To the brighter side

 Every time I try to leave, my heart won't let me

Crazy how it's November already.
We all literally spent the whole year inside of our houses. This pandemic is crap.
I've been okay. Just hanging in there.
I thought I would be making a post about us not communicating for a month but he reached out the other day, just checking up on me.
That’s the thing that makes it difficult. I can’t be mad or whatever at him cause I know he's a good guy.
I know everything that happened wasn't nothing to him. It just sucks how things are.

And I realized that maybe that was the closure I needed. All I felt when we were talking was how it was nice he was checking up on me.
That’s how I know for sure how I’m just stuck on the memories and the idea of him.
I get sad sometimes thinking of what we used to be or how I got used to talking to him literally all day, everyday about everything.
But, as I've said over and over before, nakakasanayan din.

It took me reading my old posts to somehow realize how my emotions can consume me most of the time.
Consume me in a way I would think there's no getting over that current situation anymore, when the truth is, I underestimate myself too much cause I know I am strong enough to get over it.
But I would say it's quite normal. Maybe emotions are powerful like that and that you just have to learn to snap out of it and think bout the positive side.

It's not your fault. Never be too hard on yourself. You deserve better. It ain't worth it anyway.
Those are the things I always tell myself. That and mind over matter. Just focus on the bright side.
It works most of the time but, sometimes, those emotions really got a way of being a bitch but it's okay not to be okay sometimes.

There will always be tomorrow. Doesn't matter how many Day 1s you return to. Even the littlest progress is a progress.

This post is too sane for me, I don't even know why but yay

Lost stars

You make my heart feel like it's summer when the rain is pouring down

I've always prepared myself for this moment.
This moment when I have to let you go.
I would always say, "I'll always be thankful even if it ends tomorrow"
But I never thought being in that moment will still be this hard.

Remembering how we started talking like that still gives my heart joy and puts a smile on my face.
It was surreal.
I wish I could keep you forever.
I wish things weren't the way it is, then maybe I could've kept you longer.

I'm just grateful that our paths crossed in this lifetime.
You're such an amazing guy. I wish you could see how I see you.
The girl for you will be so lucky to have you and your family in her life.

I will always remember how I would look at you and find you already adoringly staring at me with those pretty hazel eyes... and after realizing that you got caught, we would laugh in a way we both understand why.
I will always remember your face when you said that you're scared that you might hurt me. You're not the first person to say that to me but you were the first person who I actually believed to be sincere saying that.
I will always remember how your face lit up when you got the birthday present I got you and how you would show it off to everyone.

I will always hold it in my heart how someone like you loved someone like me.
My heart aches on how you would remember little things about me.
A part of me still wishes for you in the end.
I can only hold on to fate cause maybe... just maybe, if we were really meant to be, we would find each other again.

You deserve the world, Johnny.
You're a wonderful son. You're a loyal brother. You're a sweet uncle.
You're a gem.
You deserve waaaay better than me.
You would always tell me, "You deserve better than me", but jokes on you.
It's you who deserve better.
I can only wish that the girl for you would appreciate you as much as I do cause you deserve to be appreciated that much.
I hope when she finds you, I hope you welcome her with open arms.

I hope you learn how to open up your heart again.

You might've played around when you were younger (not even that much tbh) but, damn, how you've developed into this man who any mother would want for her daughter.
I will always appreciate that I'm 1 of the 2 women (as of today) who you've opened up to and felt those kind of feelings for.
You've brought out a side of me I never thought I had and for that I am more thankful as ever.
I can't stress enough in words how amazing you are but maybe that's a good thing too. So I'll always have parts of you, memories of you all for myself.

It has been exactly 2 weeks since we last talked.

We both know how it is. We both know it's for the best.

I had this post in my drafts for quite a while now, just waiting for the right time when I'm really ready to let you go. So here it is.
I know 5 years from now, I will still be thinking of you. I will still be thankful of you.
But.. maybe..
Maybe someday, maybe in another lifetime, we would find each other again and it would be perfect.

Maybe we're meant to meet in this lifetime but just not meant to be

turning around & pretending i dont love you

Here I go again.
Here I go entering my "heartless, idgaf" phase.
I always get like that whenever I try to let go of someone I still have feelings for.

I pretend I don't like that person.
I pretend I don't care about that person.
I pretend that my feelings don't exist.
I pretend until it becomes real.

How can someone say "you deserve someone better" but their face tells you "wait for me"?
It hurts when you say how you're "never good enough" or you're "not worth it" cause you are.
Someday, you will see how I see you. You'll see how amazing you are.
It doesn't matter if I'm there when that happens, I just want you to see you how I see you.

I always say, "I wish I can have you forever".
I still do.
I still wish that, someday, we can be.
Maybe in this lifetime, maybe in another lifetime.

I hope you smile whenever you remember me.
Cause I do. I smile whenever I think about you.
How can I hate you?
How can I make myself hate you?
How? Just how?

In 5 years, I would still be thankful for you.
In 5 years, this will all be memories but I'll always remember it with a smile, cause in this lifetime you loved me and i loved you.
We almost had it all.

Is that it?

4AM and I'm falling apart.
One of those days where you feel your heart breaking.
I got this habit of making a blog post about someone just when I'm ready to close my chapter with them.
I still got his' on my drafts. The post is done but I just can't publish it yet.
Make it final. Make it real.

We were something, don't you think so?
But this is the end.
My heart aches so bad. So bad.
I thought I couldn't cry anymore but I guess I was in denial.

How can I still feel thankful while my heart is aching this bad?
How can I still think you're an amazing guy while cry my heart out because of you?
It's funny cause I do. I still do.

And if my wishes came true, it would've been you