Very random

Hi! I just felt like blogging today mainly because I need to vent.

I want to get these emotions off my system because I don't want it anymore.

I don't want these emotions... I feel so weak... defeated... marupok.

Today, I woke up feeling like I didn't wanna go to work so I decided to work from home.

There was a production issue, so I had to fix it. Worked on it all day.

Had the chance to catch up with Matt after a long time – *cue in Happier by Ed Sheeran* lol

Haven't talk to him for so long cause, to be honest, I've been out of it since this year has started.

I wanted to do better and then I got back to morning shift and I had to adjust to a lot of stuff and also the fact that I somehow got jealous with him making Savannah jealous. LOL OKAY I DIDN’T THINK BOUT THAT BEFORE I WROTE IT LOL.

Anyway, so, he's seeing someone now. 

I know, I know. I shouldn't even feel this way anymore cause we're friends and he has always been there for me and it's not like he really liked me and all that but damnnnnn it stings a bit. Okay, a whole bit. A little. I probably sound so stupid right now. It's crazy how it has been on my mind all day. I even went to the gym so I can just make it go away. Endorphins! Endorphins!

You know what's crazier? Randomly finding old photos and conversations we had before. I was so happy and comfortable. But I know... Matt and I will always be just a dream. My favorite what if.

He met me during his younger years and now he has grown. He has grown into a man any woman will be lucky to have. In my opinion, Matt is the kind of guy who will just get the real you, the whats and the whys. He's not the usual type of guy I typically meet. In the couple years I've known him, I was always been the immature one. lol I would always pick fights with him and he never ever ever ever gave up on my stubborn ass. It surprised me how he values our friendship and I'm not just some person who can just disappear and he wouldn’t care.

Anyway, I've been staring at my laptop for 3 minutes now and I don't know what else to say. I needed to talk about this so bad earlier that I messaged Tyler but he said he was with his girlfriend and they're watching movies. Gym didn't really help but it was so nice to run again. I cooked but I think cooking stresses me out cause I feel pressured to make it edible or good to eat. I made egg spread for my breakfast tomorrow. But still... here I am... trying to just get this out of my system.

I keep on repeating to myself that I'll get over this. I'll bury myself with work and I'll be fine in no time.

Just act normal, act okay until you really feel normal and okay.

It has been so long since I wrote a random post like this and I can’t believe it's about Matt.

When Matt first told me about Savannah, I grew to the idea of it and thought that Savannah was a lucky girl and after everything she went through during her past relationship, she deserves the happiness Matt can bring her cause I know how relationships like that can do to you.

And just like that, I don’t know how to end this post anymore.

I know I’ll be able to get it out of my system. Eventually. One of these days. Maybe not tomorrow but eventually.

2 of 12; Year 2019

This post was supposed to go out before Feb ends but I wanted to finish my Feb book before I post it... sadly, life has been busy and I couldn't finish it on time. HUHU
My body clock is now normal. I'm back to morning shift since Feb 6th.
Yes, I now have a normal life. I got pulled into my new project sooner than expected. Can't complain.
It has been almost a month now and it has been good. Mostly getting to know everything bout the application and all that.
I’m actually quite nervous. Expectations are high and I don't wanna fail. I don't ever wanna fail lol

We're 2 months down for this year and I haven't started going to the gym lmao
So much for "starting to workout" but I swear I'm gonna try to go at least three times this week, I'm just adjusting right now with the new work schedule but I'm gonna get around it.

Soooooooo... I was stuck in traffic a couple weeks ago and I impulsively decided to cut my hair short.

Bye curls. Hello short hair.

My stylist at Tony and Jackey asked me a couple more times if I was decided to really cut it lol
No regrets up to this day. After all, it's just hair. It will grow back.
And by that, I got it colored on Valentine's day just cause I was stuck in traffic and I thought my dark brown hair was boring. I was aiming for an Auburn, red-ish brown-ish kind of color and I really wanted to get it colored but the traffic was crap going to Tony and Jackey. So I tried this Vivere Salon in Glorietta and I swear I ain't gonna go back. lol

The color looks good in this pic cause it's not showing my roots but I swear, my roots are still damn black and my sideburns as well. I asked them why when they washed it off and I got a "kasi black po yung roots nyo" answer and I just shut my mouth cause I didn't wanna argue. It was my fault anyway to go to that salon. I didn't look at reviews but I would expect paying that amount of money, they would color every inch of my hair LOL Tony and Jackey would. But again, it's okay. At least now I know not to go back to that salon. So, note to self: If you're going to be hair impulsive, at least go to Tony and Jackey to get it done. Ah well. Imma just hafto go next month to Tony and Jackey to fix it.

Okay. End of hair dilemma.
While I was getting my hair cut, I can't help but think of Andy.
He always loved my long hair. He didn't want me to cut it or even have it trimmed when we were together. lol Ang sad.
I guess this is really the start of getting out of it. I have gotten used to not talking to him every day that when he messages me, it feels foreign and that I don't see myself waiting for his messages or calls anymore.
I won't lie, I still miss him. I think that's normal.

What's not normal is to miss Alexon. It has been years but maybe his recent marriage just made me nostalgic but, hey, I'm okay. Who would want to end up with someone who has cheated on you and lied to you right? I don't. I ain't Khloe Kardashian. Jk lol

Soooo, like I said, I tried so hard to finish my Feb book but life has been busy.
I'm halfway through it though! So I'll be able to finish soon! Then on to the next book!!!

I will hold off concluding my rating for this book because it has a bit of plot twists.

Second month of this year and it has been refreshing.
Thanks to the guy up there ❤

1 of 12; Year 2019

Fujifilm X-A10; 01/18/2019

6 days left for the first month of this year and I'm gonna wrap it up with this post.
Unlike last year, January has been so nice to me this year.
So far, so good.

I've been keeping up with my skin care routine – basically just facial wash, toner, sometimes I do sheet masks, eyelift cream then moisturizer. I also bought a sunscreen and been trying to religiously apply it after shower.

I have finally finished my January book which is 'The Crown's Game'. I can say that it is a good read and I wanna read the next book... I am yet to find where to buy it lol I will give it a rating of 3/5 just because Vika was sooooo... UGHHHH. Like really? A boy can make you lose focus on the game that will determine your fate??? My competitive self is triggered lol

I splurged this month and I swear I'm trying to control it. Besides I can't think of anything else to buy lol. I feel a bit guilty and not guilty at the same time but it's ok to spoil yourself. No one should feel guilty bout that. Okay, I sound like a shopaholic who's just making excuses hahahaha.

I don't normally post stuff that I recently bought or have on social media – only when I'm too happy with it or someone gave it to me – but since this is a blog.. what else is there to say? lol Imma do a January Haul. So whats new...

– Fujifilm Instax 25!!! As I previously mentioned, my Fujifilm Instax Wide 300 died. RIP. It was either I trade it in for a new one or downgrade... obviously, I downgraded. I love it though! Instax 25 is very handy compared to my Wide 300 plus mini films have more cute films than wide films.

Ofcourse. The test shot is my face.

– Fujifilm X-A10. I decided to finally buy a mirrorless camera since I'm planning to travel more this year. I was torn between X-A10 and X-A3 but there aren't really much of a difference between the two. Settled for the X-A10 and I'm still trynna play with it, but so far, it has been nice. It came with a tripod too. So that will definitely help during travels.

Yes, it is pink.

Sample camera shot #1: morning view from my apartment

Sample camera shot #2: One of my impulsive purchases for this month from Miniso. So fluffy!! 

Sample camera shot #3: Phone. lol

Sample camera shot #4: Pizza

– Pandora charm bracelet. I've been eyeing this since forever and I never had the guts to buy it cause I think it's too pricey and I want the charms to be sentimental. Like one country, one charm or one life event, one charm kind of thing. This month, I slept on it and when I woke up, I was still decided to buy it... so I did. I can't wait to fill it up!!

Got a beaded heart charm too.

– Mi Band 3. Yes, it's a fitness tracker. I am planning on going to the gym all throughout this year. My membership starts this Feb 01 and I figured, since I'm gonna be doing this, might as well be fully committed to it. Plus I just love how it tracks my sleep and steps lol even if it's not super accurate but it's something lol. Apple Watch is too expensive for me but we don't know, maybe if I really like this fitness tracking thing, I might switch lol

01/22 steps

– I gotta say the biggest splurge is my trips to Watsons. I swear i bought too many stuff I don't necessarily need. Everytime I go to the mall, I always make sure to drop buy Watsons and I never leave empty handed. If it's not Watsons, it's Miniso, Mumuso, Daiso or whatever tyangge lol

At the end of the day, material things are just material things. Anybody who will say money can't buy you happiness doesn't know where to shop... lol JK My Gossip Girl heart is just quoting the Queen B. But, seriously, material things are just material things. They are nice to have and all that but, at the end of the day, what's more important is your inner peace, your mental health, your loved ones... stuff money can't really buy.

Like I said, this month has been better. Much much better than last year.
Looking back last January 2018, I was trying to get over some stuff, bury the pain in my heart, move on from certain shit to survive another day but, hey, a year later and here I am... a work in progress.

Strictly No Dating 2019

Yes, you've read it right.

This year is purely about regaining the self-love and motivation I lost.

I honestly feel so motivated even before this year has even started. I am fueled up to do everything that pops into my head. I wish I can put all those thoughts to reality this year.

So, strictly no dating. Why?

I don't know either. lol

I just feel like I need to focus on myself to be able to do everything I wanna do.

I am aware of how I am when I get into a relationship or casual dating... I tend to get way toooooo committed, tooooo distracted, tooooo girlfriend-ish.

Well, that's me. I'm one of those people and I know it's not good but it's not necessarily bad either.

I mean, c'mon, being loyal, faithful or basically not interested into other people besides your partner is not something special. It is what is should be.

It's sad how being loving or faithful or even being honest is a standard now.

So, this year, no dating, no "talking", no dating apps (yes, I did dating apps. don't judge lol), no flings.

If it comes, it comes, If it doesn't it doesn't. No rush.

It's funny when I say "I seriously don't think I am ever gonna get married. I don't even want kids. I just wanna travel the world" to people. Their reactions are mostly the same.

They will say, "don't say that. you're too young to make that ultimatum" or

"you're just saying that cause you're hurt/you just broke up/you don't have a boyfriend right now" or

"who's gonna take care of you when you're old??".

It's funny because they don't make sense.

I really think I'm just gonna end up single and traveling the world 'til I can't anymore and just settle down to my own home or prolly in a nursing home AND that is not sad.

I don't say that for people to pity me or feel sad for me. I don't think that way because I don't have someone in my life right now. I definitely don't think kids are like an insurance for you to have someone look after you when you're old.

Did I still have these thoughts when I was in a relationship? Yes.

Like, yeah, we've talked about marriage and kids because that's normal.

Planning a family with someone you love is normal and expected. You don't date just to flirt or have a constant person to have sex with or get free gifts or convenience.

When we date, we obviously want it for the long run, not just for now.

But those thoughts were still at the back of my head. They were forgotten but they're still there.

I'm probably not the optimist I am claiming to be. lol

I don't know why. I can't explain why it never left my mind. Maybe because of the household that I grew up in, my parent's marriage or maybe because of my experiences. I don't know but it is what it is.

When Andy and I broke up, first few days or weeks or even months made me so vulnerable.

I didn't know what to do anymore cause I've altered my plans, my outlook, my expectations in life.

Like my new plans were basically dependent with his plans. Like we both adjusted and compromised our plans to fit in our future... which is normal in a relationship.

That's probably why we still tried to make it work but distance & other circumstances are shit.

The thought of "growing old with me, myself and my dreams" was buried with all the "us". We both wanted the best in life.

Don't get me wrong, we were still our own person. We can still manage to do stuff by ourselves.

We weren't codependent. It's more like the plans, the future, the expectations.

It was the worst feeling. Maybe that's why I felt so lost and unmotivated... I didn't know what to do anymore because my plans were buried by our plans.

I don't ever wanna feel that lost again. It was draining everything left of me.

But, then again, maybe I just haven't find the right one for me.

The one that I don't have to lose myself for.

The one that will make me feel that 'yeah, it's ok to grow old by myself knowing I've done everything I wanna do' is good but growing old with him is better.

The one that will just naturally complement with my plans.

Truth be told, I really haven't lost my faith in love. It's still here.

I trust God. Whatever His plan for my life & heart, I fully trust Him with it.

I can have that faith and also be how I am.

Like I said – If it comes, it comes. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

One thing is for sure though... I will never lose myself again for someone.

No one should ever feel that way.

This year has definitely a lot in store for me.

I got little goals set like:

🗸 I am gonna read & finish at least 1 book per month – that's why you're seeing a GoodReads widget I recently added on the right side of my blog page.

🗸 I also plan to travel this year. I am aiming for at least 2 countries. Wanna go back to Taiwan!!

🗸 I also previously wanted to take at least 2 pictures per month on my instax, like I even bought 40 films but my Instax Wide 300's battery leaked. I accidentally left the batteries in for a long time. Planning to buy a new one though just to push thru this goal lol

🗸 And, of course, I always have the goal to save money and work out every year.

🗸 Also, I wanna update this blog at least once a month & I'll probably make some front end changes to it. – I just added this one on my little goals for this year lol

Hopefully, by the end of 2019, I can tick all of those boxes out.

His will be done. Always.

Happy New Year from my family to yours ♡