turning around & pretending i dont love you

Here I go again.
Here I go entering my "heartless, idgaf" phase.
I always get like that whenever I try to let go of someone I still have feelings for.

I pretend I don't like that person.
I pretend I don't care about that person.
I pretend that my feelings don't exist.
I pretend until it becomes real.

How can someone say "you deserve someone better" but their face tells you "wait for me"?
It hurts when you say how you're "never good enough" or you're "not worth it" cause you are.
Someday, you will see how I see you. You'll see how amazing you are.
It doesn't matter if I'm there when that happens, I just want you to see you how I see you.

I always say, "I wish I can have you forever".
I still do.
I still wish that, someday, we can be.
Maybe in this lifetime, maybe in another lifetime.

I hope you smile whenever you remember me.
Cause I do. I smile whenever I think about you.
How can I hate you?
How can I make myself hate you?
How? Just how?

In 5 years, I would still be thankful for you.
In 5 years, this will all be memories but I'll always remember it with a smile, cause in this lifetime you loved me and i loved you.
We almost had it all.

Is that it?

4AM and I'm falling apart.
One of those days where you feel your heart breaking.
I got this habit of making a blog post about someone just when I'm ready to close my chapter with them.
I still got his' on my drafts. The post is done but I just can't publish it yet.
Make it final. Make it real.

We were something, don't you think so?
But this is the end.
My heart aches so bad. So bad.
I thought I couldn't cry anymore but I guess I was in denial.

How can I still feel thankful while my heart is aching this bad?
How can I still think you're an amazing guy while cry my heart out because of you?
It's funny cause I do. I still do.

And if my wishes came true, it would've been you

One more day

It has been a long time since I wrote here.
I hate to sound cliché but this pandemic is just making my mental health worse.
I've become more unmotivated and sadder. I just wanna sleep most of the time.
I didn't even blog during my birthday month... which sucks cause I always do.

Everyday I've been preparing myself for all of this to fade away.
It still feels like a dream whenever you say that you love me.
The feeling is still surreal.
How can someone as amazing as you see something good with someone as damaged as me?

Even if I lose you tomorrow, I know I'll still be thankful knowing someone like you.
I've been saying this since the day you brought joy to my heart and I still mean it today.
I wish I met you first.
Maybe it would've been easier, maybe it would've been waaaay different.
But I didn't. I didn't meet you first.

My heart ached when you said, "I wish I met you sooner".
My heart ached when you said, "I don't want you to leave me".
My heart ached when you said, "My mom wants to meet you so bad cause she wants to know first hand why I'm head over heels over you".
My heart ached when you said, "I just don't want to get cheated or played with".
My heart ached when you said, "I know it's useless to say anything, so I'm just going to show you".
You make my heart ache in a good way.. In the best way on how I never thought someone would feel like that with me. The way I never thought it could feel like.
That overwhelming and warm feeling in my chest.

I can only wish this could last. Forever.
I keep on asking for 'one more day' with the universe and I know, one day, I would ran out of that.
But, for now, I would savor it.
I'd gladly accept all the pain that this might cause me if it means I get more time with you.

Just give me all of you in exchange for me

Unfinished

Just when I was ready to let you go..
Just when I've accepted that we're just gonna be friends..
I thought it was a dream, a beautiful dream, but then I woke up and you were still there.

You were dropping hints that you like me more than a friend.
I wasn't taking it seriously.
But it was when you said, "I'm so happy. It's like falling in love again", that made my heart ache.. in a good way.. and in a bad way.
I don't know if that made my heart skipped a beat but it somewhat felt like that.
How can a heart like yours love a heart like mine?

Everything feels so perfect right now.
Despite me being me, overthinking and all my emotional baggage.
It feels surreal and just.. perfect.

But, I know, I eventually have to let you go.
I wish I didn't have to.
Maybe that's just why it happened this way.
Universe wants me to take this feeling with me, so when I remember you, I'll remember that someone as awesome like you loved someone like me.

I need to pick this up some other time cause I feel... blank.
I've been trynna continue or say more in this but all I can feel is my heart breaking.
Prolly PMS or whatever. so yeah

Dahil una pa lang, alam naman nating mayroong hangganan
At kahit ipilit, hanggang dito na lang.. Hindi tayo pwede