There is always hope

Am I in love with you or am I in love with the feeling?

I don't know how many times I wished what I and someone have could last.
And yes, I'm guilty of deleting a few recent blog posts just because they make my heart ache reading them and how I was so in love and happy and hopeful that it will work.
I mean, it was a mutual decision. It wasn't working. & that's when I lost faith in long distance relationships.
But fate is very tricky that even if I wasn't even looking, it continues to make someone walk into my life and give me hope that this time it will work and be really worth it.

Shake it like a polaroid picture

I have been itching to buy an Instax camera for months now.
I just like how old school it is and how instant I can get the photos.
I was about to buy a Fujifilm Instax Mini 8 but decided against it because it's too common and I found out about Fujifilm Instax Wide 210/300. Plus the 99 x 62mm picture size was one of the things that made me interested in it.
So, impulsive me decided to buy the Wide 300 weeks ago in Lazada. Bought it for Php 6, 650. Got it delivered the other night. Tested it last night.
Buying the Wide films at the mall is a struggle. Most films available are for Instax Mini.

As I've said, I tested it last night.
The left picture was my first shot. Mistakenly adjusted the lens to 3m to infinity. That's why it's blurry and too bright, overexpose. But, still, it looks good.
Right picture was my second try, used the close-up lens adapter, with a 90cm to 3m focus. Perfect for selfies! Hahaha I love it!

Found this useful Fujifilm Instax Wide 300 review. ☺

Timeless

All your love is was all I ever known

Last night was an interesting night.
I went to my friend's brother's birthday and my ex was there.
It was the first time we were in the same place after the break-up.
I didn't expect anything. I didn't expect him to say hi but he did.
And as the night got deeper, he even sat beside me.
It was a bit awkward for me, considering how we parted ways.
And out of nowhere, he asked me if I have a boyfriend. I said yes.
He asked where he is. I said it's long distance.
I didn't ask if he has a girlfriend because I don't even wanna know.
But still, he said it. He said he has a girlfriend and it was complicated.
Then, later on, I don't even know how he opened up about the break-up.
He said that I caught him off guard when I said I thought we broke up 2 weeks ago.
That's when I finally had the chance to explain to him my side.
How it was for me when we broke up, and I guess, I hope he understood it.
I closed the topic with an "At least okay ka na, okay na ko. It was all for the better" and he replied with a "Hindi din." while looking at me with those sad eyes.
I can't help but feel sad because I know everything was so hard. But I can't help to notice that I don't feel anything new with him. It all felt familiar, safe, and shit. It frightened me how familiar it felt.
I know he was trying to read me, assess how I was feeling.
I can't count how many times he said "Kilala kita." and "Dati naman..." and shits like that.
He even told me to fix my hair, guess he wasn't a fan of my curly hair. Lol
It was like he was telling me how much I changed and I was still the same me at the same time.

Overall, last night was for the better.
It was the closure we both needed. Actual closure.
When he walked me home, when we were about to part ways, I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Should I give him a fist bump or a high five or a hug? But typical me said, "Di ko alam" then he laughed then said "Di mo alam. Haha lika nga dito" and he hugged me.

It was a breathe of fresh air.
I guess, now, we can be friends. No odd feeling anymore. Bittersweet.

I was red and you were blue

When our project manager told us couple months ago that our project will be relocated in Global One, Eastwood, I *silently* wished to be rolled off.
One, because it's too far from where I live. The commute is shit. I hate taking the train.
Two, because I will miss McKinley. I will miss everyone. Attachment issues, I know.
And three, Alexon will be there. I can't bear being in the same place and having that thought that if we cross each others path, it just gives me that heavy feeling. Heavy feeling of seeing an old friend or whatever you used to be so close with and now you don't even acknowledge each other kind of feeling.

After three weeks of being here, the day I wish to never come came.
It caught me off guard. I wasn't even supposed to go out but I don't know what force made me go with my work mates.
Honestly, I already forgot what he looks like in person. It has been more than two years, I think.
Over-exaggerating but my world really stopped for a moment. Not in a lovesick kinda way.
It was the feeling of seeing a long time friend for the first time again.
I don't know if that was even counted as a casual encounter.
It was so awkward. Not lying.
He gave me a very short "uy" in a very low voice that I can still hear.
I just gave him an awkward low wave with a short "hi".
After that, I didn't feel anything. At all. Which is not surprising.
I'm sure I don't feel anything more than friendship because if I'll re-read everything I wrote about him in this blog right now, I would cringe. Lol which is a good thing I guess.

*sigh*
All I know is that I miss him and I'm pretty sure the guys miss him too.
And it kills me that I know why he isn't hanging out with us anymore.
Oh, regrets.

But everything happens for a reason right.
I'm just glad that I'm okay now.
And yes, it was like a closure my heart was waiting on or was looking for.
I just miss my friend now. Nothing more, nothing less.