Cecilia

Oh, grief.
Fucking grief.

I don't know how and where to start.
I always say that it's easier for me to write when I'm sad.... but this is waaaay different.
I can't even think of a way to start explaining or describing what I'm feeling.

It was Friday morning, I went home a half hour past 5.
My aunt was messaging me to wait for her and her husband because they're gonna drop by the apartment. They did. We talked for a while and then they left.
I was already planning on ditching work that day to prepare for a birthday party on Saturday.

My phone rang. It was my sister.
I thought she was calling to remind me to buy her a prepaid card.
I answered my phone and she was already crying.
She asked where I was, I said I was home.
And then she said, "Wala na si nanay".
I couldn't believe it. Just like that.
I started crying. I couldn't think straight. All I wanted to do was go home.
My sister started explaining how and when it happened.

It happened between past midnight to 6 in the morning.
We're assuming she was having a heart attack then she stood up and tried to go to the bathroom but fell and passed away.
There was vomit on her bed.. they said that's how it goes when it's your time.

I cried. I cried so hard cause she didn't wait for me.
I cried mostly because I can't imagine life without her.
She was always there helping us and taking care of us.
She was so selfless.
She wasn't my grandma by blood but she loved us as if we were his own kids.
I remember when I was still in high school, she was still living at my grandma's house, whenever my sister and I go there, she will cook my favorite food - tortang talong. She will even give us tricycle fare just cause she didn't want us to walk even if it wasn't that far. I know a tricycle fare is not that much but she didn't even have much but she still gave.
I wanted my own kids to personally know her cause I know she will love them as much as she loved us.

In a way, I keep thinking that maybe Nanay didn't wait for me cause she knows that I can never handle finding her that way.
I keep thinking that at least she's no longer suffering now. Suffering from this world.
She didn't even die in a hard way and that is an answered prayer.
With everything she went through in her lifetime, she doesn't deserve to be in pain.

Nanay Celing will be forever in our hearts. We will forever miss her.
I know she's looking at us from heaven right now, guiding us.
I know she died in our house and other people may ask if we're scared or what and, honestly, I don't see any reason to be scared. Nanay won't scare us. She knows us too well.
She's our guardian angel.
We love you, Nanay.