Tuesday, July 08, 2014

That is not love, A.

"What drew them together was the excitement of getting caught. That's not love"

That quote was from the last book I read, The break up artist. It was a good book. An eye opener.
This reminded me of what we had.
It is pretty stupid to post this next to my heartfelt post dedicated for you.
Before reading this book, the idea of us reminds me of how fate fucked us up.
But after reading this, it made me realize that we were never meant for each other. That fate was doing us a favor.
You and I were just lonely, needy and selfish.
She wasn't there for you, Mine was so far away.
And instead of fixing what I have, you were there to convince me that you can fulfill the things he lack of.
The quote from this book perfectly describes what we had.
We were just excited of getting caught. And when we got caught, the fire died.

I am pretty proud of myself. Wanna know why?
Because if it wasn't for you, I won't experience being alone.
Alone because I broke it off with mine and you left with her.
Being without someone to take care of me.
Being independent, emotionally and physically.
All of these taught me a lesson and I, indeed, learned a lot from it.
I can now watch a movie alone without feeling lonely.
I can now go to places alone unlike before that I need someone to go with me because the idea of being alone in a mall or wherever makes me feel like a lost child.
I am happier now because I don't need someone to make me happy. And that is thanks to you.
I wish you learned all of these to. But I know you didn't. Because she gave you another chance just like that. Without giving you a chance to evaluate yourself. And that is sad.

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

Another used to be

I don't know when, where and how it all started.. I just know it was something real, unexpected and deep.
We used to be friends. He used to be there whenever I need someone. Someone to talk about random shits in life. Someone to guide me wherever I wanna go. Someone to listen. Someone to give me advices without sugarcoating it.
He used to be my wonderwall.. Used to be.
 
I never been the kind of person who likes to take risks. I'm not fond of stepping out of my comfort zone. I want something safe, something sure, something that won't leave me broken, regretful and/or with nothing.
Play safe? I guess you can call it that. But I did take the risk. The risk is him.
I took the risk of letting him pull me to cross the friendship line and try to see what is beyond that. And yes, I regret it.
I regret letting him. I regret giving in. I regret believing him that everything will be better in the end.
 
We came to the point where we can't let each day pass without talking to each other. Talking about random stuff.
At that point, I thought we are just friends who long for a friend's company. Because we just graduated and got our first job. Adjusting. And all.
 
Everything seemed so innocent. Friends lang. No attachments. No other shits that can mess everything up.
But then, We started seeing each other once or twice a week. Sleep overs. Dinner after work. Fetching me from work. Asking our friends to go out on weekends very often para magkasama sama kami. Nonstop texts/calls/videocalls to update each other or just talk or minsan wala lang talaga eh.
It didn't surprise our friends when they noticed we were getting pretty close again because this happened before, back when we were still in college.
 
Speaking for myself, I did fell for him again. But this time, I fell harder. As in yung tipong nandon ka na sa pagiging desperada pero ayaw mo ipahalata sakanya kasi medyo stupid.
This wasn't like what we had when we were in college, 3rd year to be exact. Kasi back then, seeing each other was so easy because we have school. Pero ngayon kasi, the effort was undeniable. With our work, it was so hard kasi we have different work scheds.
I'm only speaking for myself, by the way. But you know that gut feeling that he felt the same. Yeah, yun yun eh. Kasi how can you fall for someone if hindi naman mutual diba? And if that someone is not doing things to make you feel special diba?
 
He made me feel special by doing the simple and little things.
Like fetching me after work, kasi he will travel from Eastwood all the way here in Mckinley para lang di ako umuwi mag isa kasi late na.
Like asking me if I ate already and getting mad if hindi pa ko kumakain.
Reminding me to take my meds when I was sick.
Asking me very simple things like kung pwede na nya ilagay sa ref yung baon nyang dinner.
That "office na ko" message everytime na nasa office na sya.
Good morning and good night texts.
Checking if I got home safe, lalo na pag nagtaxi ako mag isa.
Calling whenever hindi ako nakakapagreply agad.
Holding my hand ng patago when we're out with friends.
Random hugs whenever he gets the chance.
Stolen kisses.
And that one time, he was holding my hand then he saw the "E <3 G" written in my hand by my office mate who I had a crush on. He suddenly let go of my hand and medyo lumayo sya just for me to know na naiinis/nagseselos sya.
Cuddling before we sleep.
I can go all day recalling everything he did, we did. It was all like a movie.
As if it was all perfect and that we were living in a perfect world. And in that perfect world, we were meant to be.
 
But this is not a perfect world.. And we were not meant for each other. Well, atleast for now I can say that.
And in this world, when you cross the friendship line, you can never go back. Or maybe you can, but it will take a lot of time.
Especially when there are other people involved.
He was in a relationship, and I was too.
The difference was I decided to call it quits with mine and broke it off.
And he didn't. He didn't end his but he didn't want me to entertain other guys. He gets mad whenever I tell him someone is being extra close with me.
But I didn't say anything. I followed his rules. I tolerated everything.
And that was my mistake.
 
I might say I regret everything, but half of me disagrees.
Because half of me is telling me it all made me happy.
He fulfilled my boyfriend's short comings. Panget pakinggan pero totoo.
That's why I found it easy that time to take the risk in calling it quits with who I am with for him.
I know, I somehow made him happy because he was vocal about it. He said things I never knew na pwede nyang maramdaman for me. Things that made me feel so special. Remembering it all still makes me smile and giggle. It was one happy and sweet love affair.
I may regret making those impulsive decisions. I regret being selfish and needy.
But I guess if it wasn't for those mistakes I will still be that needy and selfish girl I was back then.
 
As of today, I can say that I somehow grew from that phase in my life.
Inaamin ko naman na I turned into a crazy bitch when he left. As in bitch.
I was hurt by everything. Anger and pain clouded my mind and heart. I didn't care at all. I felt betrayed.
And what hurt the most was he acted as if it was all my fault.
But now, I can say that I'm not that selfish, needy little girl who needs a guy to make her happy and feel complete.
I accepted my mistakes and apologized for it. But we all know that time heals all wounds. And hindi naman mababalik agad agad lahat.
We may not be like before, but I am still hoping one day we can all put this behind us, remembering everything na napagdaanan namin since first year college and stay friends.
Hindi man madali ngayon but I know we'll get there. Everything will be okay. I still have faith in this friendship. Bahala na si Lord. :)
 
x

Monday, June 16, 2014

Turn down for what

Sooooo... It's Monday and I'm here to talk about Saturday night. First off, I would like to warn you guys that I may cuss a lot in this post because it was such a happy night!!!! :) That is because:

1. Finally after months, Patrick didn't ditch us. Went to Yakimix Greenbelt. Happy birthday, Patrick! A bit sad because apat lang kami. I miss the six of us. I miss the feeling of squishing because di kami kasya sa upuan. I miss everything. I even reserved 6 people kasi I was just hopeful. Anyway

2. After that, we went to Black Market but it's not yet open, so, plan B, went to the nearest mall, which is WalterMart, went to Timezone and played games. This is one of my favorite moment last saturday because it was soooooo fun

3. Went back to Black Market, still close, so we chilled at Black Market, chit chat, laughed around, then Jeff joined us. But Patrick has to go home. So he went home.

4. Yay Black market opened! We were the early birds. But it was okay. P600 for unlimited drinks was def worth it. Then we took pictures then Isabel has to go home too. So then there was three, Darwin, Jeff and I. Got wasted, danced with strangers and all. It was fun! And yes, I got fucking drunk

5. Moved to Imperial Ice Bar. I felt like I was Elsa. Hahaha! It was sooooo cold. I love it! And I was so drunk. Idk. Haha!

6. Now this is my second fave for the night. Around 3am, we were outside Imperial. Then suddenly my friends said that he saw James Reid. Next thing I know, Krissy V was right infront of me. I was so wasted but I know I said hi to her with my most fangirl voice hahahaha then my friend later told me that I said "Hi Krissy, you're so prettyyyy" then she smiled and waved and said hi too and she is so pretty!!! Then I saw Ericka V on her way to Prive. Then James R. They were all on their way to Prive. I got soooooo starstrucked. And I was overly fangirling in my heaaaad!!

Then, after that, we went for a road trip and went home. Still drunk. Haha!

It was such a fun night. A nice break from all the stress at work. Weehee yay