My sunshine

I miss you.

I don't want to blog about him but I just have to.
Because I badly need to get him out of my head.

We started talking more than a year ago, but,  a few weeks later, we stopped.
I don't know why either.
About a couple months ago, we started talking again. Like every day.
The communication was consistent. He texts me everytime he gets a chance, yes, even on his bathroom breaks at work or calling me on his 30 minutes lunch break even if it's 2 in the morning for me. And I appreciated those kinds of effort.

We didn't have a label but we knew the feeling was mutual.
We had plans and all that. It wasn't toxic.
He would always tell me how he cares and loves me. Cared and loved. Or whatever.
Everything was okay. It was not perfect but it was better.
He knew how to handle me. He knew how to make my cold heart melt.
He knew how to tolerate my mood swings.
I can still remember the time when I told him that we should stop talking(I'm so moody), the moment I sent the "We should stop talking" text, he called me. Asking me why, asking me what did he do wrong, asking me what can he do to make it okay. We talked for hours and he made it all okay, indeed.
He was the type of guy who doesn't care if he appears to be clingy. He called me 80+ times before and he couldn't care less.

But, then, when I thought everything is okay... fate decided to be a bitch.
I didn't know why all his "I don't want to share you. Blah blah. We are exclusive. You're mine" speech turned into "I'm not forbidding you to talk to other guys. Blah blah. The distance is big. It can work out but there's a big chance it won't. Blah blah. I'm just saying you shouldn't stop yourself to date just because of me" shit.
Texts and calls started to fade a week ago. I was thinking maybe work was shit since he has to work double shifts for the holiday. He told me it was gonna be busy waaaaay before it got busy.
New Year's passed and, I know, it was time to ask what was wrong.
I was thinking maybe he was the one who found someone else, that's why he was telling me that shitty speech.. but knowing him, he wouldn't do that to me.
So yesterday, I asked him if I did something wrong. He told me that I didn't do anything wrong and that he was sorry. I asked him if I said something wrong or if he meet someone else or he just lost interest but he answered with a "No you didn't do anything. It's me".
I said "Tell me. So I know." then he answered with an "I had a baby. I didn't know if it was mine or not but, apparently, it is". That's when my heart went numb. I couldn't feel anything.
It hurt, big time, but I guess it was better knowing it from him than any other way. He also said he didn't know how to tell and that he is really sorry and asked if we can still be friends.
Truth be told, I didn't get mad. I truly understand because I can feel that he was sincere and that it was hard for him too. He didn't know what to do. So me being me, I said we can still be friends and told him to try hard to make it work with the mother. After all, she is the mother of his son. I'm not that selfish to keep him and, definitely, not a homewrecker to be mad at him for having a baby.

I may be hurt about everything but this will pass. I know it will.
It will be hard not to think about it, and I may drown myself with work for now but, eventually, it will all be okay.
I am happy for him with everything. He posted pictures of his son on Instagram and he is very cute, just like him. I may try to deny it but he will always have that space in my heart.