08/19

02:17 PM
What was once inseparable pair is now struggling to make small talks
Struggling as fuck.
He messaged me first again earlier.
Replying to my morning Snapchat with a caption of "Guess who was supposed to just take a "nap" before studying but just woke up now". He asked what am I studying for.
He replied last though. I didn't know what to reply with his "Lol"
What am I supposed to say? "Lol too"? Lol
I sound so pathetic. Huhu

12:29 PM
I don't know why I'm constantly updating my blog since yesterday?
Lol I have Twitter but people are so judgmental lol
And this blog is like my comfort zone. No one is allowed to judge me but myself. Lol
Anyway, still no messages from Tyler after the "Lol" msg lol
This playlist is the only thing keeping me together right now... Thanks Kelvin!


03:33 PM
How can you still talk to him after everything that he did to break your heart?
Why do you even want to?
Why are you still waiting on his messages?
I feel so pathetic

09:41 PM
Sooooooo..... I don't know why but I think I'm getting better at this.
I mean, yeah, he messaged me na but it's like I'm programming myself to be okay.
It's like I'm slowly standing up and putting my guards up again. Thank you, Lord.
Lol. Maybe it all just caught me off guard that I reacted so oa.
Thank you for Kelvin's playlist. I like to believe that that's one of the reasons why I feel a bit ok now :)

08/18

12:40 PM
And then you became a name that I couldn't take without feeling a strange ache in my heart

It's pathetic but the first thing I did when I opened my eyes today was look at my phone, hoping and looking for any notifications from you but none...
Can I just fast forward to the day that I'm already over and done with it?
I'm so close to messaging you right now.
"So that's it?"
& you probably won't reply but I don't know. I want to know if you to feel what I'm feeling too.
Are you thinking of me too?
Do you smile when you watch my Snapchat stories? I know you still watch it cause you're on the views.
I can't help but wonder what's going on in your mind.
Do you still think "god, I love your laugh" when you hear my laugh like you used to tell me?
Do you still say "Stop being cute, I'm mad at you" when you see my face like you used to tell me?

I'm so mad. I'm so mad for thinking all these.
I'm so mad at myself cause I can't get over it.
I'm so mad that all I wanna do is message you, say everything and block you cause I'm too weak to even wait for you to answer.
I'm so mad for being a fun sucker bothering my friends with all my drama. Sorry Matt, if you're reading this
Okay, I almost broke down writing that that I had to call Johnaley (Best girl friend) to keep me sane.
I don't know what's real anymore

I'm so scared.
I'm so scared to get buried in this sadness.
I have kept myself together for a long time now and this one just hit me hard.
It hurt with what happened with Derek but it hurts more as fuck now with this.
Cause maybe with Derek, I had no choice but to let go because of the situation and we ended on good terms.
But with you, it was just all a mess. I'm a mess right now.
It was just the other day before this all happened, we skyped for a couple hours, talking about random stuff like you wanting to take me to this place when I go there. It was all so nice...
I miss your cat.
I miss you more though.

I’ve deleted you from all the platforms we’ve used in the past to communicate… but why am I still thinking about you...

01:41 PM
He fucking messaged me.
I don't know what to say. My nerves are freaking out and there's something inside my chest that is beating so loud.

02:17 PM
Why are we talking like nothing happened?
Why does it feel like we never said goodbye?
I am still afraid that you will stop responding to my messages and that it would hurt more.
Literally feeling pain in my chest when I breathe. Is that weird? Lol wtf is happening
I'm not suicidal. Fyi but god, you're making me crazy

03:23 PM
This is so bad.
This is such a bad idea.
We keep on messaging.
Every time I reply to your messages, it makes me anxious if I will get a reply back.
I'm so scared waiting then finding out you already read my message and didn't reply.
I sound so pathetic.
Pero ginusto ko to eh
Pls just leave gradually. At least that way, I know we're okay. I can pretend we're okay

05:05 PM
I don't know when this will end.
I don't know if you're just gonna suddenly stop responding or what.
I don't know.
This is so confusing.
How can we be so comfortable with each other? Lol

08:24 PM
Ayoko na.
Sinasaktan ko na lang sarili ko.
I don't know why I feel so vulnerable right now.
I've been so okay. So okay. I almost thought I didn't have a heart anymore cause I can't feel anything.
But now, I feel so vulnerable with Tyler. Lame.
Ayoko na. Tama na to.

Fuck apologies

You would even tell two lies to prove that you were right

I feel so stupid being so sad on this post (This post has been removed).
I felt like I was the one who ruined us.
I felt like I was the one who kept ruining us.
I felt like crap thinking bout it all.
And for what? Just to find out that we were never really okay for her. That I wasn't really her best friend. (I know I sounded so high school on that last sentence)

I regret pouring all my emotions into that post.
I regret ever getting back in contact with her when Cody and her broke up.
I regret ever trying to make the friendship work.
Cause I know we got issues before but I tried so hard to just forget bout it and trust her again.

I know I have said mean, crappy shit bout her out of anger and out of the things Giana told me she did and said behind my back.
I didn't even deny it when she confronted me.
I know it was wrong. I admitted I was wrong but hell to be betrayed like that.
I felt so betrayed cause it happened when I thought we were still cool.. when it was still okay.
All I wanted was for her to know how I felt but when she gave me the "I did it because of you. I was so mad at you" shit. I had it.
She can't blame me for doing that. She can't blame me for her infidelity.
She did that to herself. I don't even regret anything I did. But I feel sad that it caused me Tyler and, also that I hurt Pfister's feelings.
I can't put it all into details here, so I'll leave it like that, drop it and move on.

Safe to say that I will never make up with her.
I feel nothing for her. I don't regret what I did.
She made it my business when she said she did it because of me which is pure bullshit.
I don't want to do anything to do with her, hell, I want her outta my life.
I wish her nothing cause I don't give two shits bout her and her life anymore, really

And yes, this is the last post about her

Random nonsense 3:13 am thoughts

I can't sleep. Too much caffeine in my system.
Overthinking about stuff.
Why does my heart crave for pain?
Why do I choose the hard way rather than just going for the one delivered to me on a silver platter?
Does my heart need the pain for me to know that I have a heart?
Am I just reading this all wrong?
Is this all in my head?
Why does he always make it look like there's a chance for whatever this is?
Why do I feel like I want this?

But I probably shouldn't