna wear out

I'm so torturing myself more for what I am doing right now. Lol

I'm lame as fuck.