I'm still here

I'm trying to procrastinate with work so here I am making this blog post lol

2020 is about to end and, hopefully, this pandemic goes with it too.

It has been a long year.

Didn’t get to travel but always grateful that my family is safe and healthy.

Didn't get to do most stuff I would’ve wanted to do this year but always grateful for the blessings.

This ain't my 2020 recap post yet but I gotta say that this year tested the new me.

There were down times but it's amazing how I got out of it so quickly and gracefully.

Maybe this is what all those years of heartbreak has taught me. lol

Always aiming for that. That is the end goal.

I've been spoiling myself lately. It's insane.

No regrets or guilt though.

We are all in for self love.

Nothing much to say but just wanna keep this blog active.

I'm not gonna get into the other stuff, let's save that for another post and keep this light~

Old habits

 It took me years to get over the feelings I had for you

At some point, I didn't even think we would remain friends for this long

I already closed my doors to the possibility of us

It is still closed

I don’t even know why I’m making this post but I just wanna get it all out

Cause I don’t wanna think about it anymore

It has been so long

I thought we have already outgrown our habits

We had the "we were young" card back in college

We were young, we made mistakes

We did irresponsible stuff that we don't even feel guilty or talk about like that

We're not in college anymore

I expected more from us

It wasn’t just your fault, I’m at fault too.

It takes two to tango

I feel bad for not feeling bad

I feel bad cause it was normal for us

I feel bad cause we didn’t have the need to talk about it

I feel bad cause I thought we already outgrown it

I feel bad cause we didn't feel any remorse over it

But, I guess, old habits die hard huh?

I guess, I just feel the need to feel this cause situation's different now

As selfish as it sounds, I just need to feel like a decent human being

I just need to feel like this isn't really me

But, as bad as it sounds, I guess I am

I guess we are bad people

I just hope this doesn't end up biting me in the ass

I hope as my bruises heal, this will fade out in my memory as well

To the brighter side

 Every time I try to leave, my heart won't let me

Crazy how it's November already.
We all literally spent the whole year inside of our houses. This pandemic is crap.
I've been okay. Just hanging in there.
I thought I would be making a post about us not communicating for a month but he reached out the other day, just checking up on me.
That’s the thing that makes it difficult. I can’t be mad or whatever at him cause I know he's a good guy.
I know everything that happened wasn't nothing to him. It just sucks how things are.

And I realized that maybe that was the closure I needed. All I felt when we were talking was how it was nice he was checking up on me.
That’s how I know for sure how I’m just stuck on the memories and the idea of him.
I get sad sometimes thinking of what we used to be or how I got used to talking to him literally all day, everyday about everything.
But, as I've said over and over before, nakakasanayan din.

It took me reading my old posts to somehow realize how my emotions can consume me most of the time.
Consume me in a way I would think there's no getting over that current situation anymore, when the truth is, I underestimate myself too much cause I know I am strong enough to get over it.
But I would say it's quite normal. Maybe emotions are powerful like that and that you just have to learn to snap out of it and think bout the positive side.

It's not your fault. Never be too hard on yourself. You deserve better. It ain't worth it anyway.
Those are the things I always tell myself. That and mind over matter. Just focus on the bright side.
It works most of the time but, sometimes, those emotions really got a way of being a bitch but it's okay not to be okay sometimes.

There will always be tomorrow. Doesn't matter how many Day 1s you return to. Even the littlest progress is a progress.

This post is too sane for me, I don't even know why but yay

Lost stars

You make my heart feel like it's summer when the rain is pouring down

I've always prepared myself for this moment.
This moment when I have to let you go.
I would always say, "I'll always be thankful even if it ends tomorrow"
But I never thought being in that moment will still be this hard.

Remembering how we started talking like that still gives my heart joy and puts a smile on my face.
It was surreal.
I wish I could keep you forever.
I wish things weren't the way it is, then maybe I could've kept you longer.

I'm just grateful that our paths crossed in this lifetime.
You're such an amazing guy. I wish you could see how I see you.
The girl for you will be so lucky to have you and your family in her life.

I will always remember how I would look at you and find you already adoringly staring at me with those pretty hazel eyes... and after realizing that you got caught, we would laugh in a way we both understand why.
I will always remember your face when you said that you're scared that you might hurt me. You're not the first person to say that to me but you were the first person who I actually believed to be sincere saying that.
I will always remember how your face lit up when you got the birthday present I got you and how you would show it off to everyone.

I will always hold it in my heart how someone like you loved someone like me.
My heart aches on how you would remember little things about me.
A part of me still wishes for you in the end.
I can only hold on to fate cause maybe... just maybe, if we were really meant to be, we would find each other again.

You deserve the world, Johnny.
You're a wonderful son. You're a loyal brother. You're a sweet uncle.
You're a gem.
You deserve waaaay better than me.
You would always tell me, "You deserve better than me", but jokes on you.
It's you who deserve better.
I can only wish that the girl for you would appreciate you as much as I do cause you deserve to be appreciated that much.
I hope when she finds you, I hope you welcome her with open arms.

I hope you learn how to open up your heart again.

You might've played around when you were younger (not even that much tbh) but, damn, how you've developed into this man who any mother would want for her daughter.
I will always appreciate that I'm 1 of the 2 women (as of today) who you've opened up to and felt those kind of feelings for.
You've brought out a side of me I never thought I had and for that I am more thankful as ever.
I can't stress enough in words how amazing you are but maybe that's a good thing too. So I'll always have parts of you, memories of you all for myself.

It has been exactly 2 weeks since we last talked.

We both know how it is. We both know it's for the best.

I had this post in my drafts for quite a while now, just waiting for the right time when I'm really ready to let you go. So here it is.
I know 5 years from now, I will still be thinking of you. I will still be thankful of you.
But.. maybe..
Maybe someday, maybe in another lifetime, we would find each other again and it would be perfect.

Maybe we're meant to meet in this lifetime but just not meant to be