2:42 PM

Cause I still love you, this I must confess
I guess I still need you, I feel I have to tell you this again
Yes, I still want you, no, this wasn't in my plan
So if I interrupted anything, I promise I won't call you again

I was running late. I overslept. Opened my Instagram and saw he uploaded a new picture... with her.
I can't help but wonder if he sees my face or remembers me whenever he calls her 'baby'.
Yeah, he calls her baby too. Well, he used to call me that.
I sound so pathetic right now. I know.
I am writing this with an overflowing heart with emotions I don't even know how to describe.
I'm angry but I'm also happy. I'm sad but I'm also understanding.
I don't know which is which. I think I'm crazy.

I'm angry... at myself.
For saying he should just work it out with her for the baby.
For saying it's all okay and that I understand.
For saying we can still be friends as if it doesn't hurt.

I'm happy because having a kid is a blessing.
And because... I don't know. I'm just happy that he seems happy.

I'm sad for selfish reasons.
Because I miss him. I miss us.
I miss how we used to be.
I miss everything about him.
I'm sad for the plans we made.
For the things we said that I'll be forever wondering if he meant everything he said.

But I understand.
I truly understand that the situation... I am just in denial right now.
I understand that he has a responsibility now and that it should be his number one priority.
I understand.

It just hurts. I thought time heals but it feels like, every time I wake up, the pain is still there.
It doesn't seem to go away.
I can't help wish I was her but, hey, that's fine

2:48 AM

It's funny how I find myself typing so fast when you replied to my text so that we can text in real time.

I miss how I can get responses from you so easy.

I miss you waking me up in the middle of the night because you miss me and time zone diff sucks.

I miss your voice, I miss your laugh, I miss you.

I miss everything about you.

I miss you so much that it hurts.

It feels like something inside me is dying.

I know I said that I'm happy because you're happy...

So, I guess, these tears are happy tears.

I love you, baby.

My sunshine

I miss you.

I don't want to blog about him but I just have to.
Because I badly need to get him out of my head.

We started talking more than a year ago, but,  a few weeks later, we stopped.
I don't know why either.
About a couple months ago, we started talking again. Like every day.
The communication was consistent. He texts me everytime he gets a chance, yes, even on his bathroom breaks at work or calling me on his 30 minutes lunch break even if it's 2 in the morning for me. And I appreciated those kinds of effort.

We didn't have a label but we knew the feeling was mutual.
We had plans and all that. It wasn't toxic.
He would always tell me how he cares and loves me. Cared and loved. Or whatever.
Everything was okay. It was not perfect but it was better.
He knew how to handle me. He knew how to make my cold heart melt.
He knew how to tolerate my mood swings.
I can still remember the time when I told him that we should stop talking(I'm so moody), the moment I sent the "We should stop talking" text, he called me. Asking me why, asking me what did he do wrong, asking me what can he do to make it okay. We talked for hours and he made it all okay, indeed.
He was the type of guy who doesn't care if he appears to be clingy. He called me 80+ times before and he couldn't care less.

But, then, when I thought everything is okay... fate decided to be a bitch.
I didn't know why all his "I don't want to share you. Blah blah. We are exclusive. You're mine" speech turned into "I'm not forbidding you to talk to other guys. Blah blah. The distance is big. It can work out but there's a big chance it won't. Blah blah. I'm just saying you shouldn't stop yourself to date just because of me" shit.
Texts and calls started to fade a week ago. I was thinking maybe work was shit since he has to work double shifts for the holiday. He told me it was gonna be busy waaaaay before it got busy.
New Year's passed and, I know, it was time to ask what was wrong.
I was thinking maybe he was the one who found someone else, that's why he was telling me that shitty speech.. but knowing him, he wouldn't do that to me.
So yesterday, I asked him if I did something wrong. He told me that I didn't do anything wrong and that he was sorry. I asked him if I said something wrong or if he meet someone else or he just lost interest but he answered with a "No you didn't do anything. It's me".
I said "Tell me. So I know." then he answered with an "I had a baby. I didn't know if it was mine or not but, apparently, it is". That's when my heart went numb. I couldn't feel anything.
It hurt, big time, but I guess it was better knowing it from him than any other way. He also said he didn't know how to tell and that he is really sorry and asked if we can still be friends.
Truth be told, I didn't get mad. I truly understand because I can feel that he was sincere and that it was hard for him too. He didn't know what to do. So me being me, I said we can still be friends and told him to try hard to make it work with the mother. After all, she is the mother of his son. I'm not that selfish to keep him and, definitely, not a homewrecker to be mad at him for having a baby.

I may be hurt about everything but this will pass. I know it will.
It will be hard not to think about it, and I may drown myself with work for now but, eventually, it will all be okay.
I am happy for him with everything. He posted pictures of his son on Instagram and he is very cute, just like him. I may try to deny it but he will always have that space in my heart.

Falling for a fuckboy

Last December 30, Olongapo City Fiesta.
Usually, I spend lunch at my Grandma's and watch the parade with friends.
But this year, I spent it a lot different but it was all fun.

I hung out with my best friend, her boyfriend and her boyfriend's best friend.
We have previously hung out once before Dec 30. Had drinks and played pool.
We were supposed to go to Ocean Adventure but ended up staying in the hotel for the rest of the day.
Tyler and Anri fell asleep easily lol
Cory and I can't find sleep though, so, we ended up watching Discovery Channel. We talked a lot too. Which is good. Next thing I know was we were all cuddly... which was nice too. :>
I learned a lot about him as much as he learned things about me. He definitely knows my weakness now... Tickles. Lol I'm a sucker for tickling because I have tons of ticklish spots. But I made him promise to no tickling so I didn't die. Lol. It was comforting and nice cuddling with him. He was very gentleman and sweet. Okay. Enough. Haha

We left the hotel at 8 PM, went to Willi's.
I'll admit I got drunk. We all did. It was good. Even though being drunk made me think things too much.
There was a time that they said that each of us should pick a song and sing.
And me being me, I was so shy. I have never sung with strangers around because I don't think I'm good enough but I don't wanna be a fun sucker, so I did.

That's when it started. I mean, Cory is nice. Funny. No dull moment. Was so patient teaching me how to play pool. He is attractive.. his eyes are too die for.
But, I know, I know, he's a fuckboy. Literally a fuckboy. A non-relationship, don't wanna commit to anyone kind of guy. In fact, he's the only one who doesn't have a girlfriend in their circle of friends.
I knew from the very start that he is a fuckboy, that was why I was so guarded. I don't wanna catch feelings for someone I don't even have a chance being with...

But I did.
Song ended and he smiled at me.
I don't know if it was all over my face that I felt so shy because he suddenly talked to me and assured me that I sounded so great. His words, not mine. He kept saying things to make me believe that I can sing. If his eyes can make something melt, I probably did. He just sounded so sincere. I can't help but believe it. I know, I know, never trust a fuckboy but after that night, I can't stop singing. He somehow made me believe in myself. Boosted my self-confidence.

It sucks that I can't stop thinking about him.
It sucks that I know things that should send me running.
It sucks that we can never be.
It sucks that he's gonna go back to his own life a few days from now and I'm gonna go back to mine.
It sucks but I don't feel like I'm losing because I gained from it even if we're nothing.
This feeling that I'm feeling will pass, I know it. And I hope so.
But the confidence and faith in myself that he helped me gain, I will have that forever. :)