Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well
I meant to blog about this the night after we talked.
But I don't know if I'm feeling numb or it just doesn't have that effect on me anymore?
I didn't even cry during the entire phone call. Well, I may have been teary eyed but not really cried.
I was letting it all sink in for days now... Every unwanted answer he said, every revelation he made.
It was as if I already expected everything.
Like I have all the answers in my head and he confirmed it all.
The pain came or is continuously coming by waves.
One moment I'll be just fine thinking about it but the next I find myself having that betrayed-depressing-fooled kind of feeling.
It just felt like it was so easy for him to say all of it.
He has his life fixed but, still, it was his choice not to come back to us or forget about me, to them.
I know, the guys miss him so much and it sucks to know that I'm the reason why he's so distant now.
It was a platonic kind of thing for me but it all turned out that it wasn't for him.
It was just a game and we all know who lost in the end right? Me.
I lost all my courage that night.
I asked all the questions I was so scared to ask.
From asking if he's gonna get married na down to if he regrets everything.
What hurts is that all this time I thought he didn't pick me, turned out I wasn't even a choice. At all.
He only wanted me when he was lonely.
What hurts, even more, is that he did. He regrets everything.
No matter how painful it was, how painful everything ended, I never regretted it.
Just because it was something that made me happy. Made me feel alive.
It made me think if he didn't fix everything with her, would he say those things he said to me that night? If he was still broken and lost, like me, will he say he regrets it still?
I told them we talked.
They wanna know everything. Just because I was so down and not myself when I told them.
I told them his answer when I asked him if he plans to come back, maybe not the way it was before but... just to come back. I told them he is planning on it but he doesn't want her to feel bothered when he does. I was even prepared to just forget everything as long as he comes back.
I wanted to say more, about why I was feeling like shit, but I just can't.
I can't put it to words. It felt like I can't find the words that will justify to how I'm feeling.
Maybe that's the reason, too, why it took me days to write about it in this blog.
When Charles and Pew left, I meant like they started to not hang out with us often, it hurt me like a bitch.
I didn't understand how it was easy for them to just go and forget.
I told Alexon about it. I don't know if he remembers but I did tell him about it.
I told him how I was so mad and how I was so hurt. And I even joked about how he will find himself a girlfriend and leave me too. He said, he won't. He promised he won't... but he did.
It was so nice to hear how happy his life has been. With her. Without us, his friends. Without me.
That conversation made me remember all the wounds I forgot I have.
But it also made me feel like nothing has changed. Like he was the same guy who would accompany me when I want to buy at the canteen, like the same guy who didn't leave me when I needed a friend.
But the pain came the moment we ended that call, almost 5 in the morning.
I even forced myself to sleep just to not feel it. Woke up 5 in the afternoon.
It all hurt so bad that I started fucking up everything I have right now.
A guy I'm dating right now and I even fought last night because I felt so fucked up.
I tried to end things with him and, of course, he got mad. He's still mad.
It all made me realize that I had the answers.
I was just too numb and dumb to admit it to myself. Or maybe I didn't want to.
As much as I want to fix everything with her, I just don't know how to.
I mean, it's not like we were friends before it all.
We were never even friends. She came in the middle of what we had. If we had anything at all.
I can't get the thought of fixing it with her when we don't even have anything to fix at all.
Of course, it would be nice to have that peace. Like when we see each other in public, there will be that light feeling between us. But as I've said, I don't know how if I don't know what to fix.
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| We found wonderland. You and I got lost in it. |
I know this ain't the last time I'll blog about it but I hope it gets better.
